Passing On Pink

June 5, 2012 by ·

Somewhere deep in our basement, in a box that’s still packed, is a small book. It’s pink, mostly, with an angelic baby face on the front. It’s about baby girls.

I bought this book when I was in my last year of high school. Some friends and I had gone to Vancouver to shop for grad dresses and I came across this book in a shop. I’m not sure what possessed my 17-year-old self to buy it, but I did, because I always assumed I’d have a girl and wanted to start soaking it in then and there.

I found that book again when we were packing to move last fall, and I paused for a moment when I saw it again. A short moment of regret ringed by a sliver of hope. At that point, Connor had been talking about his baby sister for months – before I was pregnant, before we had really started trying, and certainly before we had talked to him about the idea of a sibling. He brought it up unprompted and spoke of her as though she existed. “My baby sister.” He was so sure.

I was pretty sure too, because I always thought I’d have a girl. Not because I wanted a girl, but that’s just what I saw myself with. She felt like a real presence to me. I even wrote her a letter.

I was so sure.

When we found out Connor was a boy, I had a little cry. I couldn’t imagine myself with a boy, which is why we decided to find out at the ultrasound. I figured then that if we were having a boy I’d rather have time to adjust to the idea. Which was a good thing, and I did adjust. And then, of course, when he was born he was mine. He was so clearly the baby we were meant to have that I didn’t even think anything of it anymore.

And now here we are with number two.

I had sworn I wasn’t going to find out whether this one is a boy or a girl. I wanted a surprise. I wanted something to be “traditional” about the birth in case I end up with another c-section. I wanted something to be what I imagined this time and figured a delivery-room announcement of “It’s a… ” would do the trick.

But Connor was so sure “his baby” was a girl. He had my mom convinced. He had my sister convinced. He had me convinced.

And I worried that a delivery-room announcement of “It’s a boy!” would lead to a never-intended and always-regretted moment of disappointment.

So in the end I caved. We found out, in spite of the fiasco of not having the information provided to us as promised. (The universe didn’t take my husband’s determination into account when deciding to mess with us.)

So it won’t be a delivery-room announcement, and we won’t be keeping it a surprise. Instead, I will announce it here:

It’s a boy. 

I know this child is just as much meant to be ours as Connor is. I know he will be a great big brother to his little brother. I know there are so, so many good things about this.

But just for a little bit, I’m going to grieve a baby girl I carry in my heart and thought would be in my life but who apparently doesn’t exist.

Filed Under: Hard things, Motherhood, Pregnancy · Tagged With: , , ,

Pride in the Name of Doing It All Again

March 18, 2012 by ·

A few days ago I read a post by my friend Jenn. She wrote about how being a mom with depression can sometimes suck and when I saw the title of her post I thought, You bet it does. And it does, there’s no doubt about it. But Jenn’s post was actually about more than that.

…this post is not about parenting with depression it is about parenting after getting help for it. You see, there are still days that I can feel the effects of my depression on my parenting.

Oh lady, I so know what you mean.

As I sit here, nauseated and with a burgeoning belly, I think back to my last pregnancy. I remember thinking how amazing it was going to be to have a child and what a wonderful mother I would be. I thought about soft blankets and small toes and a warm baby asleep on my chest. I thought about how romantic it would be to get up with a tiny baby in the stillness of the night.

I thought, in other words, about all the things most about-to-be-mothers think about. What I did not think about, however, was how it might not be like that and how I would not be able to control how I responded to all that hard.

I did not think about how I actually don’t always get to choose the kind of mother I want to be.

Like Jenn said, I feel as though my experience with PPD has forever altered the type of mom I am.

I thought I would spend time dreaming up activities to do with my kids instead of being scared to plan something only to have it go sideways and not be able to cope with that.

I thought I’d be attentive to their nutritional needs, always ensuring they got a wide variety of things to eat, not making Kraft Dinner with ketchup on the side because it’s the only thing I have the energy to make.

I thought I’d be good at playing and didn’t expect to be left with a post-PPD desire for me time that kicks and flails and insists on being acknowledged to the detriment of “good mother” priorities.

However… that’s all just for context and not really what this post is about. I’ve been doing okay (better, anyway) in some areas so today I figured I’d link up with Charity for her Mother’s Pride Blog Carnival and acknowledge some of the things I think are going well. Or better than before, anyway.

I’ve been doing bath time without feeling like it’s a major energy suck and something I have to work up to doing.

I’ve been doing better at redirecting behaviour like yelling or throwing things without feeling like I’m going to snap.

I’m a little better at playing. Sometimes.

I’m pretty good at doing countdowns so we can eat lunch/leave an activity/get to bed without any meltdowns.

I’m better at asking for help.

And while I’m on the subject of pride, I’m very proud of my son for adapting well to his new school and for his insatiable curiosity and inspiring confidence when it comes to Lego, and very proud of my husband for picking up the slack while I focus on not puking everywhere.

So that’s what I’m proud of, even though I’m not the mom I thought I was going to be. But is any of us? Are you?

 

mothers-pride-button

Filed Under: Be enough me, Hard things, Motherhood, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: , , ,

A Serving of Working Mom Guilt, Please

January 23, 2012 by ·

I’m struggling tonight.

I’ve started a new job, which I love, but I’m playing the Working Mom Guilt Game, which I hate. And tonight I lost.

Last night, after a fun and busy weekend, I stood at the kitchen counter to make my lunch for today. Connor came over and asked me what I was doing. “Making my lunch,” I said. “Why?” he asked. “Because I have to go to work tomorrow.”

And then came the face.

“I thought you didn’t have to go to work every day.”

I hate that face.

We’ve had this conversation several times in the last couple of weeks. He wants me to play with him in the morning or sit with him while he eats his breakfast. I want to do that too. I love mornings with him. It’s quiet, I’m not thinking about all the things I have to get done, and it’s just me and him. But weekday mornings are too short, and more often than not lately he isn’t even up when I leave for work, which steals at least half an hour I’d otherwise get to spend with him. When he is up I inevitably get, “Do you have to go to work today? [sad face]” So as we approach weekends I get to do the “Guess what?!” thing and tell him I don’t have to work. We talk about the things we’re going to do and he gets that excited, I-get-my-mama face.

I love that face.

What I don’t love is the other end of the day when I come home after a day—preceded too often by too little sleep—from a new job that makes my brain tired. When I have spent all day in an office full of people, talking and laughing and working and learning, and my inner introvert just wants to sit in my quiet bedroom by myself for a while.

3-year-olds don’t let you sit in your bedroom by yourself for any length of time. At least mine doesn’t.

So I come home after working to a little guy who wants his mom to play with him, which, as the last thing I feel like doing, induces massive guilt.

Working Mom Guilt.

I’m not here when I want to be and when I am here I spend too much time wanting something else. It sucks.

dinosaur-at-the-zoo

This is what I missed while I was at work today.

This is especially tough right now because I’m working a slightly longer day than I used to and I work farther away, both of which slice into my momming time. And he’s going to bed later, which slices into my me time.

Nobody’s winning here, people. (And don’t even get me started on all the blog reading and commenting I’m not doing.)

Maybe I’ll get used to it. Maybe we all will. Maybe we won’t. In any case, tonight my working mom guilt came with a side order of the Monday tireds and some irrational, the-toddler-is-chewing-too-loud annoyance and I had to leave the room to take a deep breath.

My mama mug spilleth over, and I don’t know what to do about it.

 

Filed Under: Conversations with Connor, Hard things, Motherhood · Tagged With: , , , ,

To Make an End is to Make a Beginning

December 30, 2011 by ·

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.”

~T.S. Eliot

2011-2012-wave

Happy New Year. Wishing you all good things in 2012.

Thank you for being with me this year.

R xo

Filed Under: Better world, Happy things · Tagged With: , ,

On the Road to Wisdom

November 27, 2011 by ·

Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself.
~ Khalil Gibran

At the beginning of this year I did two things: I started this blog and I joined a One Little Word class. I thought I’d write here a bit and see where it went, and here I am almost a year later, fully immersed. I thought I’d dive right into the One Little Word class and do all the exercises, and almost a year later I haven’t done many of them but my word is fully immersed in my life.

I had a tough time choosing the word, and was skeptical about the common “the word will choose you” reassurance. Initially I thought I’d choose “improve” as my word because that’s what I wanted to do in many areas of my life. But thinking that was a good word was really a symptom of my problem, and luckily I came to my senses and realized that was too self-critically negative.

And then my word chose me.

I don’t remember how it happened. It just came to me one day, I think, and that was that. I didn’t know what it meant at the time, but I do now.

Seek.

verb, sought, seek·ing.

–verb (used with object)

1. to go in search or quest of: to seek the truth.

2. to try to find or discover by searching or questioning: to seek the solution to a problem.

3. to try to obtain: to seek fame.

4. to try or attempt (usually fol. by an infinitive): to seek to convince a person.

5. to go to: to seek a place to rest.

6. to ask for; request: to seek advice.

7. Archaic: to search or explore.

For too long I was too proud to weep (figuratively, anyway, or at least in public) and too grave to laugh. I lost sight of what was important.

Actually, I don’t think I knew what was important.

I do now. In part, at least. I was seeking something I didn’t know was lost, and now I’ve started to find my way back to it.

I was seeking myself.

This search (journey? quest?) has led me places I would not have anticipated a year ago, and now a new stage is beginning.

A new home.

A new place.

A new start.

I look forward to where seeking wisdom will take me, and what part of myself I will find on the way there.

Seek wisdom
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The Just.Be.Enough team is so thankful to have been partnering with Striiv on our Striiv 2 Be Enough month-long challenge. Now it is our turn to give back to one of you! Enter to win a chance to own your very own Striiv fitness device just by linking up an “I am striving for” post on Just.Be.Enough this week.

A winner will be chosen among the linked posts (remember that the linky closes on Wednesday 11/30 at 11:59 pm EST) using random.org on Thursday (12/1) morning. The winner will be notified by email and will have 24 hours to reply with a mailing address and telephone number or another winner will be selected.

To be entered:

  • Link an “I am Striving for” Be Enough Me post in the linky, AND
  • Comment on the JBE post to let us know that you would like to win your OWN Striiv.

—–

And don’t forget about our first EVER Twitter party!

We are so excited to host a “Striiv to Be Enough” event where we’ll be discussing getting moving and putting ourselves first as we strive to live healthy lives full of movement.

Plus, we’re offering amazing prizes that you will NOT want to miss! You must RSVP and be present during most of the event to be eligible to win prizes.

When: Tuesday, November 29th, 8-9 pm EST/5-6 pm PST
Where: On Twitter!
Follow: @JustBeEnough and hashtag #Striiv2BEnough

RSVP here

Filed Under: Be enough me, Hello, Inspiration · Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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