On the Road to Wisdom

November 27, 2011 by ·

Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself.
~ Khalil Gibran

At the beginning of this year I did two things: I started this blog and I joined a One Little Word class. I thought I’d write here a bit and see where it went, and here I am almost a year later, fully immersed. I thought I’d dive right into the One Little Word class and do all the exercises, and almost a year later I haven’t done many of them but my word is fully immersed in my life.

I had a tough time choosing the word, and was skeptical about the common “the word will choose you” reassurance. Initially I thought I’d choose “improve” as my word because that’s what I wanted to do in many areas of my life. But thinking that was a good word was really a symptom of my problem, and luckily I came to my senses and realized that was too self-critically negative.

And then my word chose me.

I don’t remember how it happened. It just came to me one day, I think, and that was that. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but I do now.

Seek.

verb, sought, seek·ing.

–verb (used with object)

1. to go in search or quest of: to seek the truth.

2. to try to find or discover by searching or questioning: to seek the solution to a problem.

3. to try to obtain: to seek fame.

4. to try or attempt (usually fol. by an infinitive): to seek to convince a person.

5. to go to: to seek a place to rest.

6. to ask for; request: to seek advice.

7. Archaic: to search or explore.

For too long I was too proud to weep (figuratively, anyway, or at least in public) and too grave to laugh. I lost sight of what was important.

Actually, I don’t think I knew what was important.

I do now. In part, at least. I was seeking something I didn’t know was lost, and now I’ve started to find my way back to it.

I was seeking myself.

This search (journey? quest?) has led me places I would not have anticipated a year ago, and now a new stage is beginning.

A new home.

A new place.

A new start.

I look forward to where seeking wisdom will take me, and what part of myself I will find on the way there.

Seek wisdom
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The Just.Be.Enough team is so thankful to have been partnering with Striiv on our Striiv 2 Be Enough month-long challenge. Now it is our turn to give back to one of you! Enter to win a chance to own your very own Striiv fitness device just by linking up an “I am striving for” post on Just.Be.Enough this week.

A winner will be chosen among the linked posts (remember that the linky closes on Wednesday 11/30 at 11:59 pm EST) using random.org on Thursday (12/1) morning. The winner will be notified by email and will have 24 hours to reply with a mailing address and telephone number or another winner will be selected.

To be entered:

  • Link an “I am Striving for” Be Enough Me post in the linky, AND
  • Comment on the JBE post to let us know that you would like to win your OWN Striiv.

—–

And don’t forget about our first EVER Twitter party!

We are so excited to host a “Striiv to Be Enough” event where we’ll be discussing getting moving and putting ourselves first as we strive to live healthy lives full of movement.

Plus, we’re offering amazing prizes that you will NOT want to miss! You must RSVP and be present during most of the event to be eligible to win prizes.

When: Tuesday, November 29th, 8-9 pm EST/5-6 pm PST
Where: On Twitter!
Follow: @JustBeEnough and hashtag #Striiv2BEnough

RSVP here

Filed Under: Be enough me, Hello, Inspiration · Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Two Thieves

November 6, 2011 by ·

I’ll always remember a certain piece of advice my mom gave me years and years ago:

You’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than the things you did. 

I’m not sure I really understood it at first. I was, at the time, young enough to be focused on all the things I hated about myself. (I’ve since grown older and wiser.) I did something embarrassing at school and regretted it. I didn’t study hard enough for that math test and regretted it (even though I certainly didn’t want a do-over). All those things I thought meant something.

As I got older I started to realize what my mom meant. All those things contribute to a life and are part of what make me who I am (do not ask me to do math, I beseech you). But I’ve long since learned they aren’t what’s important.

What’s important is what we choose to do – deliberately and with purpose, no matter how hard it may be. And in thinking about the things I might not do because I’m scared, I came to understand what my mom meant about regretting the things you don’t do more than the things you do. I thought it was brilliant and therefore so was she.

When I look back, there are many things that were hard or embarrassing or just plain awful, but I don’t actually regret any of them.

leaves in water

Image credit: Steve-h on Flickr

I don’t regret my weeks of being homesick at the beginning of a four-month exchange I went on to Germany when I was 15. It taught me that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

I don’t regret choosing a university closer to home instead of a more adventurous-sounding one across the country. That choice led me to my husband and the family I have now.

I don’t regret sticking with a job I initially hated. It gave me some really good experience and a foundation for what I want in my work.

Sometimes I wish I had tried harder to get Connor to sleep when he was a baby, but I don’t actually know if it would have helped. In any case, wishing won’t make it so.

I don’t even regret my horrible experience with PPD. I don’t regret the agony or the anger, the misery, the number of doctors I saw without getting a diagnosis or even the horrible psychiatrist. I don’t regret having to take time off work or spending a few months on a bunch of different medications so I could get through each day, minute by minute. That experience has taught me about life, myself, what I value, and what I can do when I do what’s right.

I certainly don’t regret anything I’ve posted on this blog.

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future.”
~ Fulton Oursler 

And now I’m about to enter a new phase. We’ve been discussing this move for a long time – years, actually, even if only in a hypothetical, wouldn’t-it-be-great-if kind of way. One of the reasons we didn’t do it before was fear. My fear. But I think it’s time to do it.

It’s nerve-wracking to have so much change all at once, especially after a period of instability. But I’m okay with that. I think the change will be a good thing, and now that we’ve bought a house and know where we’re going to be three weeks from now I’m getting totally excited.

But I’m still scared. I’m scared to be that far from my parents, even if it (hopefully) turns out to be temporary if they move as well. I’m worried about having made a decision that will mean Connor won’t see his grandparents regularly, and that they won’t see him.

That’s the part that makes me feel sick to my stomach. Not the move, not the job, not leaving everything else that has been my world for so long. It’s my parents – their support and their time with my son. But I think we have to do it. I think it’s the right thing to do. So I’ll accept the fear in place of regret. The two thieves – I’ll avoid one by embracing the other.

And live with no regrets.

 

We hope you will read, comment, link up,
and explore the stories of others who have joined in. 

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Every Monday join us…
Write, post, link up, share your story and your voice.
Be part of carrying the weight of confidence and share our mission
to empower, inspire, and remind women, parents and children
that the time has come to celebrate ourselves!

Next week’s prompt: What is one image or symbol that
reminds you that are you enough?

(Remember you can also write on a topic of your choice.)

Filed Under: Be enough me, Hello, Inspiration, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: , , ,

The Truth

October 30, 2011 by ·

Just before 4:30 on Friday, I left my afternoon meeting and got into my car. I drove a few blocks and then pulled over to an empty parking spot on the side of the road, pulled out my BlackBerry, and wrote my resignation.

And hit send.

As of November 19, I will no longer be employed at the organization I have worked at for almost six years. I will no longer be employed at all, in fact.

The truth is this causes me a slightly-larger-than-small amount of anxiety.

The truth is it’s more freeing than scary.

When we started talking about making this move I presumed I’d get a job and then move. I applied for some, interviewed, and then sat there waiting for the phone to ring. And one afternoon I realized I was waiting for the phone to ring but hoping it didn’t.

That realization was freeing too.

By all normal logic, I should have a job. My husband is a stay-at-home dad and I have a preschooler who’s growing so fast I’m starting to hope capris become a hot style for three-year-old boys.

We intend to buy a house in Calgary, but with the equity in our current house we’ll be able to do that. We sold that house on Friday – the papers have been signed, the for-sale sign has been flipped, and less than a month from now we’re going to hit the road.

I’ve busted out of the golden handcuffs before and it’s not easy. (One of these days I’ll have to tell you the story about how spending a weekend at an alternative treatment centre with my mom when she had cancer ultimately led me to leave a totally secure job and take a pay cut to do the kind of work I wanted to do.) It hasn’t been easy this time around either. But I have never once doubted it’s the right thing to do, and after all that’s happened over the last few months I’m not prepared to take the wrong job just so I have a job. Sometimes I think you have to just GO. The right job will find me.

“Aren’t you scared?” a good friend of mine asked a few weeks ago. “Shitless,” I answered truthfully. But I’d rather be full of fear for a short time than full of regret forever. (And then last week, for similar reasons, that friend quit his job too. The truth is out there, people. It’s spreading, and it’s AWESOME.)

The truth is we spend too much time being scared. We think “scary” equals “wrong” so we stay scared and we do nothing. We stay the course.

The truth is I think I’d die if I stayed the course. Physically, I already came as close as I care to. I’m not letting what I “should” do steal my soul.

truth or consequences road sign

Image credit: kxlly on Flickr

There’s a whole other layer to what’s happening in my work environment right now and, while I decided to move on before that begun, it’s been, frankly, awful. There are things I want to pour on this page, but I can’t. That’s one truth I can’t tell. So I don’t have this outlet and my emotion and frustration and grief over a difficult situation have overflowed elsewhere.

Truth: It’s affecting people I care about, and that’s hard.

Truth: It’s damaged a relationship, possibly irreparably, and I regret that while at the same time feel like I can’t do anything about it.

Truth: It feels like I’m leaving part of me behind in this process. Not just the part I have intentionally ditched, but a good part. A stable part. A rational part.

It’s the truth. But it has consequences.

 

 

Filed Under: Be enough me, Happy things, Hard things · Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Beauty in the Breakdown: TEDx – The Video

October 19, 2011 by ·

Early this morning I got an email from the organizers of the TEDx event I spoke at. “Your talk is up on the TED website,” they said nonchalantly, as though that one short sentence hadn’t just caused my heart to skip a beat.

Before I had even watched it, my husband had posted it on Facebook. I did sort of want someone to watch it and tell me what it was like, but that wasn’t quite what I had in mind…

“Did you watch it?! Is it awful?” I asked him.

“I saw it live. It was great,” he replied.

Husbands are so not helpful.

I was nervous. This is me crying on stage in front of strangers and it was posted on the TED website. I started to watch it, panicked, and stopped. I boiled the kettle and considered pressing play again while I was waiting, but wasn’t quite ready. Finally, with tea and toast in hand, I sat down to watch it.

I’m not sure how I expected to feel about it. Proud, I think, which is how I felt after the event. But I have to be honest: other things are outweighing the pride right now. I know I’ve written about all the things I spoke about  – the tears, the rage, and the accusations – but for some reason having this video out there is…different.

But I’m going to share it with you anyway.

It is what it is and this is my story.

(If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, the juicy part starts at the 4-minute mark.)

And speaking of being enough… Did you see my piece on Band Back Together about the origins of Just.Be.Enough?

And next week I’ll be at Just.Be.Enough. on Monday hosting the Be Enough Me link-up. Join us!

Write, post, link-up, share your story and your voice.
Be part of carrying the weight of confidence and share our mission
to empower, inspire, and remind women, parents and children
that the time has come to celebrate ourselves!

Next week’s prompt: Five Things That Make You Smile

(Remember you can also write on a topic of your choice.)

 

Filed Under: Be enough me, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: , , , , ,

Maternity Clothes for the Not Pregnant

October 9, 2011 by ·

My husband came home with Doritos the other day. Cool Ranch ones. A big bag.

You can see where this is going.

Junk food, for me, is a very slippery slope. I can sometimes manage just a little bit, which I indulge in sometimes just to test the theory that you should eat a small amount in order to avoid bingeing as a result of abstaining altogether. But the line between just a little bit and oh-so-yummy is pretty fine.

So I ate the Doritos. Not all the Doritos, but more than my fair share. And then a day or so later I wanted to finish the end of the bag, which would have been a nice, reasonable, moderate amount, but then the dog ate them. (Seriously. That’s not a dog-ate-my-Doritos lie.) I could have taken that as a sign, but by that point I really wanted Doritos. So I bought some more. Cool Ranch ones. A big bag.

Hey, don’t judge. They go so nicely with the Coke I’m addicted to.

Then there was last week’s Really Bad Day. On my way home from work I stopped at the grocery store to pick up something for dinner and while I was there my mom called my cell phone. I ended up crying in the middle of the grocery store. So I tweeted this…

Tweet: "Fuck it. If I'm crying in the grocery store I'm buying ice cream."

…and damn if Twitter didn’t enable me. So many “Yes! Do it!” “Get chocolate!” “Buy sprinkles and whipped cream too!” suggestions that I couldn’t let people down. I bought the chocolatest ice cream I could find, grabbed the Kleenex, and bawled through two bowls of it.

It’s possible this is all emotional eating related to recent stress.

bowl of chocolate ice creamI thought about posting this as my “Be Enough Me” post last week, but I honestly wasn’t prepared to commit to doing anything about it. Last week was worse, but I’m still not sure if I’m ready. After sliding down that slippery slope into the ditch, however, I have to at least admit to it. Especially because this is totally unlike me. I usually do the moderation thing fairly well, but right now not at all. And I’m not exercising at all either.

The other day I tore a giant hole in the knee of the only jeans I have that fit me right now. This morning I mentioned that to a friend, who sympathized with the tight clothes predicament, and we got into a conversation about how elastic-waist maternity pants are really quite comfortable. I should probably do something about my eating habits before I get to that point, huh? Especially since my maternity jeans are packed away in a very inaccessible location…

I need something – some sort of catalyst – to prompt me to change.

The upside to this is that I finally have cleavage but, to use a friend’s expression, that’s not a good trade. I’m enough me as I am. I really don’t think having more of me would be a good thing.

 

Every MONDAY join us… 
Write, post, link up, share your story and your voice.
Be part of carrying the weight of confidence and share our mission
to empower, inspire, and remind women, parents, and children
that the time has come to celebrate ourselves!

Next week’s prompt: What Fuels You?

(Remember you can also write on a topic of your choice.)

Filed Under: Be enough me, Hard things · Tagged With: ,
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