Naked On the Side of the Road: A Story of Postpartum Psychosis

Earlier this year I sat down at my computer and read a story that left me in awe. It’s stuck with me ever since.

On a late Friday afternoon in October 2008, I was standing stark naked on the side of a DC highway, nearly facing death because of a mental illness I didn’t know I had.

It left me in awe because it was shocking. I had never actually heard the term “postpartum psychosis” even after news stories of mothers killing their children.

The delusions worsened.  I believed that my husband was the devil and that I was God.  I thought he was trying to trick me.  While talking with him on the phone, I answered his questions with questions, to avoid giving away where I was on the highway.  When helicopters flew overhead, I was convinced the world was going to end and that presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain were headed to DC to join forces and save the world.  I thought of a few ways I could help save the world: My husband and I could kill each other.  Or we could kill our children.  Or my parents.  Or I could get baptized by a friend.

But it also left me in awe because it was so brave. The above excerpts are just part of the story Heather Coleman shared on Postpartum Progress, and at the time I told her it was the bravest story I have ever read. She shared that experience to help others and so others could understand more about postpartum psychosis. She also told her story at Ignite DC. I encourage you to read the whole story or watch the video (or both) – I guarantee it will do something to change your perspective on life.

Heather is now trying to find the people who helped her that day so she can say thank you. Can you imagine what could have happened? I would want to say thank you as well, and I hope she’s successful in doing that.

As part of her effort, she has started a Facebook page to try to find those people. If you think you can help her, click that “like” button, would you? I did, and when her updates appear in my Facebook feed it’s another dose of inspiration from someone who went through something horrible and is using that experience to make the world a better place.

Hello, Inspiration: Living the Life You’re Meant To

This week my sources of inspiration came mostly in snippets of song on the same theme – the one that keeps coming up over and over. This is the start of trying to explain what all this means.

***
I’m driving, going I don’t know where, in one of those sick-of-this, taking-lots-of-deep-breaths mindsets.

Another song comes on the radio. I don’t listen to the first verse, but I for damn sure hear the chorus.

This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

[Chorus:]
It’s my life
It’s now or never…

It’s my life. Whether I feel I’m in control of it or not, it is. Now or never? I choose now.

(Thank you, Bon Jovi.)

***
Saturday morning. It’s raining. My boys are gone for the day. Rain drops tap on the skylight. “Sleep,” they tell me. “It’s a perfect day to sleep.”

I waffle. Close my eyes a bit more. Look at my puppy on the bed and think how nice it would be to just stay there, in the quiet, and sleep.

But I need to get up. I’ll feel worse if I don’t, and I need this run. And my friend needs it too. I committed to this – for her and for myself – so I leave the sound of raindrops behind and get up.

A bowl of cereal, half a cup of tea, and I’m out the door. The car radio’s on and there’s another song with a chorus that speaks to me.

‘Cause this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want, say what you want

Nelly, you’re so right. (And you’re from my hometown.) This week I have felt powerless, more than ever before. I have to get this sorted out for me first, I know. But from very early on in this process of writing about my experience I’ve known this is more than just about documenting my experience.

I could get better and carry on with my life. But I don’t want to live it just for me. There’s an opportunity to do more and help others. So I’ll say it: that’s what I want. I want to do more than just write words on these pages. I want to help others.

***
Why do I want that, when I’ve got a perfectly good life that I could keep on living? Because I think it matters. And it’s about more than recovering from postpartum depression. It’s about being the best parent or the best person you can be. It’s about living the life you’re meant to live. So many people are paralyzed with fear. I have been and I’ve used all the same excuses: I can’t leave this job that pays well / I can’t lose my benefits / I can’t move away because my family is here / I can’t do that because I might not be good enough / I have no experience and no one will take me… I just…can’t.

I’ll tell you something – I feel all of that again now, and it’s only peripherally related to PPD.

I see all of these message on this same theme as signs and I’m trying to listen to them.

It’s your life – now or never.

Don’t be just a face in the crowd.

Say what you want.

Because life’s too short.

***
The final snippet came my way following a conversation with friends about depression, about what we want our lives to be, about how happiness is not a number on a scale or a certain lifestyle.

It was a conversation that was honest and inspiring and heartbreaking all at once. On the way home I heard a song by Amanda Marshall. The first time I watched the video, years ago, I cried. Driving home the other night I cried again because there is power in this song’s message.

I believe in power and in possibility. I believe in inspiration. I believe in myself. And I believe in you.

 

The Truth About Mental Health

Mental Health Blog Party

Mental health issues are scary, right? If you have one, whatever you do DON’T ADMIT IT.

That’s the common philosophy, anyway. Why do we think that? Because we think that by not acknowledging the issue it will go away and no one will ever know we’re not perfect? Because we don’t want people to see us as weak or somehow less?

That’s what I thought, anyway.

I used to think mental health issues were scary. After dealing with my own and talking to others, I now find them a lot less scary.

I used to think people would see me as weak. After being open about it, I’ve discovered the exact opposite.

Right now I’m on leave from work to deal with an ongoing and very stubborn case of postpartum depression. My son is three. That’s a lot of crap, people. A lot of tears. A lot of yelling. A lot of pretending things were okay when in fact they were less okay than they had ever been.

When I first went on leave, I didn’t know what to say to the people I work with so I copped out with “spending time with family”. When it turned out my leave was going to be longer than the month I had indicated, I decided to fess up.

So I sent a note to my branch (about 10 or so of those people report to me) and to some others I work closely with. It took me several days to work up the nerve. And about 18 drafts in my head. And a few very deep breaths before I finally hit send. It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever done.

What I expected was responses along the lines of, “Oh, I had no idea. Thanks for sharing. Wishing you well.”

What I got back was so much more than that – nothing but absolute support and sharing of their own personal stories.

Since it’s Mental Health Day I thought I’d share with you excerpts of some of the responses I got. A lot of these say really nice things about me, which I share not to make me sound awesome, but because sometimes these comments only come out this clearly when we tell people something honest and difficult about ourselves.

Here’s what some of them said:

“… I think the part of me that tends towards an emotional sensitivity gravitated towards the sensitivity and authenticity that is part of your nature. I think you’re an incredibly strong and wonderful person and I admire so much not only the way you lead but what you express of yourself, which is enlightened, passionate and straight from the heart. You make it easier for me to feel comfortable being my true self.”

“…What was not a surprise, and rather consistent over space and time, is your courage and ability to communicate and share your thoughts on a tough situation. As always, I’m blown away by your gift, to speak openly about something that is difficult to discuss. So thank you for sharing your story. Although it is tough to hear coming from someone you know (and can’t help them fix overnight), I would prefer to try and understand than to not know ….or worse be told something untrue.”

“I’m giving you a virtual high-five for sharing your story with me. Wow. Your courage is amazing. I’m honoured that you would share.”

“You are very brave and I am honoured that you shared this with me. It is so important to rip the veil off of the entrenched stigmas that keep us believing that we are less than perfect if we can’t just rise above.”

“…thanks so much for taking yourself and your health & your needs seriously and for being kind enough to share a little bit with people who care. You’re a fabulous role model, and I wish you exactly what you need to heal.”

“BRAVO, Robin! It’s a huge thing to come face to face with this issue and to take the time you need to deal, process, feel better, etc. That you would share this with us is also a significant step, and shows that you are serious about your leadership, as well as your efforts to heal.”

“You are a brave and incredible woman, Robin.  I had no idea about any of this. That you came forward with your personal news is inspiring and really shows me, and all of us here, about what real leadership and self-preservation mean. And those things are what really matter.”

I know other people’s mental health issues – and willingness to share that information – are different than mine. I’ve seen some people share anonymously. I’ve seen some share selectively. I’ve seen some blow the doors open and just tell people without worrying about what they’ll think.

As for me, at first I didn’t realize PPD is what I was dealing with. And then I told no one, for a long time. And then I told a few people, some of them at work, because I was just not coping and when you’re completely losing it at work on a regular basis people are bound to suspect something’s up. I preferred them to know the truth than to think I couldn’t handle my job.

Then, in January, I started blogging about it. It was a whim, and I had no idea how public that would make it. If you read my first post, you’ll see that my boss found my blog before I had even posted anything. But I kept going. And I told a few more people. And a few more. And I talked about it on the radio. And then, after a long time searching for the right thing to do, I decided to tell my whole team at work.

I still don’t tell everyone I know. I don’t post my blog posts on my personal page on Facebook…yet. But I’m getting there. And you know what? Talking about it has been empowering.

I know not everyone is comfortable sharing stuff like this. But if you’ve been thinking about it, maybe this will reassure you that it might just be okay. If you don’t want to share, that’s okay too.

Either way, your mental health matters and there are so many safe ways to get support. You can start by reading the stories being shared during this Mental Health Blog Party and the resources linked to by the bloggers participating. One thing I know for sure is one of the biggest steps in feeling better is knowing you’re not alone.

Hello Inspiration – Signs of Support

Since yesterday was Mother’s Day, I’m moving Hello, Inspiration to Monday this week. Hopefully that won’t throw you all off, since I’ve been doing this a whole two weeks now.

I had a variety of sources of inspiration this week, some more easy to describe than others.

It Gets Better

One of them was a video. Most people have probably heard of the It Gets Better Project, which I think is a great thing, but I saw this ad on TV and I think it’s amazing. It’s well done, but it’s a message that can apply in so many situations. Maybe that’s why it stuck with me.

[Update: Damn, sorry, they removed the video.]

Dreaming Big

I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer, and there are a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life. There are some things that are not on my life list but now may need to be. Or maybe it’s more than that. I think I have a new Definite Chief Aim – my most important goals in life. As part of exploring what that might be – or perhaps how it might come to be – I’ve signed up for Mondo Beyondo’s Dreaming Big online class.

I gave my mom one of their courses for Mother’s Day last year, and she really liked it. Here’s the description for this one:

This five week online class complete with inspiring lessons, real life stories, secret missions, audio interviews and hands-on activities will help you take your dreams from the realm of wishing into everyday motion.

I’m not generally shy about going after what I want to do, but a little inspiration and insight from others along the way can’t hurt.

The course starts May 16 and costs $99 US and right now they’re offering a 2 for 1 deal. If you want to learn more, click the image below. (Full disclosure: that’s an affiliate link so if you happen to register I get a little something. And you get a cool class and some good karma.)

Signs and the Rock of Friendship

My last source of inspiration is harder to describe. It’s a you-had-to-be-there sort of thing, but it’s worth adding to this list because it’s connected to the concepts behind both of the above and to this roller coaster of a journey I’m on.

On Friday night, two very good friends and I went to stay at a beach resort a couple of hours from here. It started as a casual, girls’ getaway suggestion and turned into something we realized we needed to do because we all needed to talk about some stuff.

“Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve seen this quote before, but it keeps coming across my path. I’m more aware of this after the last four months than I ever have been before, and I’m so grateful for being able to sit down with friends and talk about our hard battles, even the parts we haven’t told many – or any – people before.

On our way home, we were looking for a group of shops we’d heard about and wanted to check out. We found them, went in, and at first it was overwhelming. The first was a house – an actual house that hadn’t really been modified – and things were displayed on every surface, every wall, every floor. Normally those sorts of places are way too stimulating for me, but the things were so beautiful so I started to walk around. And then a funny thing happened.

I have two symbols that are meaningful to me – one that goes back to when I was pregnant that I’ve since associated with becoming a mother, and one that has come to represent what I hope to do with what I’ve learned from this PPD journey – and as I walked around these shops I saw these symbols everywhere. They were on jewelry, mugs, stickers, tea towels, bags and more. It was as though I was being told I’m on the right path.

While I was tempted to buy every item in the store, I managed to select a few things that will remind me of the power of that weekend, the power of believing things will get better, and the power of dreaming big.

Helping Me Find My Inner “Good Mom”

“Write about a woman who helped you,” was the request, but who among the countless options to choose? I could write about my mother, who probably tops that list. But I did that recently. I could write about my sisters, but I can’t yet adequately articulate the gratitude I feel for what they’ve done for me. So I’m going to write about someone else – someone who helped me just this morning, in fact.

Yael Saar has actually been helping me in the virtual world for a while and then she offered to speak on the phone, which we did this morning. She gave me a welcome push toward addressing the one issue in my PPD battle I have felt I can’t solve.

I struggle with my son, who’s quite spirited (as I’ve noted). I appreciate this spirit but it triggers me, pushing me over the edge into reactions I can’t control. A lot of his behaviour is normal – throwing food, flinging his toothbrush across the room, refusing to stay in bed, hitting when he gets worked up – but he does it with a special enthusiasm.

My reaction to this has been to try to control it. You don’t want to brush your teeth? Fine, I’ll hold you down and do it for you. You don’t want me to put these clothes on you? Then we’re not going to the play date.

Not surprisingly, it’s not working. And more, it’s prolonging this battle and making it harder to fight. My biggest fear is that the ultimate ending to this saga is going to be me saying, “I love you, but I can’t live with you.”

Yael’s suggestions were a lightning bolt, shocking my brain into functioning properly. She encouraged me to think about command vs. respect, independence instead of forcing my way, and to try to understand what causes his rebellion to find ways to avoid the things that trigger him.

This perspective was a gift – perfectly timed to pull me a little further away from the hole of hopelessness. The next step is up to me, but I will be forever grateful to Yael for pointing me in the right direction.

 

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I was selected for this very special “CleverHaiti” opportunity by Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity. All opinions are my own.