Lame Freelance Writer Postings

A few months ago I started doing some freelance writing, and every day or so I scan the postings looking for freelance writers. Some of them are hilarious, some eye-roll worthy, and some plain dumb. Here, for your entertainment, are some of the goofiest ones I’ve seen recently.

The Freaks:

Work with a CPA

Dear Friend:
I became a CPA 40 years ago.
I hardly practiced.
Instead I became a teacher of visualization and have taught students worldwide.
And these students have attracted their own students.
And so the business prospers year after year.
And what does that all have to do with you?
Simply publish this letter in ads, social media, etc and work with me.
You pay nothing to me.
When someone responds to the letter, as they will, send them to me.
As they begin study with me, you get paid.
Want even more money.
Arrange to be one of my students.
As a CPA, I created the easiest business in America to generate money.
Of course, I am very proud of the good it spreads as well.
I would love to invite you to share how much good it can provide you.

I’m not even sure I understand this, but I’m pretty sure I’m not this guy’s “friend.”

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Writer needed to edit and spice up my writing

I need someone to edit and add a little spice to my letters that I send to my potential customers. I am not interested only in a proper english but I also want the letters to sound hot and interesting… I want my phone to start ringing. If you have the skills and experience in writing sales/marketing letters and are not expensive I would like to use you r services right away. Please email me something that you have written.

Yeah…no. (I’m not that sort of girl.)

—

Copywriter WANTED. Write Faster & Better Than Me? 

…I’m primarily looking for writers with
* good storytelling
* fast/very good with research
* extremely good writing – that flows and is filled with emotion. When I say emotion I mean emotion that’s appropriate for that specific product.

Example:
* You will be EMBARRASSED if you continue to go days without improving your acne with the XYZ product. Not only embarrassed, but you may continue to go weeks and months feeling rejected, isolated and uncared for… simply because your skin isn’t clear *

1. I have no doubt I can write “as good” as you can. 2. I can get emotional with the best of them, but getting emotional about zit cream is a stretch, even for me. 

The cheaters:

Master’s level research paper needed NOW!

I will pay someone $200 to do a 27 page research paper dealing with criminal justice. Paper needed in 3 weeks! You or we will pick the topic together, get it approved, you pick the reading materials and then you are on your own. I need someone that can start immediately! Thanks!

You know, I have a master’s degree and I really don’t want to write any more master’s research papers, especially if I don’t get the credit for it. And that’s like $7/page – SO not worth it. 

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Master’s level criminal justice essays $8/question NOW!

I need help with 5-6 assignments each assignment has 5 essay questions that needs to be answered APA with 300 words. I am paying $8 per question/answer. I need all assignments in 3 weeks (2 per week would be fine). I am willing to negotiate the pay. Need someone that can start by tomorrow. This is a master’s level criminal justice class. I provide the reading and questions and I pay through paypal. I might have another project for you too. Thanks!

Oh hey, it’s you again! Do your own damn papers. 

The cranky freelancers:

I don’t work for free

Please quit posting gigs if you aren’t able or willing to pay. If you can’t afford $100 for copy on your website, then write it yourself.

Also, linking to my site from your site is not payment unless you have over 100k unique visitors a week – and you don’t.

Thank you, now go away.

Noted. (Fair point, though.)

RE: WRITING ASSISTANCE FOR AFRICAN AMERICAN RELATED ARTICLES (what a joke)

I think you need to take your meds, dear. 

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Ice Cream Evaluators Wanted

I am currently seeking local ice cream enthusiasts to evaluate a popular local chain. If you are interested in sampling ice cream and pastries and writing about your experience, please respond to this post for more information.

Is this not freelance nirvana? Ice cream evaluators? Sign me up! 

On a more serious note, I’ve been doing freelance writing work for a few months now and while I certainly haven’t figured out the secret, I’ve been reasonably successful for someone who’s just getting into it. I’m thinking about doing a post on what I’ve learned from a newbie’s perspective, so let me know in the comments if you’d be interested (and if you have any questions in particular).