The Blogger’s Manifesto

There have been a lot of posts lately about burnout. Bloggy burnout.

Alison wrote about doing less as a result of running out of fuel.

Kim wrote about finding balance in unplugging.

Jessica wrote about blogging less and breathing more.

And probably lots of others. (Have you written about it? Fire a link at me.)

We all go through that at times. Some scale back and worry it will mean they won’t be The Next Big Thing. Others scale back and find they write better and enjoy blogging more when it’s not such a big part of their day-to-day. And some, of course, quit altogether.

I haven’t found the secret or the magic balance. Lord knows I blab blog too much. After my relatively brief time here, however, I have developed a philosophy. And thus I present to you The Blogger’s Manifesto:

Blogger's manifesto

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On the Move: Guest Posting at The Mommy Matters

A lot of things about my life aren’t as expected after my experience with PPD, as shared (in abundant detail) here. One of the things I didn’t bank on was the effect PPD would have on the spacing of my kids.

I’m sharing my thoughts on that in a guest post on The Mommy Matters today. I can’t even remember how I first met Courtney, but I’m very glad I did. She’s an absolutely beautiful person and a great writer. She’s one of those honest types I cherish. Her photography is amazing. As in I-almost-don’t-want-to-look-at-it-because-it-makes-me-feel-inadequate amazing. But I overlook that because she also does amazing design work and offered a blog design giveaway, which I won! Whee! (I’m WAY excited about that.)

Anyway, this isn’t about my artistic inadequacy. It’s about Courtney being a wonderful host. She’s started a new series called Feature Friday and has invited me to kick it off. I’m incredibly flattered and have shared a post that is very close to my heart. Please come and read.

Comments off here today. Come and talk to me at The Mommy Matters!

Back To Life, Back To Reality

Truthbomb: This transition is tough.

Overall things are great, but I’m at the point of desperately hoping it stays that way. After being on sick leave for 4 1/2 months, I went back to work on August 15, starting part time and gradually increasing hours. The first week was fine. I worked Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings and felt really silly leaving at noon. Same schedule the second week, same “it’s fine” feeling, except by Wednesday night I was wickedly cranky. Normally I would have ignored it – chalked it up to a bad day or PMS or something – but I know not to do that now. So I put on my sleuthing hat (with thanks to Yael for this technique) and started examining what was going on.

I knew returning to work was going to be challenging in some ways. I have less time with my boys and more time with bureaucracy. (In case you can’t tell this about me, I’m not good with bureaucracy.) I miss my boys. I also have less time to write and less time to read. I miss all of you.

I knew going in those things would be my reality. What I didn’t anticipate: Missing down time at the end of the day. I haven’t been going home at the end of the morning because Connor still naps and I don’t want a barking dog to wake him up, so I’ve been going to Starbucks or the library or the gym for a bit instead. But Connor is used to having me around, so of course when I do get home he wants me to play with him. I thought I would want to do that. I really did. But sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I just want time to catch up on blog reading. (Oh hi, guilt! How I’ve missed you…) And if I don’t play with him RIGHT AWAY, he starts with the undesirable attention-getting behaviour, like hitting me or running full speed at me and body checking me. (Speaking of cranky…)

It doesn’t help that it’s taking me well over an hour to get him to go to bed at night. The constant escorting him back to his bed is getting really old, especially since standing sentry outside his room means I’m not getting anything else done, like tidying, making my lunch, or anything else that’s generally good for my mental health.

What I also (stupidly) didn’t anticipate: Connor missing me because I’m not around as much. When I was getting dressed on Monday morning he asked me where I was going. When I told him I was going to work, the lip came out, started to tremble, and then caught his salty tears as they rolled down his cheeks. (Oh hi, working mother guilt! I’d forgotten how much of a bitch you can be.)

So instead of reading and writing and playing with my son on and off throughout the day, which was lovely (in the last part of my leave, anyway, once I got over that whole wanting-to-die thing), I’m at work. Work is work and, as I said when I first returned, it’s okay for it to be just a job.

In theory, anyway.

We all have things we don’t like about our jobs and even though I’ve loved mine for years there are things that annoy me. Of course there are. And it doesn’t surprise me that those things are annoying me more right now after some time away.

Anyway, it’s making me cranky.

Or maybe it’s just – as my sister pointed out – that I feel my superpowers are needed elsewhere. (Anyone want to hire me to write about the reality of motherhood and how to find inspiration after life has kicked you to the ground? I can be whatever you want – serious, poignant, funny, you name it. I can only draw stick figures but I’m willing to do that to add visual appeal to the material.)

None of this is meant to be a criticism of the organization I work for. It’s a great organization and, as far as bureaucracy goes, it could be way worse.

Still, this transition is tough.

Creating Hallowe’en

The celebrations and holidays of summer are behind us and September is just around the corner. I know what’s coming next, if only because the decorations in the stores – on the shelves for weeks now – encourage us to do it up right.

Hallowe’en.

The stores have lined their shelves with candy already, tempting us to buy early and be prepared, knowing we’ll eat it all within the week and have to buy more.

I’m not falling for it.

The decorations have surfaced, as frightening (and kitschy) as ever, encouraging us to let spiders dance on doorways and make ghosts watch from windows.

Sooner or later I will buy some, to add to our growing collection, because it’s fun and I know Connor will be into it this year.

And then there are the costumes.

They hang from rods, on plastic hangers in their plastic packaging, many made from plastic themselves.

I knew nothing of store-bought costumes as a kid. My mom – ever devoted, ever creative – made our costumes herself and in doing so set a standard I never thought to question.

Until I had a child, that is.

And realized I couldn’t sew (and had no desire to learn).

On Connor’s first Hallowe’en, we went back and forth on whether to get him a costume. He was just over four months old at the end of October – not exactly trick or treating age. But we wanted to dress him up. My husband, never one to cheat on anything that provides an artistic opportunity, was determined to make a bumblebee costume. We searched for basics to form the costume core and accessories to bee-ify him. Nothing was quite right for my husband’s standards and so we abandoned the effort. Shortly before the big day, I came across a costume on a classifieds site – it was a good price for an absurdly cute ladybug costume from Old Navy, so I bought it.

Yes, he’s a boy. I didn’t care. That costume was cute.

Toddler dressed as Yoda for HalloweenCome October 31 I stuffed my son into it and dragged him down to a local children’s store for their Hallowe’en party. It was great, except for the part where my son screamed through the whole thing. I gave up, stripped the ladybug off him (without even getting a picture) and took him home, where we spent the evening desperately trying to get the dog not to bark every time the doorbell rang (a useless effort at the best of times, never mind on Hallowe’en with all its tricks).

By the second year I realized any desire my husband had to make something had long since faded when, much to my surprise, he came home with a yoda costume. From a store. I thought it was great because it gave us the opportunity to spend many hours practicing our yoda impressions.

“Wear a store-bought costume, you will. No crafty bone in her body, your mother has.”

Yoda Halloween costume with a red clown wigYou get the point.

Anyway, aside from that added bonus it was cute, which was the new standard. And it looked pretty good with a red clown wig, too.

Then last year a Spiderman costume caught my husband’s eye, confirming our abandonment of any pretence about making a costume ourselves.

This year is no different. I came home one day several weeks ago to find a very happy small boy dressed as a fireman. He and his dad had been out and found this costume in a store. With a fireman a clear choice for a costume, they bought it. And so it hangs in the closet downstairs, awaiting its turn to parade around the block.

I had no involvement in the procurement of this costume. I didn’t help my child come up with the idea. I didn’t sew a single stitch. I didn’t even buy it – on its plastic hanger in its plastic packaging – and bring it home so my toddler could look forward to being a fireman for Halloween.

I can’t sew, and I don’t want to. I might get out my black eyeliner and help him look coal-smudged and authentic, but that’s about the extent of it.

I loved my Hallowe’en costumes as a kid. Looking back, knowing how much time and love went into creating them, I remember them especially fondly. But I’m not going to make costumes for my kids. That’s not the sort of mom I am.

What I will do – like my mom did with us – is help my son get dressed on Hallowe’en and walk with him up and down our street delighting in our neighbours’ decorations. I will watch his face as he collects candy in his bag for doing nothing except showing up on someone’s doorstep (and looking cute). When our doorbell rings, I will run with him down the hall and admire the other kids’ costumes – not caring where or how they got them – and then let him choose a candy bar to add to their haul.

That’s the sort of mom I am. And it is enough.

Join us every Monday…
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Be part of carrying the weight of confidence, empowerment and share our mission to empower, inspire, and remind women, parents and children that the time has come to celebrate ourselves!

How you have lived the Be Enough Me feeling this week?

A reminder: Starting last Monday and continuing for 3 more, we are fighting cancer with the help of two incredible partners: Bellflower Books and Crickett’s Answer for Cancer. For every 20 link-ups received this month, Bellflower Books will donate a $75 certificate toward a 20-page memory book to a family identified by Crickett’s Answer who are fighting the good fight against breast cancer. Our goal is to be able to provide ten women the opportunity to receive a special book created by family and friends that will be treasured not only by the brave women fighting, but by their families as well.

On the Move: Being a Scary Mommy

There are a number of things about me that are scary. Like my inability to deal with heat. And my sense of humour. And my weird facial expressions.

Today I’m taking my scary self over to Jill’s place for a Scary Mommy guest post. It includes a shot of whiskey, so come and visit!

 

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Quick note about something that is not scary: my new design. Huge, huge thank you to Kate from Mommy Monologues for doing it for me. She’s a star, and an absolute sweetheart to work with.