3 years = how long I’ve been dealing with postpartum depression and its aftermath.
4 weeks = the amount of time I asked to take off work when I couldn’t deal with this properly anymore.
1 whoa = a whole bunch of things, actually. I thought if I took a few weeks off work I’d have time to find my balance again. Instead I fell over. Mostly figuratively, but also literally one time. And I kept falling. So I’ve actually been off work for two months now. At times I’ve felt like I should be there, but there are a lot of things about my job that aren’t easy and I’ve had to accept that I just can’t do that job right now.
Today I saw my doctor again – not the mean old psychiatrist, but someone in my GP’s office who has been helping me through this – because I needed another doctor’s certificate signed. She knows how things have been going. Last time I saw her she said she thought it would be more like 3-6 months that I’d be off work. When I gave her my latest she seemed cautiously optimistic, but not prepared to tell me to put my suit back on yet.
A few days of better = good, but I know it’s not time to start counting chickens yet. I’ve learned that the hard way, many times over.
But that’s how I’m feeling too – cautiously optimistic. Maybe this medication I’m on that I’ve hated and that I blame for the worst 6 weeks of my life is actually starting to work. Or maybe it’s because mentally I said, “Screw you!” to everything outside of me and am finally able to start doing what I need to do for myself.
There’s no way to know which it is, so for now I’ve decided not to change meds. I can always do that later if I need to, but I’m not going to risk the fallout of a transition right now. I need to be okay for a while, and all I can do is get up and do a workout and get dressed and eat well and keep writing and cross my fingers that I will be okay.
So I got that doctor’s certificate to give me time to do that. It now says 4-6 months, though who knows how long it will really be. It might be shorter. It might be longer, though I doubt it (and really hope not for that would mean the return of Bad Things).
How do I feel about this? Not sure. I’m just taking it a day at a time and trying not to worry about how many days that will add up to.
PS I was nominated for Circle of Moms Top 25 Mental Wellness blogs. I won’t harass you every day for three weeks to vote for me, but you can if you want to. 
