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Blissdom Travel in Pictures

February 28, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

My one-line review of Blissdom: I didn’t love it.

I enjoyed it, mostly, but I didn’t come away feeling totally inspired the way I did after BlogHer last year. Judging by the tweets on the #Blissdom hash tag, I was one of the few who felt that way.

I think it was a combination of things – it turned out to be a bad time to travel for all sorts of reasons, which made it hard to enjoy the conference. But I didn’t love the speakers. And I just didn’t get the same vibe. Maybe that’s the difference between an event with 700 people and one with 4,000. Or maybe it’s because I went into BlogHer totally ready to be fired up and feeling alive because of what I was doing in this space at the time, which I don’t feel at all right now. In any case, I’m glad I went but I’m not sure it will be on my list for next year.

Things I did love:

Rooming with Mama Track and Baby Track. Natalie was awesome and that baby is just so unbelievably, squishily cute. I could hardly stand it.
Meeting some bloggers I really wanted to meet. Angela was an absolute dream and someone I’m really glad I got a chance to meet. Mary Lauren was awesome – way more outgoing than I expected from her blog and we had a great time talking (and wondering why the heck Joe Jonas was performing at an event full of women in their 30s and 40s) at the party on the first night. I met lots of others too – Dana, Kimberly, Carri, Doc G, Amber, Greta, Shell, and was really, really glad to see Jessica and Frelle and Katherine and Shannon again. I didn’t spend nearly enough time talking to some of them, but it was great to see those faces and get hugs again.
The hotel. Just, wow. It’s incredible. Seriously – check out their photo gallery.

One thing I didn’t do is take pictures of people or the hotel, both of which I intended to do. But I did take pictures from the air on the flight down. (I know, I’m a travel geek.)

So I’ll leave you with these, which are better than whatever words I have right now.

Heading out – Alberta from the air

Over the border. I see blue!

Utah red

The Grand Canyon

Landing in Phoenix

After that I lost my window seat, but I did make it down to Nashville.

Opening morning of Blissdom

One shot from inside the hotel

And that’s all, folks.

Filed Under: Photos · Tagged With: blogging, community, photos, travel

Blissdom Bound

February 22, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

I’m all set. Packed. As ready as I’m ever going to be. (Which is not very, but I’m all about winging things these days.)

A few months ago I bought a ticket to Blissdom. This is a conference I’ve known of for a while and I always thought it sounded like a fun one to go to, especially because of the name. Bliss? Count me in.

But then I realized a bunch of my blog friends—some I have already met and love dearly and some I’m dying to hug—will be there, and I jumped. A big motivating factor is that Natalie (aka Mama Track) is going to be there with her new baby girl (aka Baby Track). And Jessica and Angela are trying to fight me for who gets to hold Baby Track first. (I’m going to win.) And Kimberly and her pregnant belly are going to be there. And there are so many others.

So I bought a ticket and hoped it would work out. And then of course we moved and I got a new job and I started to wonder if perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. But my new boss is great and doesn’t seem to care that the newest member of the team is taking a couple of days off and my husband doesn’t seem to mind that I’m ditching him, so here I go.

This feels much different than when I was leaving for BlogHer last year. I’m still excited, but less nervous. It feels less life-altering, though it could be equally so. Mostly I’m just tired and dreading the travel, just a little bit.

But I’m going anyway, for how else to pursue the life I want than to take the opportunities that come my way? I just ask that if you spot a sleeping blogger in the Phoenix airport that you give her a nudge and send her on her way to Nashville.

While I’m travelling on Thursday, I leave you with a post at Just.Be.Enough. It’s about being a working mom with a stay-at-home-dad husband, an arrangement I’m grateful for, but one that has included some unexpected perspective on what that means for my own mom identity. Please come and visit!

Filed Under: Happy things, Hello, Inspiration · Tagged With: blogging, community, firsts, gratitude, living life, travel

Waving the White Flag

January 12, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

Image credit: Neil Wykes on Flickr

I’ve given up. Given in. Surrendered.

At the end of December I saw the info about January’s National Blog Posting Month, in which the goal is to post every day for the month. Like the impulsive git I am, I signed up.

I immediately knew it was dumb. That this, of all times, isn’t the right time for me to be able to do that. But I saw a comment from someone who had done this previously, and she indicated she’d found it really helped her writing. Like the glutton for punishment I am, I thought that sounded great.

The thing is, it was great. Even though I only lasted 10 days (9? not long anyway) I actually really liked it. It did help me think about writing in different ways and I enjoyed the challenge. But the other night I called it quits. I admitted what I had known was coming, took a deep breath and packed it in.

Life is a little easier now, and I feel less like my head is going to explode every night. I’m going to bed at a decent time and getting up earlier to have extra cuddles and cartoons or to go to the gym in the morning.

But I’ve lost momentum, and my writing mojo. I no longer know what to say. I’ll find my groove again, I’m sure, and go back to posting a reasonable amount and focusing on what I really want to share.

But for now I’m waving the white flag.

Filed Under: Randomness, Writing · Tagged With: admissions, blogging, perspective

One Year Later

January 1, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

It feels as though the post on my one-year anniversary of blogging ought to be profound. I started off trying to write something like that, but it’s not working and will be relegated to another post, another day.

New Year’s Day usually feels quiet to me. A calm before the bustle of January, when the it’s-the-holidays excuses for being lazy or skipping out early no longer work. That’s what January 1, 2011 felt like to me.

I have a vivid mental picture of that day, which I don’t have for most New Year’s Days (tending, as they do, to all blur together). I had spent New Year’s Eve 2010 in the usual fashion—with Chinese food followed by blissful nothingness—with one critical difference. That last night of 2010 I sat on the floor of our living room, in front of the fire, and set up a blog in WordPress.

It was totally unplanned. I had been thinking about writing about my experience with motherhood, but I hadn’t really thought about it being so specifically about PPD and I really hadn’t thought about getting into blogging. And yet there I was with wordpress.com on the screen in front of me and before I knew it this blog was born.

It was a short time later that I became Farewell Stranger, but at that time I was simply MamaRobinJ. I had a basic blog and a Twitter account (because I didn’t want to use my professional Twitter persona for this very personal project) and I decided I was going to do it. And then I went to bed.

The next day, during the quietness that was January 1, 2011, I got a direct message on my other Twitter account from my boss. “MamaRobinJ is a great idea,” he said. And my heart exploded in holy-shit-fuelled adrenaline.

That was the start of what became a slow progression towards having it be okay to talk about this. I would say a year later I’m 95% there – it’s still not something I bring up early on when I meet new people, and the people at my new job don’t know this about me yet (unless they’ve Googled me, in which case hi!). But it’s no longer an oh-God-please-don’t-find-my-blog sort of thing.

For I guess that’s the beauty of blogging, isn’t it? It can be whatever we want. If we want to be anonymous, we can. If we want to use it to say, “This is who I really am. This is my experience. Do you still love me?” we can.

One year later, this is who I really am. And not because I hid who I was, but because this blog, and those of you who have been with me during the last year, have allowed the protective shell I placed around myself to crack and let the light in.

One year later, this is who I really am. Because you still love me.

Image credit: ms.Tea on Flickr

So today, on this New Year’s Day that feels not quiet but alive with possibility, I wish to say thank you. Thank you for this last year. Thank you for loving me.

Have a cupcake.

Filed Under: Happy things, Love letters, Motherhood, Postpartum depression, Writing · Tagged With: blogging, community, firsts, gratitude, perspective, spreading the love, we're not alone

Farewell to 2011 in Photos: Link-up

December 26, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Christmas is over and a new year is nearing. As much as I love Christmas, I also really love this time of year when the holiday madness is over and the week-between lull starts. The end-of-year lists and retrospectives appear, offering a chance to remember what was and think about what will be before normal life resumes and the daily what-is takes over.

So let’s do some retrospecting, shall we?

Pick a picture (or a couple, if you wish) for each month of the year, post, and link up with me to say farewell to 2011 in photos. (You can focus on the photography or the memories – up to you.)

One winner will be randomly chosen from those who link up to receive a complimentary registration in the Brave Girls Club’s Soul Restoration I class.

January

This is the only photo I’m including that’s not mine (credit underactive on Flickr) but it’s what best represents January to me. January 2011 is when I started this blog and shortly after that I started using this image in my header. I’ve had 2 other designs since, but this one is still “my” image. It remains my wallpaper on my laptop and I’m still getting gifts inspired by this image. I love it, and it will always represent this blog and what it has come to mean to me.

February

I took this photo as we were preparing to take off for Toronto from my hometown, which doesn’t get a lot of snow so de-icing is a rare requirement. This picture is not about the snow, though. It’s about the trip, and not because it was memorable but because it wasn’t. In thinking about February I knew I had travelled for work but I couldn’t remember where I’d gone. And even now, I barely remember that trip, except that I forgot to pack underwear. It was the start of my realizing something within me had fundamentally changed over the last couple of years, and not in a good way.

March

The happenings in March—including this visit to the antenatal assessment unit—were the precursor to what happened next and what my year has become. On the current path of my life this yellow hallway was the start line. It was where I went to see the psychiatrist who put me on the medication that almost killed me (and that, incidentally, also probably saved my life). I will never, ever forget this hallway.

April

In April I plummeted. Crashed and burned. And this room is where I ended up. No, not a psych ward, but the guest room of a friend’s place. She was out of town and kindly offered me a sanctuary when I badly needed to run and hide. At the beginning of a 4 1/2 month leave from work I spent a few days here, awake late into the nights before finally taking a shrink-prescribed pill that knocked me out completely for at least 12 hours. When I think of the me who spent time in this room I barely recognize her. This grainy picture from my BlackBerry isn’t one I’ve published before, but I took it because I wanted to remember this room. When I look at this picture now all I feel is unending gratitude for that time and space and my friend’s generosity.

May

By May I had scraped myself up off the floor and was riding a yo-yo. Yearning to be better but mostly bouncing between desperate depression and feeling nothing. I walked. A lot. On the day I took this picture I decided it was time to start looking at what was around me again.

June

June was the start of the road that let me where I am now, though I didn’t know it at the time. “We could move to Alberta,” my husband said, and shortly after that we went to Calgary for my sister’s graduation. This picture was taken at the Calgary Zoo and I remember enjoying the visit while one question reverberated around my brain: “Am I ever going to feel better?” And yet, at the same time, I started to really see myself again.

July

In July I had had enough. Enough of being on leave from work, enough of being drugged all the time and enough of feeling like a mental patient. I started to explore going back to work, but my psychiatrist wasn’t so keen. I was annoyed at the time but when I look at this picture I remember that she was right. My husband took Connor out one day so I could have some quiet time alone in the house. It was badly needed, but when he sent me this picture all I could think was that I should be there with them. But at that point early in the month I just couldn’t. When I look at this picture I think about how I missed out on so much time with my son. Not just months, but years.

August

By August I had taken a stand. I fired my psychiatrist, weaned myself off the sedating anti-anxiety medication (note: don’t try that at home – much better to have a doctor’s advice and know what you’re getting in to), and scheduled my return to work. But first I went to BlogHer ’11. It was totally amazing – incredible and life-changing.

I got myself back.

(Clockwise: Lizz, Galit, Natalie, me, Jessica, Mad Woman at BlogHer in San Diego)

September

In September I turned the focus back on others and streaked my hair blue in support of suicide prevention (and my friend Cristi, who is tireless in her efforts to raise awareness). In the end, there were many #bluebloggers who did this, including my mother.

But that’s not all! September was so monumental it deserves two photos. This is my baby on his first day of preschool. I just love this kid.

October

In October we did it – after a month of prep work we put our house up for sale so we could move to Calgary. It sold in less than two weeks and we haven’t looked back.

November

In November we made a quick trek here, bought a house in one day and moved into it less than a month later. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing, right?. (Smart cookie, that Helen Keller was.)

December

And here we are at the end of the year, living in snow and sunshine. Our whole world has shifted and we couldn’t be happier about it.

As I sit here now, late on the evening of Christmas Day, I will admit to looking back at this year with some emotion. I’m aware every day, around every turn and with every breath of crisp winter air, that life is different. That I am different. That I’m not where I thought I would be. But it’s been a while since I really looked back at where I was.

2011 was hard. Gut-wrenching, tear-stained, and really, really hard. But ultimately oh so good. As we finish out this year I’m so, so grateful and unbelievably excited about what 2012 will bring.

What about you?