Archives for March 2011

Sweetness and Sentiment

One day soon, they will appear. Their presence will be fleeting, their contribution sweeter for its shortness. They will sit among the usual, the mundane, and to many they will appear to be nothing special. But they are.

I first noticed them two seasons ago. Until then everything about that day was ordinary: walking the aisles, skirting table edges to prevent a cascade of bouncing and bruising, scanning for items on a list. While I appreciated all that lay before me – the bright colours, the crisp leaves, the smooth skins – it was all very normal.

And then I saw them.

Image credit: dreamstime

Small, green, perfect. I can hear the audible crack as they open and the stripping sound as I run my thumb down the centre, freeing each perky pea from its pointy shell. I can taste the ideal combination of sweetness and crunch as I bite into them. Each one is capped with a jaunty hat that reflects their place in my memory – a place of happiness and of sunlight.

I’m sentimental about these peas, even though they’ve left me with a scar.

I was two, or slightly older. About the age Connor is now. It was pea-shelling time at my Grandma’s farm – something not to be missed. In my memory I was running to get there, anxious to help and hoping for a taste. I burst through the open front door out into the sunlight, all my senses trained on the sweetness of those peas.

And not, unfortunately, on the rocky steps in front of me.

I went down, hard, a small girl in a frilly dress, and my forehead met jagged concrete. Instead of sweetness that day I got stitches and a scar.

Having been so young, my memories of this day are probably more through the telling of it than the truth (though my mother remembers it quite differently). Either way, I carry a vision in my mind of what that day was like. I remember my family, not my fall. I remember the sunshine, not the stitches. It’s a happy memory, bringing with it all the sweetness of sentimentality.

I look for them every year, those English peas. When I see them I stop and smile. I pause to touch my forehead and then buy a bag to share with my son.

Experimenting with a memory. Concrit welcome on this one.

I Suck at Saturdays

Here we are again, Saturday stretching in front of us. Husband is working, I’m sick, kid is…bouncy. I know I need to be better about Saturdays – make plans so we have something to do. But again I haven’t done that and again I’m not motivated to try. I’m tired, it’s raining and the last thing I feel like doing is going out in public. Especially with a two-year-old.

He decides he doesn’t want to nap. I try for an hour, maybe longer, to no avail. He’s gone from asking to go to bed to flipping around, falling off the bed, hiding under the covers. This is not a good sign.

Eventually he says, “I’m done.” So am I. I give up.

Downstairs again, we eat lunch. Or at least I eat lunch. He has two bites of soup and decides he’s had enough. I can’t muster the energy to care.

We try the nap again. No go.

The good news is I haven’t lost my patience with all of this, as has happened on so many weekends before. The bad news is I have someone breathing down my neck about it.

He’s obviously tired and now he’s going to be hungry. Why don’t you try harder?

“Because I’ve already tried – twice now – to get him to nap. He’s not going to. And if he’s not going to eat now he’ll eat later.”

He’s going to get bored, though. Why don’t you go out?

“Where would we go? It’s raining, and I don’t feel like it. I’m dying for some time to myself.”

You had that on Thursday, remember? You took the day off and sat on the couch in your pajamas all day.

“It wasn’t enough.”

You have a two-year-old. This is how it is now. Everyone else can do it. Why can’t you?

“I don’t know. But it’s been over two years of this same shit every weekend. Why can’t I do this? I’m sick of this. So sick of not being able to be a mom like everyone else.”

The phone rings.

It’s your mom.

I’m tempted to not answer it. I suspect she’s seen my tweet and is calling to see if I need backup. I don’t need it the way I’ve needed it on other days, though I’d happily have someone else come and distract him for a bit. But if I answer the phone and say yes it’s an admission that I can’t do this.

Screw it. I answer the phone.

She comes over. My dad, on his way home from downtown, comes over. While they play I do laundry and tidy up a bit. The productivity helps my mental state.

After a while, they bundle the kid up and take him and the dog to the park. Alone in the house, the dialogue starts up again.

Your mom did this with four kids, you know.”

“Believe me, I know. I’m sure she wonders what the hell is wrong with me. It’s not like it was before – where they have to come so I don’t throw him out the window – but I’m still not where I want to be. I just don’t know how to make other people understand it. I don’t understand it.”

“So just suck it up. He’s your kid, you’re his mom, and it’s your job to take care of him. Entertain him, stimulate him, play with him.”

“Sometimes I don’t want to.”

“Oh for God’s sake. Your husband does this every day! He manages to find things to do so they have fun. He doesn’t just sit there and wish he had the house to himself. What’s wrong with you?!”

I’ve had enough. I call a halt to the stream of self-criticism.

“Hey! Think back to what weekends used to be like! I’m doing better than I used to. I didn’t have any ‘I can’t do this!’ moments today. Yeah, sure, ‘I don’t want to’ isn’t a whole lot better but at least I’m not having a meltdown. And besides, I’m sick. And I’m tired. I’ve got a really wiggly kid sleeping on me every other night and work has been busy and we’re waiting for God-knows-what to happen on Monday AND I’ve got stupid family stress. So just give me a break!”

For once, the other voice is silent. Thinking. Reflecting.

I still suck at Saturdays, but I suck less than I used to.

Fledgling Friday Link-Up: March 11 edition

TGIF! Another opportunity for new bloggers to link up a post and grow your community. Join me!

The Mom Pledge Matters

In 1999, I joined an online community. I was 24 then, and my (now) husband and I had been together for a year. Like so many who are young and in love we had started talking about getting married so I was looking for information. It was a relatively short-lived fantasy and our for-real wedding planning didn’t happen for another few years, but I got hooked on this online community and hung around.

It was my first foray into an online social environment. The community was large and all the things that are true to online communities to this day were present there: sharing of stories, tips and frustrations. Joy expressed at good news and good deals, sympathy for monster mothers-in-law and relationship roadblocks.

Oh, and ruthless backstabbing.

What is it about sitting behind a computer screen that makes it okay to take other people down?

In this particular case, there were the usual cliques, including the cool kids and the tacky girls. The tacky girls posted about cash bars, cheap alcohol offerings and money dances – all the things that are totally de rigeur in some regions but unabashedly tacky in others – and the cool girls mocked them for it. Relentlessly.

One brash bride would share her disdain, and others would chime in. A few brave souls would stand up for the original poster who, in posting about white Zinfandel, was only exploring her options.

You know how it goes. We’ve all been there. But if you think brides are bad, mothers are worse.

A wedding is a one-time event. When it’s over, it’s over, and others’ opinions cease to matter. Parenting practices are, apparently, everyone’s business. Especially when you blog about it.

My blog is a mere two months old. I’m barely past being a newborn as a blogger, but I’ve been a reader for many years. I’ve seen moms express moments of joy only to be shot down by the insignificance of their children’s so-called accomplishments. I’ve seen moms – sleep-deprived, scared new moms – reveal their struggles and ask for help only to be told they’re ruining their child’s life through crying it out/nursing to sleep/sending to daycare/whatever.

It’s all crap. And I don’t play that game.

I’ve had my own troubles and lord knows I’ve made some wrong choices in my 2 1/2 years as a mom. Some of those things I did because I was at my wit’s end and just needed to survive another hour. Some because I didn’t know any better.

The thing is, as much as I like to think I’ve got it figured out and the next time will be better and easier, I don’t. And it probably won’t. Not entirely anyway. Being a mom is hard and every kid is different. We’re all figuring it out as we go along and doing the best we can.

What I have figured out is that community matters. The bullying on that original wedding planning board eventually broke it. The creator, who was just trying to run a business helping brides-to-be, gave up. She re-launched later, in a different format, but in the interim the two communities split up.

Those of us who had had enough of the bullying let the cool kids leave to play in their own playground and we created a community of our own. 12 years later, we’re still there. I’ve met only two of these women in person, and only briefly, and yet I consider them fast friends. I have called on them when I need help and they’ve been there. When someone else was calling out, I’ve sent love and hugs and gifts and money. We came together because we shared values – a desire for healthy dialogue, respect and the acknowledgment that each of us is finding her own way through the world and gets by with a little help from her friends.

That’s why I’ve taken The Mom Pledge. We call out for an end to bullying in our children’s school, sports fields and online spaces, but bullying each other isn’t okay either, and it needs to stop.

Because it matters.
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Behind the Mask

At some point, many months ago, I put on a mask. I’m not sure exactly when I put it on. I don’t even know where I got it, and for a really long time I didn’t realize I was wearing it.

This mask covered up everything I had become and tried to turn me back into what I’d been before, even though I wasn’t that person anymore.

This mask, through some cosmic power I didn’t know I had, is invisible. It manifests in a hundred different ways, all of which hide what’s actually beneath it.

The mask is a smile when the person behind it wants to shut her door and cry.

It’s my outward I-can-do-that-attitude when the reality is that there have been days when the logistics of getting from my house to my office seemed like an insurmountable obstacle.

It’s a calm demeanor that hides the tightness in my chest that’s been there so long sometimes I don’t even notice I’m not breathing properly.

It’s the cheerful mama voice – that one that can multitask with the best of them – trying to redirect a frustrated toddler while at the same time calculating how long it is until bedtime and wondering how she got to this place.

I’m a wife and a mother, a daughter and a sister. I’m an employee and a supervisor, a colleague and a friend. The mask pretends this space is hidden, that these words are just for me. It makes me wonder, every day, what those people I know, those people I see every day, will think when they read these words. If they read these words. Because here I am not hiding. Here I can set my mask aside.

Outside this space I haven’t quite managed to take it off. Recently I experimented with taking it off – putting myself out there in a place more people I know might find me – but for the most part I still wear it. It reappeared in full force this week, covering up a wave of reality I didn’t see coming.

For a long time, this mask has defined me. I have to have faith one day that won’t be the case anymore.

 

This post is linked up with The Red Dress Club’s memoir prompts.