Yesterday, I blogged for Mental Health Day. And then in a fit of bravery, I posted the link to that post – and therefore to my blog – on my personal Facebook page, admitting what’s going on to another group of people.
And you know what? Today the world is still turning. Nobody called me crazy (at least not to my face.)
I was so scared to do that for so long, but it’s okay.
Throughout the day, there were reminders everywhere of how important mental health is. I mean, I’m aware of this all day every day, but yesterday was different.
I had an appointment with my therapist that was kind of hard. There’s something quite separate from my PPD that I’m struggling with right now, and she encouraged me to work on that. I don’t want to. I don’t even know how. I’m afraid that if I open that door it will be like opening a closet that’s been stuffed full of junk for years and years. Right now it’s only open enough for me to see what’s in there, but if I open it all the way the piled up junk is going to rain down on my head. I don’t feel ready to open it, but I might tomorrow. Maybe.
Then we were at friends’ last night for a barbecue, and Connor’s visit ended with a rather spectacular demonstration of Really Terrible Behaviour, so he was whisked home by dad. The good news is that while this incident caused a boatload of adrenaline to pump through me, I didn’t actually lose it. At other times I might have wanted to throw him across the yard, but that particular demon didn’t appear that time. Small steps.
Yesterday I also talked to some friends about depression – one who lives with it too and one who is struggling but finding it hard to let us help her. I want so badly to help, but I don’t want to push her either. (I’m still thinking about you, Ms. L. Take some time, but don’t hide for too long.)
The nightcap was a chat with my husband about this afternoon’s visit to the psychiatrist. I’m expecting her to tell me she wants me to stay on this medication for another two weeks. If she does, I’m also expecting her to tell me what that will help at this point. I don’t think it’s working and if I have to have one more anxiety attack or one more I-don’t-think-I-can-do-this-another-day sort of day, I’m going to take this precious medication and throw it out the window.
So yesterday I thought and wrote and talked a lot about mental health. Now I’m heading out to my appointment hoping someone will offer something that will give me a break for mine, because tomorrow is another day and I want it to be better.
