I’ve read a couple of non-fiction books about marriage recently. One was Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed: A Love Story, about the process she went through coming to terms with having to marry her Brazilian partner, Felipe, because of an issue with U.S. immigration. I liked the book all right—it’s an interesting sociological study of marriage—but, oh lord, can that woman make a big deal out of something. I don’t think she knows how to live outside a state of emotional turmoil.

In any case, the thing that struck me about Gilbert’s book is that she seems determined to believe that, in marriage, a person expects—in fact needs—her spouse to make her happy. Despite being a strong, educated, fairly independent woman, her very identity is wrapped up in her relationship. I’m sure it won’t  be a surprise to you that this is a perspective I find hard to choke down.

A while back*, another blogger I know (who works in PR) was looking for people to review a book about marriage. Laura offered up a copy of The Secret Lives of Wives: Women Share What It Really Takes to Stay Married. I had heard about the book because it was getting fairly sensational press and I thought it might be a juicy read.

It was, in fact, a very good read, but not in the sense I expected. The author, bestselling journalist Iris Krasnow, interviewed more than 200 wives whose marriages have survived for 15 to 70 years to find out what they do to make their marriages last. Yes, there are the expected affairs and illicit liaisons. There are women who keep some sort of their lives secret and would never even dream of sharing that side of themselves with their husbands. Contrary to the author’s argument, however, I suspect those women aren’t as happy—or happily married—as they’re portrayed to be.

The thing that fascinated me, though, was that the book’s essential assertion is that you have to be someone separate from your husband in order to stay happily married. This, of course, is no surprise. It’s the exact opposite of Gilbert’s belief and the exact message that made me like Krasnow’s book so much more than Gilbert’s evolving narcissistic memoir. (In case you haven’t heard, I’m not a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert. Though, to be fair, in that post I did acknowledge one part of her perspective that really spoke to me.)

It’s also no surprise that in The Secret Lives of Wives Krasnow concludes that the secret to a happy marriage is as individual as the women she spoke to but that, ultimately, “marital bliss is possible if each partner is blissful apart from the other.”

So, wanna read it? Enter below.

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I’ve never been part of a book club – the idea of having to read something on a schedule always seemed like too much pressure. And what if I didn’t like the book but felt obligated to finish it? What if I didn’t have anything intelligent to say? All those worries seem to go away when you’re a mom with a job and little time to read. Sometimes being “forced” to read something other than Curious George’s latest escapade is actually a good thing.

I joined the BlogHer Book Club with this in mind, and it’s been great. I’ve liked the books we’ve read so far, and the latest is no different.

The Lake of Dreams by Kim Edwards (author of The Memory Keeper’s Daughter) is great for escapism. It took a while for me to get into it, and I found the early parts of the mystery that’s central to the story a bit cryptic. A few too many references to history and characters meant to sound intriguing but who, at that point, I felt no connection to. But with the journey of Lucy, the main character, and the meaning-of-life element, I knew it was going somewhere good.

The Lake of Dreams is Lucy’s hometown, where she returns after her mother has an accident. She’s looking for meaning in her own life—having flown home from Japan, where she lives with her boyfriend Yoshi without a job to keep her fulfilled—and immediately dives into her family’s history. Everything from her father’s relationship with his brother to his untimely death swirls around Lucy, causing angst and setting a questioning tone. But when she finds old papers, including letters written by a mystery woman, things start to get interesting.

I didn’t entirely buy the premise—that a whole family history, including secrets formerly unknown, could be unravelled by a seemingly coincidental discovery of hidden papers—but if you apply the suspend-disbelief philosophy it’s an intriguing read. It’s not a terribly intellectual one (though sometimes that’s just what a tired mom needs) but one of the aspects of the BlogHer Book Club I like most is the chance to pretend I’m in high school English again and pick apart a book at a level deeper than what my brain can process in the few minutes before I fall asleep at night. Come and join in – the first question (Do you act from love or from anger?) has me hooked already.

This was a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own.