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This Is My Brave

November 25, 2013 by Farewell Stranger ·

“I wanted share a bit of my story with you and say thank you for sharing yours.”

The best emails I get start this way.

I’m always honoured when someone shares her story with me, and when I get a note of thanks for sharing my experience with postpartum depression it reinforces that the hard parts of sharing a tough story are worth it.

Today I’ve shared a guest post on This Is My Brave about why I think it’s important to speak out about mental health. And it is important – the emails I get tell me so, and I know it firsthand from those I’m thankful to.

I’d love for you to come and read, and while you’re there take some time to read about This Is My Brave the show. Jennifer and Anne Marie are doing a really good, really important, and really brave thing.

Filed Under: Guest posts · Tagged With: going public, telling the truth, we're not alone

Talking About PPD (and All Its Friends)

September 10, 2013 by Farewell Stranger ·

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, so it seems appropriate to share this with you today: Yesterday I did an interview for a news outlet about why it’s important to talk about postpartum depression in the context of maternal suicide. You can see that interview and the rest of their reporting on the Global News website.

The interview was prompted by a Canadian Medical Association Journal article about why it’s time to put maternal suicide under the microscope, which, in turn, was prompted by the case of Winnipeg mother Lisa Gibson who, it appears, killed her two small children and then herself and was said to have been suffering from postpartum depression. There are a few things I want to say about this issue and my interview with Global News.

I’ll start with this: Women like Lisa Gibson who kill their children are not monsters. That’s a bold statement, but I really believe that to be true. In fact, let’s make it a bolder statement:

Women suffering from postpartum mood disorders who kill their children are not monsters.

Some of you are already in fits of rage, but hear me out. I don’t want to change your mind about this, because it’s such an emotional topic and I totally get that, but I do want to be able to have a conversation about it. I’ll share my thoughts and I welcome yours in the comments.

First, women who do this are not suffering from your typical depression. Generally they are suffering from postpartum psychosis, which is as scary as it sounds. Some very brave women have shared their stories of postpartum psychosis and the completely unreal, not-based-in-real-life things they believed. Women like Jenni, who shared that she saw:

“…a figure, a dwarfish figure – a dark, person-shaped creature that scurried toward the bassinet, saw me, and darted away.”

Jenni thought it was this figure—instead of colic—that was responsible for her newborn’s crying.

And then there’s Heather, whose story I’ve shared before. Heather described finding herself naked on the side of a DC highway:

“When helicopters flew overhead, I was convinced the world was going to end and that presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain were headed to DC to join forces and save the world. I thought of a few ways I could help save the world: My husband and I could kill each other. Or we could kill our children. Or my parents…”

So: Women like Heather do not have murderous motives. Often they truly believe killing their children is necessary for reasons that don’t make any sense in the real world. For others it’s less like a plot from a dramatic Hollywood blockbuster and more that they believe their children would be better without them as a mother. Don’t try to make sense of it. It’s psychosis. And until we make it okay to say, “I’m not okay,” and to make it better, easier, not-terrifying for mothers to ask for help, this is going to keep happening.

We need to make it okay to ask for help.

And that’s why I did the interview. The news clip, of course, includes mere seconds of what was a much longer conversation and if you’re familiar with my story then you haven’t missed much. But the clip also focused on medication – partly because it’s a visual associated with the topic and partly, I suspect, because it’s sort of shocking. (Serious? Clearly associated with mental illness, in any case.) And while medication is one of the things I credit with helping me finally recover, it’s not the only option and it’s not what works for everyone.

The point I wanted to make, essentially, was this: Ask for help. You’re not alone. Postpartum depression is shockingly common and you’re not the only one and it doesn’t make you a bad mother. There are options, and whether you’re hiding in the bathroom crying or formulating a plan to take your own life, you can get help. There is another way.

Please, ask for help.

It’s going to be okay.

SUICIDE AND CRISIS RESOURCES

If you (or someone you know) is thinking about hurting yourself or your children, get help.

Canada: Crisis centres in Canada: http://www.suicideprevention.ca/in-crisis-now/find-a-crisis-centre-now/

US – National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

International: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html

And remember, you don’t have to be suicidal to call a hotline. If you need to talk to someone, call. You can also go to the nearest emergency room to ask for help.

Filed Under: Hard things, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: call for back-up, depression, going public, meds, we're not alone

On the Move: at Things I Can’t Say

January 25, 2013 by Farewell Stranger ·

You can find me elsewhere again today, guest posting for Shell on her Things They Can’t Say series.

Things I can’t say, you say? After all the stuff I’ve posted here you wouldn’t think there is anything. But it’s not actually about things I can’t say, just something I’ve opted to share over there. Where I hope my mother won’t read it. (Ahem.)

My post at Shell’s is about something I really should give up but don’t seem to be able to. Come and read about it (unless you’re my mother, that is).

Comments closed.

Filed Under: Guest posts · Tagged With: admissions, going public

Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

June 12, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

There’s a bit of a movement happening in the blogosphere. Jess from Makeunder My Life wrote a post called Things I’m Afraid To Tell You. Ez of Creature Comforts took the idea and ran with it (including designing the image you see below), and the Huffington Post thought it was such a good idea they published a piece about it.

Now Lisa from joycreation is keeping it alive.

I love this idea, because I think one of the most valuable things bloggers offer is a peek inside someone else’s head. We tell you things we might otherwise never voice, and in doing so make others feel less alone. That’s what some bloggers have done for me and what I hope to do for others.

I know, you’re probably wondering what on Earth I’m afraid to tell you, especially after recent posts about how I’m sad about not having a girl and my recurring slide into depression. But there are things. Probably lots of things. Many more things than you’ll find in this post, not because I don’t want to share them but because I honestly thing some of them are buried so deep even I don’t know they’re there. But I do have some things on my mind lately that I’m afraid to say out loud because they’re hard and they’re not the things I like most about myself. So I’ve joined up with Lisa and some other bloggers who want to share their things as well for this edition of Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.

Here’s my list.

***

I’m not sure if moving was the right decision. I’m not sure it was the wrong decision, but so far we haven’t accomplished what we set out to accomplish, which is avoiding me working all the time and wanting to throw myself in front of a truck.

***

I’m getting more introverted as I get older, and I’m starting to like people less and less. I’m accepting them more, but liking them less. We’ve lived here for 6 months and I really don’t care at this point whether I make new friends. I have no desire to go out and chat and get to know people. I just want to come home and see my family and walk my dog and write.

***

The above-referenced post about depression was really hard to publish. I have posted a ton of really personal stuff on this blog in the last year and a half, but it’s getting harder to admit when I’m not doing okay. I thought I had moved past that and figured out what it all meant. I haven’t.

***

I fear I won’t be any better of a mother the second time around. I read a beautiful post by Angie from The Little Mumma about her four-week-old daughter. It included a piece that caused a bit of a revelation for me:

“People ask me if she is a good baby. I say she is a dream. She doesn’t sleep through the night, she prefers to be held, she upchucks regularly. But still, I’m not lying. To me, she is a dream. A newborn dream. Feeding regularly (feels like constantly!), wanting closeness to Mumma, crying when she needs something. To me, these are normal, newborn things and I try not to buy into the idea of what she should be doing.”

Well there you go. If that isn’t the secret to new motherhood, I don’t know what is. The thing is, my revelation lasted about four seconds and deep down I question whether I have any ability whatsoever to remember that this is what life is about for a newborn and not wish it were different.

Despite all I’ve gone through in the last four years, despite all my learning – both the usual way and the incredibly hard way – I’m not sure I’ve learned this lesson. And I question whether I will stay sane this time, and I wonder if perhaps I’m already doing wrong by this beautiful baby we’ve chosen to bring into the world.

And those are the things I’m afraid to tell you.

If you’re a blogger and wish to join in, please do. We’d love to have you. The link-up below is open until Tuesday, June 19.

Please click around and visit those who have chosen to share. I know they’d appreciate the support.

Filed Under: Hard things, Motherhood · Tagged With: admissions, antenatal depression, community, expectations, going public, lists, we're not alone

New Life

March 14, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

When I chose my one word for 2012 – VIBRANT – I had a moment where I wondered if perhaps it might come to mean more than just joyously living life. It was wishful thinking at the time – a what if and not a when.

Now it’s a when.

Somewhat to my surprise (but certainly not unwelcome) I’m pregnant.

My reaction to this, and the roller coaster of emotion over the last several weeks, could potentially fill this blog from now to my due date. (But don’t worry – I won’t subject you to quite that much navel gazing.) I will share one story about a reaction that was most unexpected given that this is something wanted and hoped for, but mostly I’m hoping to move on in a much more positive frame of mind than I’ve been in of late.

If you read my post yesterday, you’ll probably wonder what on earth had me so worked up. I wonder that a bit myself, actually, as I knew I would once I got past that milestone. You see, I started a new job in the middle of December, which puts me not quite at the three-month mark. Total newbie. And I’m replacing someone who was away on mat leave for a year and then returned, on a part-time basis, only to resign a couple of months later to stay at home with her son. The team I’m leading has had a rough time with having a manager over the last couple of years (or not having one, as the case may be).

I know, this is more important. And people will understand. And what are you going to do, anyway?

I know all that.

But somehow over the last six weeks I’ve managed to work myself up into a state of guilt and unbridled angst over this. “Screw you” is not a life philosophy I subscribe to. (Not that anyone who leaves a job for any amount of time due to pregnancy or parenting does…) I’m not even past my probation period – not that I had any concern about being fired as a result of this announcement, but it’s all just so…new.

So instead of continuing to add to my already ever-present nausea with a stomach in knots, I decided to come clean. Better to have it in the open than stuck in my head, I figure. And besides, given how fast I’m already expanding it wouldn’t have been a secret for long.

In any case, it went well. I’ve told them and now I’ve told you.

And now, joyously, all those words that have been walled up inside me can be set free.

Coming on or around October 13, 2012 to a blog near you.