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Deep Breaths

March 13, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

My words are still walled in.

Tomorrow I’m going to do something I dread. It’s something I need to do, and in fact have to do eventually. I’m just choosing to do it now because the anxiety is crushing me.

I lie awake at night picturing this scenario and how it might go. It invades my dreams. In the dark of night I am sure I must do this. In the light of day I wonder if I’m being overly dramatic.

The thing is, I’m not in control right now and for me that’s not a good thing. There’s no point in worrying about the possible consequences – they will be what they will be. I can’t try to choose the right time, because there really is no right time.

For too long this has been something I can’t say. Until tomorrow I can’t say it here, but I’m hoping that doing what I need to do will break down the walls and let my words free.

I will come back and share those words with you, but for now I just ask for good thoughts and more faith than I am currently able to muster.

Filed Under: Hard things · Tagged With: admissions, anxiety, depression, going public

Gratitude, Comment Love and Something Entirely Unrelated

January 3, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

Confession: The revision history on my last post is RIDICULOUS. I edited it over and over and just could not get it right.

It actually started off as my blogging anniversary post, and it was directed at those of you who come here and read and offer support. I wanted to tell you how much that has meant to me over the last year. How much it means to me now.

Writing about something as personal as depression—especially in the moment, as so many of my posts were—feels incredibly vulnerable. I wrote about those things because I needed to have them live somewhere other than inside my own head, but there was also a part of me that wanted to hear I wasn’t alone. And wow, am I ever NOT ALONE.

Image credit: Joffley on Flickr

Over the last year I have come to realize just how many people struggle with depression and anxiety, and I hate that there are just SO many. But I love that there is so much support out there too, and that it’s becoming more and more okay to admit to these things.

So in the end, after realizing that it simply wasn’t working, I wrote something more simple for that anniversary post and said what I really wanted to say, which is: Thank you for loving me. But I didn’t give up on the rabbit.

I played around with that post some more and eventually decided it was actually about something different. And then it got to a point where I thought it was good enough, so I published it.

And then you all took over.

I’ve had so many incredible comments and messages and re-tweets on that post. It seems I struck a nerve. I keep trying to respond to those comments, and I will, but right now I don’t really know what to say. It’s all making me feel a bit weepy.

So again: Thank you.

On a related note, if you want another glimpse into why it’s so important for us to write about depression and have it be acceptable, go and read the latest post by The Bloggess. Jenny, if you don’t know her already, is absolutely, stunningly hilarious. But she also deals with mental illness. She writes about that pretty openly, but this post really blows the doors off. Go, read, and give her some love.

And now sometimes entirely unrelated…

I wasn’t actually planning to post today because I signed up for NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) for January, where the goal is to write a post a day for the whole month. And after I signed up I decided that was crazy, so I intended to cheat (sort of) and just direct you to my Just.Be.Enough. post today. But then you were all so nice and I kind of got sidetracked writing this.

Anyway… I did write a post for Just.Be.Enough. today and it’s about Spanx. See? Entirely unrelated.

I’m going to close comments on this one, so please either visit me at Just.Be.Enough. or go and give Jenny some comment love. (She’s already got over 1,000 comments, but what’s a movement if not something that really takes off?)

R xo

Filed Under: Better world, Happy things, Hard things, Randomness · Tagged With: anxiety, community, depression, going public, gratitude, love, spreading the love, we're not alone

Farewell to 2011 in Photos: Link-up

December 26, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Christmas is over and a new year is nearing. As much as I love Christmas, I also really love this time of year when the holiday madness is over and the week-between lull starts. The end-of-year lists and retrospectives appear, offering a chance to remember what was and think about what will be before normal life resumes and the daily what-is takes over.

So let’s do some retrospecting, shall we?

Pick a picture (or a couple, if you wish) for each month of the year, post, and link up with me to say farewell to 2011 in photos. (You can focus on the photography or the memories – up to you.)

One winner will be randomly chosen from those who link up to receive a complimentary registration in the Brave Girls Club’s Soul Restoration I class.

January

This is the only photo I’m including that’s not mine (credit underactive on Flickr) but it’s what best represents January to me. January 2011 is when I started this blog and shortly after that I started using this image in my header. I’ve had 2 other designs since, but this one is still “my” image. It remains my wallpaper on my laptop and I’m still getting gifts inspired by this image. I love it, and it will always represent this blog and what it has come to mean to me.

February

I took this photo as we were preparing to take off for Toronto from my hometown, which doesn’t get a lot of snow so de-icing is a rare requirement. This picture is not about the snow, though. It’s about the trip, and not because it was memorable but because it wasn’t. In thinking about February I knew I had travelled for work but I couldn’t remember where I’d gone. And even now, I barely remember that trip, except that I forgot to pack underwear. It was the start of my realizing something within me had fundamentally changed over the last couple of years, and not in a good way.

March

The happenings in March—including this visit to the antenatal assessment unit—were the precursor to what happened next and what my year has become. On the current path of my life this yellow hallway was the start line. It was where I went to see the psychiatrist who put me on the medication that almost killed me (and that, incidentally, also probably saved my life). I will never, ever forget this hallway.

April

In April I plummeted. Crashed and burned. And this room is where I ended up. No, not a psych ward, but the guest room of a friend’s place. She was out of town and kindly offered me a sanctuary when I badly needed to run and hide. At the beginning of a 4 1/2 month leave from work I spent a few days here, awake late into the nights before finally taking a shrink-prescribed pill that knocked me out completely for at least 12 hours. When I think of the me who spent time in this room I barely recognize her. This grainy picture from my BlackBerry isn’t one I’ve published before, but I took it because I wanted to remember this room. When I look at this picture now all I feel is unending gratitude for that time and space and my friend’s generosity.

May

By May I had scraped myself up off the floor and was riding a yo-yo. Yearning to be better but mostly bouncing between desperate depression and feeling nothing. I walked. A lot. On the day I took this picture I decided it was time to start looking at what was around me again.

June

June was the start of the road that let me where I am now, though I didn’t know it at the time. “We could move to Alberta,” my husband said, and shortly after that we went to Calgary for my sister’s graduation. This picture was taken at the Calgary Zoo and I remember enjoying the visit while one question reverberated around my brain: “Am I ever going to feel better?” And yet, at the same time, I started to really see myself again.

July

In July I had had enough. Enough of being on leave from work, enough of being drugged all the time and enough of feeling like a mental patient. I started to explore going back to work, but my psychiatrist wasn’t so keen. I was annoyed at the time but when I look at this picture I remember that she was right. My husband took Connor out one day so I could have some quiet time alone in the house. It was badly needed, but when he sent me this picture all I could think was that I should be there with them. But at that point early in the month I just couldn’t. When I look at this picture I think about how I missed out on so much time with my son. Not just months, but years.

August

By August I had taken a stand. I fired my psychiatrist, weaned myself off the sedating anti-anxiety medication (note: don’t try that at home – much better to have a doctor’s advice and know what you’re getting in to), and scheduled my return to work. But first I went to BlogHer ’11. It was totally amazing – incredible and life-changing.

I got myself back.

(Clockwise: Lizz, Galit, Natalie, me, Jessica, Mad Woman at BlogHer in San Diego)

September

In September I turned the focus back on others and streaked my hair blue in support of suicide prevention (and my friend Cristi, who is tireless in her efforts to raise awareness). In the end, there were many #bluebloggers who did this, including my mother.

But that’s not all! September was so monumental it deserves two photos. This is my baby on his first day of preschool. I just love this kid.

October

In October we did it – after a month of prep work we put our house up for sale so we could move to Calgary. It sold in less than two weeks and we haven’t looked back.

November

In November we made a quick trek here, bought a house in one day and moved into it less than a month later. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing, right?. (Smart cookie, that Helen Keller was.)

December

And here we are at the end of the year, living in snow and sunshine. Our whole world has shifted and we couldn’t be happier about it.

As I sit here now, late on the evening of Christmas Day, I will admit to looking back at this year with some emotion. I’m aware every day, around every turn and with every breath of crisp winter air, that life is different. That I am different. That I’m not where I thought I would be. But it’s been a while since I really looked back at where I was.

2011 was hard. Gut-wrenching, tear-stained, and really, really hard. But ultimately oh so good. As we finish out this year I’m so, so grateful and unbelievably excited about what 2012 will bring.

What about you?

Filed Under: Happy things, Hard things, Photos · Tagged With: blogging, family, going public, gratitude, living life, moments

Link-up: Farewell to 2011 in photos

December 18, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

How would you describe 2011 in words? It’s hard for me to pick just one.

Enlightening.

Frightening.

Joyous.

Anxiety-ridden.

Unexpected.

Life-changing.

2011 included my worst personal experience to date.

It included one of my best personal experiences to date.

It was the year I went public with my experience with PPD.

It was the year I started this blog (almost exactly one year ago, in fact).

2011 was the year I took 4 1/2 months off work and saw a psychiatrist and was significantly medicated. It was the year I quit the job I used to love and moved with my family away from the city I grew up in. It was the year I learned to call myself a writer.

All those things are so indescribably unexpected. A year ago I had no idea I would be where I am today. NO idea. And I couldn’t be more grateful – for all of it.

But while those are the things I will remember most about this year, there are lots of other things that happened too and together they make up what 2011 was about for me. All those big things are captured on this blog, but only some of the small things are. And they should have a place here too, don’t you think?

So here’s what I’m going to do: After Christmas, I’m going to put together a post that includes a photo to represent each month of the year. It might depict something big, and it might be something small that I just want to remember. I’ll post it and include a linky and anyone who wants to play along is welcome to link up.

And…there’s a prize.

One winner will be randomly chosen from those who link up to receive a complimentary registration in the Brave Girls Club’s Soul Restoration I class.

This class is described as an “enjoyable and powerful workshop…designed to help you really really think and hear your own soul again…to help you remember what brings you the most joy, to realize & remember all of the things that you are good at and that make your heart sing…to get back on track and to unleash the courage and motivation to stay on track….to reunite with your soul.”

A perfect way to start 2012, I would say.

So enjoy the festivities, however you celebrate, and then reflect on the last year, choose some photos and join in. The link-up will be open from Dec. 26 to Jan. 2, and a winner will be randomly chosen on Jan. 3.

Happy reflecting.

Filed Under: Happy things, Hello, Inspiration, Photos · Tagged With: favourite activities, going public, gratitude, living life, perspective, spreading the love

Beauty in the Breakdown: TEDx – The Video

October 19, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Early this morning I got an email from the organizers of the TEDx event I spoke at. “Your talk is up on the TED website,” they said nonchalantly, as though that one short sentence hadn’t just caused my heart to skip a beat.

Before I had even watched it, my husband had posted it on Facebook. I did sort of want someone to watch it and tell me what it was like, but that wasn’t quite what I had in mind…

“Did you watch it?! Is it awful?” I asked him.

“I saw it live. It was great,” he replied.

Husbands are so not helpful.

I was nervous. This is me crying on stage in front of strangers and it was posted on the TED website. I started to watch it, panicked, and stopped. I boiled the kettle and considered pressing play again while I was waiting, but wasn’t quite ready. Finally, with tea and toast in hand, I sat down to watch it.

I’m not sure how I expected to feel about it. Proud, I think, which is how I felt after the event. But I have to be honest: other things are outweighing the pride right now. I know I’ve written about all the things I spoke about – the tears, the rage, and the accusations – but for some reason having this video out there is…different.

But I’m going to share it with you anyway.

It is what it is and this is my story.

(If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, the juicy part starts at the 4-minute mark.)

And speaking of being enough… Did you see my piece on Band Back Together about the origins of Just.Be.Enough?

And next week I’ll be at Just.Be.Enough. on Monday hosting the Be Enough Me link-up. Join us!

Write, post, link-up, share your story and your voice.
Be part of carrying the weight of confidence and share our mission
to empower, inspire, and remind women, parents and children
that the time has come to celebrate ourselves!