Five Months to Firm

I firmly believe people won’t quit something or start something or stick to something (like quitting a bad habit or starting a new one) if they’re not ready to do it. And that’s about the only thing I’ve got right now that’s firm.

on Connor's first birthday

on Connor’s first birthday

The other day I saw a picture of myself with Connor on his first birthday, when I was about 30 pounds lighter than I am right now. And a day or so later I looked in the mirror and sucked in my tummy and thought, “If I really suck it in it’s not too bad.” And then we went away for a few days and I got some perspective and decided that being in a state of not-too-bad-but-only-when-my-tummy-is-sucked-in is not okay.

I was happy with my body before Connor was born. I had a small crisis when he was about three months old and I had to buy some in-between clothes and I almost cried because I thought I was going to feel flabby forever. But thanks to a baby who needed a lot of bouncing and a very active maternity leave I did lose the weight and a few extra pounds to boot. But when I started antidepressants some of that flab came back and hasn’t left.

I didn’t actually get weighed regularly when I was pregnant with Ethan, but my best guess based on what I think I weighed before is that I gained about eight pounds. And I’m now about two pounds below what I weighed when he was born.

Are you feeling disheartened yet? Because I am.

I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of stuffing my face with crap because I’m bored or tired or just plain old in the habit of eating badly. I don’t want to have to hang my jeans to dry so I don’t have to hold my breath for the first couple of hours of wearing them after they come out of the dryer. And I didn’t want to have to buy shorts in a size larger than what I’ve been wearing recently, but that’s what I had to do. It doesn’t matter that they’re pink and summery and we finally have weather that requires shorts. I just don’t want to see that extra flab in the mirror anymore. And now I’m finally ready to do something about it.

So I solemnly swear that I quit. For the next month I’m going to cut out all the stuff I’ve been eating because I think it will make me feel better. No Coke, no chocolate, no ice cream. Bye bye Blizzards. Farewell fries. I’m going to keep up with the exercise I’ve been doing and try to add more, but my eating habits really need to go back to where they were.

I’ve got five months until Ethan turns one. I may not get back to where I was on my first child’s first birthday, but I’d like to at least feel better about myself when I see the pictures.

PS I’d like to offer a shout-out to Miranda from Not Super… Just Mom whose State of the Weight Wednesday series has contributed to my resolve.

 

How to Find Your Beauty

Two years ago I never would have posted a self-portrait here. A year ago I never would have posted a picture of me without makeup. Heck, a month ago I probably wouldn’t have. But today I’m going to change that.

I’m not sure what’s changed, exactly, but it has something to do with spending less time caring and spending more time finding my own beauty.

Dove is encouraging women to find their beauty with their latest video, which has been shared often on Facebook and elsewhere.

The women I’ve seen share this are all different ages with all different kinds of faces. Their sentiments in sharing the link have included things like made me teary, made me stop, made me think. They’ve said we don’t see our own beauty and I need to take this message to heart.

My first thought was different.

The Dove video is clearly professionally produced and edited. It appears—and I’m assuming here—that the artist in the video was in on the concept. Maybe my impression of it was different because I had seen this video talked up before I watched it. Or maybe it’s because I’ve produced video and I know how much goes into scripting the message and editing the content to fit. But upon watching the video the first thing I thought about was the approach Dove took to make their point.

Did Dove focus on the women’s negative descriptions of themselves while highlighting the strangers’ positive descriptions of the women they described? Yes. Did the artist’s work involve bias (intended or not) that resulted in the women’s portraits seeming less attractive when the women described themselves and more attractive when others did? I don’t know. Probably.

Does any of that change the message? No.

Dove is doing a great things with this campaign and others they offered before it. They’re challenging our notions of beauty and asking us to think about how we see ourselves. And, perhaps more importantly, they’re making us talk about it.

Maybe the other reason this video didn’t hit me as hard as it appears to have hit others is that I don’t have a tendency to berate myself for not being beautiful enough.

To be clear, I don’t think I’m especially beautiful. I like my eyes (sometimes). I like my hair, but only when I’m having a good hair day. I hate my chin and my nose and the extra weight that likes to gather around my midsection. The thing that’s different, I think, is that I’ve somehow mostly come to terms with how I look.

I do, however, struggle with photos of me. I hate them with a red-hot passion that I can barely begin to describe. I see pictures of myself and focus on the features I hate and how not photogenic I am and I want to hide under the covers on my bed and never come out.

So I’ve been doing something about that.

For the last few months I’ve been taking self-portraits. Random shots at random times – sometimes when I like how I look and sometimes just to take some shots to see if I can tolerate any of them. Mostly I can’t and I spend a lot of time deleting.

But I’m going to challenge my own perception of what’s beautiful enough and share some of those photos here.

self-portrait2

This is one of the first ones I took and the only one here that’s been edited. I took it on a casual, hoodie sort of day but didn’t like how washed-out I looked so I added an effect to jazz it up a little. I like how my eyes look but I think the rest is sort of freaky.

self-portrait5

We went to a winter carnival a couple of months ago and I had to feed Ethan before we left. A selfie while nursing? Why not.
self-portrait4

This picture is from a series I took while playing with Ethan on the floor one day. Most of them were horrific (gravity will do that to you) but I kept this one because it was representative of our playtime that day.

self-portrait3

This is a recent one I shared on Instagram. I think most sunglasses look ridiculous on me (and my husband will agree) but I wanted a picture of me with my little owl that day.

self-portrait1

And, finally, this one.

I posted my thoughts about the Dove campaign and the potential of the artist’s bias on my Facebook page. Does questioning that make me horribly cynical, I asked? Yes, said one person who responded, and then posted what I thought was an unnecessarily snarky comment about putting the shadow of doubt on a beautiful concept.

But like I said, I’m not questioning the message. It’s media. It’s a large corporation. I work in communications, so my brain just went to wondering about their methods. So what?

I’m not saying we shouldn’t look for our own beauty. All I’m saying is that this particular video didn’t challenge me the way it challenges others.

That last photo is my challenge. My moment of truth. I took it at 5 p.m. today, right after reading that comment on my Facebook post. I’m wearing no makeup. I hadn’t had a shower and my hair was sticking out at all angles this morning so I threw a hat on my head before taking Connor to a class. There is nothing contrived about that photo – it wasn’t planned, it wasn’t edited, and it’s not how I look when I feel beautiful.

It’s just me as I looked today. I looked like this while I played with my kids, while I cleaned the kitchen, while I took my passport application in. I looked like this while I sat in Starbucks this morning with Ethan while we waited to pick Connor up.

It’s just me.

And I’m choosing to find beauty in that.

How do you find your beauty?

 

Ground Control

When was that last time you stood outside at night and looked at the stars? I did that recently and it struck me that it’s been a very long time since I’ve done that in any mindful way.

I was looking for something, but until it was time to see it I stood in the cold night air. It was crisp, but not uncomfortably cold. During those minutes the neighbourhood was quiet and all I could hear was the hum of the hunkered-down city just beyond the cul-de-sac.

I looked up and saw stars, tiny dots on the black canvas of night. I’ve only ever been able to identify a couple of constellations, but there they were. Reliable. Unchanged.

I was looking for the International Space Station, which, after a few weeks of being visible in the early morning when kids and the call of a cup of tea make it practically impossible to stand outside and look up at the sky, was going to be passing overhead. I get an email alerting me if it will be visible in my area, and that night the time worked. 8 p.m. Ethan was asleep and Rich was upstairs putting Connor to bed. The dog hadn’t made his nightly appearance from his hiding spot in the basement, so I was alone. Just me and the stars.

For a few years I fairly frequently flew back and forth between Victoria and Vancouver, the harbour planes cruising low enough that the ground was always in sight. Being above the world, even just a little, invariably put things in perspective.

I am up here. The world is down there. People are driving and boating and farming. They are living their lives just as they did yesterday and will do again tomorrow.

It always made me feel as though whatever was bugging me was perhaps not such a big deal.

That’s how I feel when I look at the stars. Doesn’t everyone? It’s hard not to feel insignificant in the face of evidence of the universe and time almost beyond measure.

Pakistan from space.

Pakistan from space. Photo credit: Col. Chris Hadfield, Canadian Space Agency

I wasn’t sure if I saw the ISS that night because I wasn’t entirely certain what I was looking for. Maybe I saw it. Maybe my timing was off by mere minutes. But I did see a couple of shooting stars and I took some time to breathe.

Do you ever just stand outside and look up at the stars?

 

P.S. If you aren’t already following along with Col. Chris Hadfield — a proud Canadian — and his life and work aboard the ISS I can’t recommend it enough. He’s there for a five-month period, and the photos he shares are nothing short of incredible. But it’s not just that. He’s knowledgeable, inclusive, poetic. His photo captions reveal a man who is not just a scientist but an artist as well. “The sea playing with the sand,” he says of the image of Pakistan above. He shares their work and the science and engineering behind it, daily life in space, and some personal information as well. You want to feel awe? He doles it out in bucketfuls. I love looking up into space, and I love knowing there’s someone looking back and me and sharing what he sees.

 

Getting My Book On

I unplugged for 24 hours over the weekend – the first time, I think, I have ever deliberately done that. March 1 was the National Day of Unplugging and when a friend wrote about it I had one of those, “I’m gonna do it!” reactions – hastily proclaimed and later regretted. When Friday evening came and it was time to shut down I was balanced directly on the point of the fencepost, wondering if I really needed to follow through while knowing that I did.

So I did and it was great and now I know why people do this all the time.

We decided Saturday called for an adventure, so we went out to a provincial park not too far from here and wandered through the trails, over bridges and streams and among trees. It was an afternoon with a lot of Instagram potential. I didn’t succumb, though I did take some pictures and posted them later that night.Bridge-Big-Hill-Springs

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately…”

I quoted Thoreau when I posted it because that’s just how I felt. It’s how I feel about a lot of things lately – I want to be deliberate about what I’m doing.

I want to take a picture because I want to frame the moment in my life, not in an edited, filtered Instagram.

I want to listen to Connor in the moment so that he knows I’m listening to him, instead of wondering later if he feels as though I don’t ever really pay attention.

I want to read something because it interests me or because it sparks a thought or because it makes me a better writer.

I took a nature hunt list with us when we went to the park, and we all happily searched for the items. Something rough, it said. Something smooth. Something green. Something you think is beautiful. I wondered what Connor would choose as something he thought was beautiful.

He chose a pine cone.

I spend too much time on Facebook and I’ve been aware of it for a while. I get up to feed Ethan at night and read Facebook. I browse while I eat breakfast. I check my news feed while Connor watches TV during the day.

It’s the thief of my time, inspiration and presence and I needed to quit.

In doing so I’ve rediscovered my love of books and the attention span needed to read them. Because that’s what I’ve decided on for March – I’m going to read. Every day. And not just two paragraphs before my eyelids close at night.

Thanks to a suggestion from Angela on my post looking for ideas for my March focus I’m going to try reading with Connor. Not reading to him, but reading with him. We read to him already – every night before bed. But I’d like to try sitting down next to him while we both read a book we’re interested in. Reading is a good thing to model, and I think he will enjoy the time together too.

So that’s my focus for March – I’m going to unplug from social media a little and plug into life a whole lot more.

reading-quote

Brainstorm: A Focus for March

It’s February 28th. I’m not sure how that happened, but there you go.

After being diligent with my 30 days of exercise in January, I’m surprised — disappointed, even — that my goal of 20 minutes of intention daily in February has been tough. I’ve definitely learned from it, and have benefitted from it in many ways, but it wasn’t something that came naturally to me. I didn’t wake up each day thinking about what it would involve.

I think for something like this to work well for me it needs to be a specific thing. I actually love the idea of focusing on something for a month, but it needs to be one thing. 20 minutes of something didn’t work that well, but 20 minutes of a specific thing would probably be great.

So that brings me to March. I’d like to do something every day in March, but I’m stuck for ideas. I have a journal that has just been looking at me, so maybe something with that? But morning pages don’t work for me (too much kid interference) and I really struggle with trying to just write, even if it’s only two pages. I need a series of prompts or something…

I’ve pondered a photography challenge, like the photo-a-day ones, but I never remember to do it.

Maybe my challenge should be to actually have a shower before noon every day.

Sigh.

Help! Ideas? Links? Brainstorm with me – I need inspiration! I’ve only got a day to figure this out.

P.S. Speaking of inspiration, my latest post on Just.Be.Enough is about a nagging feeling of boredom and the desire to explore more opportunities. Come read!