Postpartum depression Archives

Walking the TEDx Talk

September 11, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Yesterday I presented at a TEDx event – the locally-organized versions of the well-known TED conferences. I’d like to share that experience with you and have been trying to figure out how best to do that. I was inclined towards a humble description of how it went, as in:

It went really well.

It was a great experience.

It was fun, and I’m really glad to have done it.

You know what? Screw it.

Instead I will tell you this: I got up in front of a theatre full of people I don’t know – people from my local community who I might very well see on the street tomorrow – and told my story about postpartum depression and how blogging, with brutal honesty, about my breakdown not only helped me but helps others. I shared some excerpts from my posts here. I cried – not a little, a lot.

Here’s how it went: I got a standing ovation. And I am really damn proud of that.

I wasn’t sure what to expect from the event and I certainly wasn’t sure about my place in it. I was honoured and totally excited to be asked to speak, and I was less nervous than you’d think about telling my story. What I did worry about was whether people would connect with it and whether I would be able to offer something for them to take away.

The organizers were supposed to give me time cues and they chose not to, so I went, er, slightly beyond my allotted six minutes. Judging by the response, the people – including men – in the audience who were crying, and the incredibly generous comments I got afterwards, I think I can safely say I managed to get my message across.

That’s not the only reason I’m proud of how it went. I’m proud because I did it in a way that was true to who I am. I knew I was going to cry – I couldn’t figure out any way around it. And I actually didn’t worry about it. My story, and my message that it’s okay to be a little bit vulnerable, it’s okay to remove our masks and be honest about our struggles, and that, in doing so, we might actually make the world a better place – that’s an intense sort of topic. You want people to be emotionally invested in what you’re asking them to do? Make them cry.

Making people cry wasn’t my goal, obviously. Making it okay for me to cry was my goal. Because that’s what happens when we open ourselves up to people and share the stories about the hard stuff and reveal that maybe – just maybe – we’re better off for having dealt with something difficult. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable. I was never okay with that before. I am SO okay with it now.

Those of us who put our words to these pages – who tell those hard stories and reveal our tears – know there’s beauty in the breakdown. We know we’re not alone. We know we will get support and that those who don’t support us perhaps just don’t understand.

I’ve seen this countless times on other blogs. My friends’ blogs. Your blogs. I’ve seen you share stories about hard things I never would have suspected had you not written about them. I’ve seen you be bravely, beautifully honest and then, just when I think all your cards are on the table, you lay down your hand and say, “This is what life dealt me. It’s not the hand I’d have chosen, but there’s no point hiding it so I’m going to play. I’m going to stay in the game and play, and if you care to read along with me I’ll share my strategy and you’ll see that you can win even when you get dealt a bad hand.”

That’s why I believe bringing together writing and technology is more than “blogging” and think those who dismiss what we do here underestimate the power of this art. This art has the power to break down barriers and borders. It has the power to make life better. It has the power to make lives better.

You know it, and I know it.

And I think it’s an idea worth spreading.

[Update: The video of my talk is now available.]

This is our very last week to make an impact for Be Enough Me 4 Cancer. Last week we had 45 people link up an enough-themed post in our Be Enough Me for Cancer campaign and I’d love it if you’d help us boost that number again. For every 20 linked up posts, Bellflower Books will provide a memory book to a woman fighting breast cancer through Crickett’s Answer for Cancer, and help bring a smile to courageous women giving it their all, every single day. The link-up remains open for three days. No blog? No worries. You can also comment on the post or on the Just.Be.Enough. Facebook page with your own story and be counted.

Filed Under: Be enough me, Better world, Happy things, Hello, Inspiration, Postpartum depression, Writing · Tagged With: admissions, Be enough me, blogging, community, firsts, going public, gratitude, hope, Life list, living life, love, mask, perspective, telling the truth, we're not alone

Hope in a Phone Call at PPD to Joy

September 9, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

One evening in August I finished dinner, found something to entertain my son for a while, and picked up the phone. I dialled in to the PPD SpeakEasy, not knowing who would be on the line but knowing it would be largely women I had never met and (mostly) never will. And it was one of the best, most loving, most supportive conversations I’ve had.

I’m sharing the rest of that experience (and this post) on PPD to Joy today. Please come and visit!

Yael Saar lost her mother to postpartum depression when she was 6. Years later, when she had kids, Yael struggled with PPD and almost followed in her mother’s footsteps. She survived her suicide attempt and went on to become a silly-side-up mama on a mission: to disarm postpartum depression and anxiety by removing guilt and shame from parenting. Yael served as a national suicide prevention hotline volunteer before she started sharing her story (with coping skills on top) at www.ppdtojoy.com. She is @yaelsaar on Twitter and you can also find her on Facebook.

Yael hosts a monthly ppd support phone chat called the PPD SpeakEasy. It is free, confidential, and loving. This chat happens on the 2nd Tuesday of each month at 8:30pm Eastern. In September, to celebrate her birthday, Yael will be holding 3 SpeakEasy chats. Mark your calendar: in addition to the usual 2nd Tuesday evening call (Sept.13 at 8:30 pm) extra chats will be held on Sunday September 18 at 2:00pm, and Tuesday September 27 at noon (all times are Eastern). The intention is to cater to the needs of mothers with varying lifestyles and time-zones.

For more info and sign up for the call visit Yael’s SpeakEasy page.

Filed Under: Better world, Happy things, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: call for back-up, community, hope, spreading the love, we're not alone

Badges and Black Holes: The Gifts of PPD

September 5, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

A couple of weeks ago I quietly changed the badge in my sidebar. If you scroll down you’ll see my warrior mom badge on the right, which used to say, “I’m surviving postpartum depression. You can too.”

No more. Now it says, “I survived.”

I waited a while to make that change, even though I wanted to swap my badge out as soon as I felt remotely normal. But I’ve previously thought I’d kicked PPD to the curb and it turned out that (really) wasn’t the case. Call it prudence, call it superstition – whatever it was, I wasn’t prepared to jinx things by updating that badge too soon.

I’m now ready to declare this battle won. Not that I don’t still have tough times; thanks to my fellow warrior moms I know it’s not that simple. I know sometimes I’ll get smacked down and have to get myself back up again, and that’s okay. The beauty in all this is that I know it now, so I’m prepared for it. And I consider that knowledge a gift. Jackson Pollock | Composition

I didn’t understand the value of being able to identify my emotions until quite recently. I’ve always been an emotional person but looking back I see my emotions as Pollock-esque splatters of paint thrown on the canvas of life, an expression of something perhaps not everyone understood.

Now I’m creating my art – my life – in a different way. The outcome is less a splatter and more a rainbow, with different lines of the arc of my life representing different pursuits that come together in a much more brilliant – and recognizable – whole. (Make no mistake, though. I will never be the sort of person who colours inside the lines.)

I know there will be some dark and cloudy days but now I can identify them and, as with a weather forecast, know they will be temporary.

The one bit of darkness that stubbornly refuses to disappear is what I call black holes. My experience with postpartum depression has left me with gaps in my memory. As previously noted, when my husband said, “I was in an abusive relationship for a year” I didn’t have any idea what he was talking about. Even still, I have absolutely no recollection of how I treated him during that time.

C’est la vie. I can – will have to – deal with it. He has. We have, together. It is what it is and remembering wouldn’t change it.

What I do find disconcerting is these black holes popping up in my day-to-day. In the Before, I was organized and could keep everything in my head – my appointments, my to-do list, my grocery list. Now I have a calendar AND a task list AND reminders set for everything I’m supposed to do. If I don’t create those reminders – and, sadly, sometimes I forget to do that too – I don’t remember. Even with a list I go to the grocery store and often come home without toilet paper.

And don’t even get me started on my sense of direction. I never had much of one to start with, and now I’m easily getting lost twice a week. In my own city. Thank goodness I’m able to laugh at myself.

All I can say is I sincerely hope these black holes are temporary. If not, I suppose I can always become an emotionally unstable painter and hope some people will consider me a genius.

***

Speaking of postpartum depression and remembering things (or not remembering them, as the case may be), I’ve got a guest post up at The Koala Bear Writer today. I met Bonnie at a local writers’ workshop and she kindly asked me to share some information about PPD on her site. I’m happy to be over there today sharing what I think people should know about PPD (based on my experience, anyway). I’d love it if you’d come and visit, and while you’re there please say hi!

Filed Under: Postpartum depression · Tagged With: admissions, perspective, rage

This I Believe – Guest Post By Yael Saar

August 30, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

I am absolutely, joyfully, dancing-ly happy to have Yael here today sharing this amazing post. She added this as a page on her blog, PPD to Joy, not long ago and I just ate it up. I’m excited to share it here today because I think you’ll be able to relate.

This post is about postpartum depression, and about motherhood. But it’s also about relationships and hard days and things that suck. So it doesn’t matter if you’re not a mom or haven’t suffered through PPD – I still think this will speak to you. My suggestion: find a quiet spot, wherever and however you can, and read this. Really read it. Allow it to sink into your brain. I bet your breathing will be deeper and your shoulders lower when you finish.

***

Love is a renewable resource, a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The more you love, the more you love.

This can be hard to feel, and even harder to believe.
Love is magic.
It works regardless of whether you can feel it.
Regardless of whether you believe in it or not.

Being kind is underrated.
Being right is overrated.
When in doubt, choose kindness.
Especially to yourself.

(Go slow and you’ll get there faster. Baby steps will take you farthest.)

About Motherhood

Motherhood is the hardest job on the planet.
Even if you’ve climbed Mt. Everest, you know kids can challenge you more than the tallest peaks.
Miraculously, unbelievably, (thankfully) this is, somehow, all worth it.
But why does this have to be so hard?

My kids are the best kids ever. And so are yours.
The fact that they can drive us crazy is beside the point.

Kids, especially toddlers, are physicists and social scientists.
They test the limits of gravity, safety, and patience.
They yank our chains for a living.
This ain’t easy on the mom.

Yelling at children is unavoidable.
Striving to yell less is important, learning grump-management is helpful, but let’s not kid ourselves, raising our voices at our loved ones is not about to go extinct.
Giving ourselves permission to yell when we are at the end of our rope just might keep yelling from turning into screaming.

Hugs are more important than food.
If we hug our kids more often than we yell at them, all of us will turn out all right.

(Baby steps will take you farthest.)

About Postpartum Mood Disorders

You are not broken.
You are not damaged.
You are struggling.
Every struggle is an opportunity for growth.

You don’t have to like this to survive this.
You don’t have to like this to learn and grow from this.
This sucks, so of course you don’t like this.
You have a right to be angry. How could you not be?
You have a right to be scared.

When you allow your anger and fear to be heard, they cannot rule you.
Interacting with them gives you power in situations you don’t have power over. Running away from your emotions means you can never rest.

If you fight your anger tooth and nail, it will turn into rage and guilt.
If you fear your fear, it will turn into anxiety and panic.
Fighting your emotions only feeds your demons.

Healing cannot happen in a war zone.
Permission-Based Healing is far more effective.

You are not lazy.
You are exhausted.
So is your partner.

Until you get enough sleep, try to respect your capacity, or lack thereof.
Accepting that being grumpy is unavoidable helps.
It is possible to be grumpy without being mean.
Yes, this is hard.

Trust turns caves into tunnels.
When you can’t find the light at the end of your tunnel, dare to ask someone to light a candle and hold your hand.

Asking for help is hard. Very hard. And scary.
And it is the first step to recovery.
If you only learn one thing from having to deal with this darn mood disorder, let it be how to ask for help effectively.
No, you will not be good at this right away. And that’s OK.

(Baby steps will take you farthest.)

About the Role of Community in Recovery:

Community is my favorite word.
I wouldn’t be alive without my family and my community.

Every single person has skeletons in their closet.
Well, these things only look like skeletons, because it’s so dark in there.
When we dare to bring them out into the light, we discover that the skeletons are simply our very human, very scared selves.
Inviting our scared selves out to play can be petrifying.
Sharing our scary stories with others creates community while connecting all of us on the deepest level.
In my experience such trust is always rewarded handsomely.

This is how we trust in the healing power of community.
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and human, we allow others to do the same. And we all get stronger together.

Words build community.
When fighting doesn’t bring peace, writing does.
I believe every one of us is capable of writing for healing.
Not ready to write yet?
Read. Speak. Cry. Sing…

(Baby steps will take you farthest.)

***

See? Is that not one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever read? In one post she manages to address all kinds of things that have lurked in the shadows for me.

One of the links above, to Yael’s Permission-Based Healing page, is another new resource on her site. I’ve talked to a lot of people about accepting whatever threatens to overwhelm you – anxiety, rage, grief, whatever it is – and letting it in. Most say I can’t. I’m scared to. I’m afraid if I do I will sink. I know. I was too. I did too. But this approach is the thing that finally allowed me to get better, and one of the people I have to thank for that is Yael. She knows, because she’s been there too. Have a look at that page and let Yael know what you think. (But be gentle with her, she asks – it’s a subject close to her heart.)

Yael is also the one behind the PPD SpeakEasy support calls. When I first heard about these I told Yael (before I really knew her) that I couldn’t really imagine talking to strangers on the phone about my struggle with PPD. I got over it and joined in (I’ve even hosted) and in an upcoming post I’ll tell you about the last call, because it really was a very cool experience. (And if you have a site where you share PPD resources, consider posting Yael’s badge? Pretty please?)

Thank you, Yael, for all you do for our community. We love you for it.

Filed Under: Better world, Guest posts, Hard things, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: community, gratitude, perspective, rage, we're not alone

On the Move: Being a Theta Mom

August 26, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Yes, I’m elsewhere again today, trying on a different hat. Yesterday I was scary, which was really fun, and I appreciate all the kudos for writing honestly about how hard it is to have a newborn.

If you’ve been around here before, you’ll know I’m all about telling it like it is.

If you’re new here, well, I’ll just send you right to the really hard stuff as an example of just how honest I’m willing to be. (And also, hi! Welcome.)

Yes, being a mom is great. But sometimes it also sucks. I figure we should be able to talk about that.

Heather created her site to be about the real deal when it comes to talking about motherhood, and my reaction when I first found her was, “Sign me up!”