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Pride in the Name of Doing It All Again

March 18, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

A few days ago I read a post by my friend Jenn. She wrote about how being a mom with depression can sometimes suck and when I saw the title of her post I thought, You bet it does. And it does, there’s no doubt about it. But Jenn’s post was actually about more than that.

…this post is not about parenting with depression it is about parenting after getting help for it. You see, there are still days that I can feel the effects of my depression on my parenting.

Oh lady, I so know what you mean.

As I sit here, nauseated and with a burgeoning belly, I think back to my last pregnancy. I remember thinking how amazing it was going to be to have a child and what a wonderful mother I would be. I thought about soft blankets and small toes and a warm baby asleep on my chest. I thought about how romantic it would be to get up with a tiny baby in the stillness of the night.

I thought, in other words, about all the things most about-to-be-mothers think about. What I did not think about, however, was how it might not be like that and how I would not be able to control how I responded to all that hard.

I did not think about how I actually don’t always get to choose the kind of mother I want to be.

Like Jenn said, I feel as though my experience with PPD has forever altered the type of mom I am.

I thought I would spend time dreaming up activities to do with my kids instead of being scared to plan something only to have it go sideways and not be able to cope with that.

I thought I’d be attentive to their nutritional needs, always ensuring they got a wide variety of things to eat, not making Kraft Dinner with ketchup on the side because it’s the only thing I have the energy to make.

I thought I’d be good at playing and didn’t expect to be left with a post-PPD desire for me time that kicks and flails and insists on being acknowledged to the detriment of “good mother” priorities.

However… that’s all just for context and not really what this post is about. I’ve been doing okay (better, anyway) in some areas so today I figured I’d link up with Charity for her Mother’s Pride Blog Carnival and acknowledge some of the things I think are going well. Or better than before, anyway.

I’ve been doing bath time without feeling like it’s a major energy suck and something I have to work up to doing.

I’ve been doing better at redirecting behaviour like yelling or throwing things without feeling like I’m going to snap.

I’m a little better at playing. Sometimes.

I’m pretty good at doing countdowns so we can eat lunch/leave an activity/get to bed without any meltdowns.

I’m better at asking for help.

And while I’m on the subject of pride, I’m very proud of my son for adapting well to his new school and for his insatiable curiosity and inspiring confidence when it comes to Lego, and very proud of my husband for picking up the slack while I focus on not puking everywhere.

So that’s what I’m proud of, even though I’m not the mom I thought I was going to be. But is any of us? Are you?

Filed Under: Be enough me, Hard things, Motherhood, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: admissions, Be enough me, expectations, mom's instinct

Things I Like About Me – The Sequel

February 27, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

In July of last year, I jumped in on a link-up my friend Elena created. Except she wasn’t really my friend then because I’d only just met her so I didn’t know her all that well.

Anyway, I wrote a list of things I like about me and linked up with her because I thought it was a great idea. A whole bunch of other people did too so the link-up really took off. And shortly after that Elena invited me to join her on a new site she was about to launch and, thankfully, I said yes, which is how I got involved with Just.Be.Enough (and discovered just how incredibly Elena really is).

And now we’re doing the link-up again.

It’s almost six months since we launched Just.Be.Enough, which seems like a good time to remind ourselves of the things we like about who we are. When I wrote my last list, I was surprised at how hard it was for me. This time I know it’s going to be hard, which is why I’m rambling on here instead of getting to the list already.

Okay, here we go:

I know myself well enough to know when I need a break and don’t push myself to be social when my introverted self is done with crowds (she says as she writes from her hotel room at the Blissdom conference while everyone else is at the party).
I think I’m a pretty good boss.
I try to make sure no one feels excluded.
I’m a hugger. I don’t know why I like that about myself, but I do.

I think that’s all I’ve got. Not that I’m down on myself right now – I’m just feeling blocked about writing. That has certainly become clear over the last couple of days at this conference, but more on that later. Maybe.

Filed Under: Be enough me · Tagged With: Be enough me, lists, perspective

Sleep and the Definition of Enough

February 12, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

Three years, eight months. That’s how old my son is. To the day, actually. That’s also how long we’ve been dealing with a kid who just will not sleep.

I haven’t posted too much about sleep issues here, but if you go back through my Facebook timeline to 2008/09 you’ll find that the vast majority of my status updates are about our sleep battles.

I’m sure there are kids who are worse. And I know there are parents who deal with much harder things. But oh my god the sleep. It’s tiring. (Pun intended.)

We have had very short – VERY short – stretches where he’ll sleep through the night a few nights in a row. I can’t remember what the record was, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take two hands to count out the streak. We had some rough nights when we first moved into this house, which we expected, but we’ve now been here, and pretty settled, for 2 1/2 months. Guess how many times he’s slept through the night since we’ve been here. Go on, guess.

ONE.

That’s not counting the nights he slept with us or the ones where one of us, or my mom, slept with him. My husband and I still basically alternate nights so only one of us has to get up on any given night. Which works all right, except for those nights when he gets up 4,326 times.

Okay, to be fair, he’s not that bad.

I’d say he’s up an average of twice a night. Many nights only once, but quite often three or four times. The good thing is that it’s much, much easier to get him back to sleep now. Lately he will just quietly walk into our room and stand next to the bed. That’s generally enough for one of us to wake up, and when we do he says he wants a cuddle. So one of us will go back with him and give him a cuddle because (a) cuddles are nice, even (usually) at 3 a.m. and (b) we’re just too tired to be tough and make him go back to bed on his own.

We’re doing this to ourselves, aren’t we? We know we are, and I think we’ve essentially decided we don’t care. I remember when Connor was really young a fellow new mom observed that all those things we do in the moment to deal with a baby when we’re really tired totally screw us over, but we don’t care. It’s like we’re choosing the way present “me” wants to do things and saying, “Screw you, future me. I’m tired.”

And then you become future me and you wish formerly present me wasn’t such a bitch.

But, alas, here I am nearly four years later still making choices that screw over future me. And not only does future me have to deal with the waking up and the interrupted sleep and the way-too-early mornings, but she has to do it while she’s tired. And there’s no version of me who does well when she’s tired.

I’ve long stopped thinking he’ll finally just sleep already. I’m sure he won’t, ever. I’m sure somewhere out there is a very small girl who may one day become his wife and who will be mad at me for screwing her over too. And all I will be able to say is, “I used to be a much nicer person and a much better mother but your dear husband never slept enough and as a result I’m kind of a bitch.”

So to her, and to all the future versions of me, I say: “Yeah, sorry about that.”

Oh look, he did sleep once. We even got it on camera.

Filed Under: Be enough me, Hard things, Motherhood · Tagged With: Be enough me, sleep

From New to Truly You

February 5, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

You know how when you start something like a new job you suddenly become totally aware of yourself and how funny you are (or aren’t) and how much you know (or don’t)? I think we all hide behind ourselves a little bit in those situations, sussing things out and trying to figure out who we are in that environment. The problem with that is, whoever we are, we aren’t our true selves.

I was certainly finding that when I started my new job in December. The first couple of days I felt like there was a microscope on me, except the person looking through the glass wasn’t my new colleagues, it was me. And then I read something that reminded me what those situations are really about.

I’m sharing that story on Just.Be.Enough. today. Come and read!

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Filed Under: Be enough me · Tagged With: Be enough me, firsts, mask, perspective

Dear Had-Enough Girl

December 11, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Last Wednesday was not a good day. In fact it was a bad day. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.*

By that point we had been in our new house for a week and a half. We had no furniture except the bed we’d bought when we got here and while hanging out in an empty house with no furniture sounds kind of fun, it’s only actually fun for about a day and a half.

The people who lived here before us had a cat. A big, hairy one. I like cats, but I’m horribly allergic to them so being in the vicinity of a cat (or the evidence of a cat) for a prolonged period makes me fairly cranky. And this cat left evidence. There was cat hair everywhere, which we attempted to resolve by vacuuming and steam cleaning the carpets. And washing the windows because there was cat hair stuck to them. But then we discovered that the washing machine and dryer here do a lovely job of pasting cat hair to our clothes, and that was really the last straw.

By last Wednesday I was beyond cranky. I was downright miserable, and making life downright miserable for the two boys and one dog who live with me.

I had been trying to stave off the rage by tromping through snow and chasing sunsets but on Wednesday it wasn’t working. I was sick of the cat hair. I was sick of not having enough cutlery and enough towels. I was sick of someone else’s washer and dryer and desperately wanted to get our new ones delivered already.

I’d had enough.

And then—as it is wont to do—the Universe intervened.

First, a bit of backstory: Several months ago I subscribed to Daily Truths from the Brave Girls Club. (They’re called “A little bird told me…” How perfect is that?) More frequently than I would have expected that daily truth hit on exactly the thing I was struggling with. But then for some reason I stopped getting them. I tried to resubscribe but no dice. With everything else going on I didn’t worry about it, especially since I caught some of them on Facebook.

Anyway, on Wednesday evening, as I was starting to wonder exactly how hard it would be to invent a fast forward button for the bits of life I really didn’t want to have to live through, I saw one of those daily truths on Facebook. I normally skip over those when I’m in a bad mood, but I clicked on that one.

Those who wish to sing always find a song.

Artist: Sally Rose

“Dear Had-Enough Girl,” it said, and I knew it was talking to me.

“First, just take a second and breathe, ok?…deep deep deeply breathe in and out. Close your eyes for a second and remember that it’s ok if you feel completely overwhelmed at the tasks that are ahead for you… It’s okay if you want to throw a fit some days and let someone else be in charge.

So do it…throw a fit for a few minutes.”

I love unexpected messages that completely enable me.

And then kick me me in the pants.

“Now that you’ve got that out of your system…think for a minute about how you want the rest of the day…and tomorrow to go. How you really want to feel, what you really want to accomplish, where you really want to end up…and decide right this second that you are going to do ONE THING to take a step in that direction.”

All right, little bird. Message received. Time to take a deep breath and get my priorities straight.

Thursday was MUCH better.

*With thanks to Judith Viorst for such a perfect descriptor.

If you like, you can read that daily truth in its entirety.

Do you have a source of daily inspiration? Does it ever hit the nail on the head?

Come and visit us at Just.Be.Enough. this week. We have a giveaway for a totally inspiring book!