Archives for May 2011

Rock Bottom is a Pile of Crap

May 15, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Who came up with the concept of “rock bottom” anyway? And why does everyone want to suggest that someone might be there and that this is a good thing because there’s only one way to go. As in UP.

Up? Really?

Wanting to down a bottle of sedatives, something serious and quite out of character – regardless of whether you expect it will kill you or just knock you out for a while – would seem like rock bottom, no?

No. Apparently that’s not rock bottom.

Then you start to think that you really can’t do this – that as much as you love your child and would choose to stay married to your husband, you can’t do this. Can’t be here. Can’t be a mom and it really was a mistake.

That seemed like rock bottom, but the rocks were loose and they slipped again.

When someone offers to take your son so you can both have a break, you’d think that would be a good thing, right? The break is good, up until the hour or so before he’s due to come home, anyway. Then the major anxiety attack hits and those rocks at the bottom feel a little bigger, a little closer.

I’m off work, and need to be. Work isn’t the problem, and yet when I drove past my office the other night after everyone would have gone home, I had a major panic attack. Explain that, please.

Maybe rock bottom is being off work, which I need to be, but feeling like I can’t be at home either. Maybe it’s feeling like I don’t know who I am and don’t know where I’m supposed to be and seeing no clear path toward the answer for either.

I’ve collected rocks all my life – it’s a genetic thing – but right now what I’ve got is a pile of crap. I sincerely hope the current state of things is rock bottom, because I’m a little sick of bouncing.

This rant was brought to you by an over-active toddler and a state of limbo, the suspected cause of which is medication that’s not doing its job. Back to regularly-scheduled (slightly less buzz-killing) posting tomorrow.

Filed Under: Postpartum depression · Tagged With: anxiety, rants

Hello, Inspiration – Moments of Motivation

May 15, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

I’ll admit to not feeling very inspired this week but I did come across some things I thought were pretty awesome.

Motivation

My friend Lori pinned something from Pinterest to Facebook and because I didn’t realize she was on Pinterest I checked out her boards. She has one called inspiration, and I love it. Lori started working out and running a few months ago to achieve some health goals, and she recently completed her first 10K. I love that she has collected these things on her inspiration board to motivate her. We all need that sometimes.

Strength

One of the other things is something that started last week. A good friend told us about some really crappy things that have happened to her. I’ve thought about her every day since, and I didn’t really realize how much thinking I’d have to do to process what she’d told us. I’d never have known this about her and I think even more highly of her now – for living through the crap, for telling us about it (which I know was so, so hard) and for looking for help to deal with it. You never know what demons people are wrestling, and I’m always amazed by how much power there is in sharing our struggles.

Literary Ladies

I recently received my copy of Literary Ladies by Nava Atlas, which I won through a giveaway on Katie’s Bookcase. I was beyond thrilled to win this – it was like a sign that I should keep writing. And it’s such a cool book – I’ve only started to explore it, but it’s doing wonders for my perspective already. (If you want a copy, that link above is Katie’s affiliate link, so she’ll get some pennies if you click through from there. I get nothing, other than good karma, which I figure can’t hurt.)

Love

And of course, I have to say one more time how much I was inspired by this. Not the actions, but the love behind it. There should be more people in the world like my sister.

Got anything else inspiring to share? I could use something to help me get unstuck.

Filed Under: Hello, Inspiration · Tagged With: gratitude, love, perspective

Confessions of a Depressed Canine

May 14, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Depression isn’t contagious in humans, but I’m starting to wonder if I’ve given it to my dog.

Poor Finley – he hasn’t been the same since we brought Connor home. We did the introduction thing and the blanket-smelling thing when we came home from the hospital and for a while he seemed okay. Curious, and perhaps a little suspicious, but okay.

Then Connor started to get mobile, and apparently this was NOT OKAY. Finley watched with surprise, and then concern, and then he started to get a little too close as though he was perfectly prepared to put the chubby little crawling thing in his place. So we carefully intervened on Connor’s behalf to make sure his chub stayed intact, but as Connor has grown it’s Finley who needs us to run interference.

This is generally related to Connor’s tendency to be active and physical and, well, two. We’ve taught him that he needs to be gentle, and usually he is. But occasionally Finley gets a completely undeserved swat, which we treat with zero tolerance so it’s getting better.

But at the first sign of any sort of discipline – even a calm command for a time-out – Finley’s tail starts to droop. If Connor is crying, for whatever reason, Finley lurks nearby, tail between his legs, head dropped, everything in his pose revealing his concern. If we get into a true cut-it-out, I’m-serious, quit-being-so-two! situation with Connor, Finley runs for cover.

Maybe it was that first year when things were so rough – Connor was fussy, didn’t sleep, cried a lot. I didn’t cope, didn’t sleep, cried a lot. Maybe Finley has Post Traumatic Connor Disorder as well.

At times we’ve found him cowering on the stairs or under a desk or chair. Sometimes his poor little fuzzy body shakes. When Connor’s in the house, Finley is always on high alert. I feel guilty for not being able to protect him from this.

Or maybe I shouldn’t feel that guilt – shouldn’t worry that there was too much tension when Connor was a baby and my reaction to it has traumatized my dog for life. Maybe it’s just the combination of a dog who likes his routine and a child who is determined to keep things interesting.

But I feel for my furry baby, and when he looks at me with those sad puppy-dog eyes I know just how he feels.

In his happy place.

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Filed Under: Postpartum depression · Tagged With: depression, mom's instinct

Wisdom in Six Words

May 13, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Today I’m joining Melissa from Making Things Up for Six Word Fridays on the topic of wisdom.

Lately all the pieces of my path are weaving together into something – I can see where it’s going, but not how I’m going to get there. I understand what this journey might look like, but can’t yet articulate it.

What I can do is express some of what I’ve learned lately, so here’s what wisdom I have in six-word increments:

Time to think is so valuable.

Ask for help when it’s needed.

Accept help when it is offered.

Friends are family, family are friends.

What you are feeling is okay.

Some days are better than others.

It’s true – everyone struggles with something.

Being painfully honest can help others.

If you’re open, there are signs.

You’re loved more than you know.