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New House and New Traditions

November 4, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

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So, we bought a house yesterday.

<– That’s it. Pretty good, eh?

We jogged into town on Wednesday afternoon, bought an iPhone (because, obviously) and started looking at houses yesterday at 10 am. The deal was done about 10:00 last night.

We are totally thrilled with how this worked out. It’s almost miraculous. We got a house we love and – get this – the possession date we wanted. We’ve agreed to be out of our house by the 26th and will be into the new one on the 28th. Of November.

So that means we’ll be in our new house for Christmas.

I’m not actually sure what our Christmas plans will be this year, but I think it’s going to be a little odd. We’ve spent every Christmas except two at home with my parents and other assorted family. We’ve picked out a tree at the same nursery every year. We’ve done the same lights tour. We’ve eaten Christmas dinner at the same table and hung our stockings from the same fireplace. Those things will change and it will be okay, though I’m feeling a bit sentimentally sad about it.

What we will have, however, is this, which we woke up to this morning:

There’s actually no guarantee we’ll have a white Christmas but if we do I will be a very happy girl. Despite many years on the coast, it never feels like Christmas without snow. And I think this little dude will like it too:

We’ll be in town for good just in time to gear up for Christmas, which will involve my sister and her husband, and my parents are planning to come out too. My mother-in-law lives here, so we won’t be short on family.

And it will be kind of fun to start new traditions and find new holiday comforts. We’ll go visit the great light display they do in a park here and actually enjoy hot chocolate in the car without being too warm. I’ll prove to Connor that I do, in fact, know how to build a snowman. We’ll bake my mom’s Christmas cookies in our new oven in our totally awesome new kitchen, and then we’ll sit by our new fireplace and eat them. (Or maybe I’ll leave the boys downstairs and eat mine upstairs because our new bedroom has a fireplace in it. Squee!) We’ll introduce our stockings to their new home and make sure Santa knows we’ve moved.

And we’ll enjoy the snow. Until we’re sick of it.

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Filed Under: Happy things, Stuff I like · Tagged With: family, favourite activities, firsts, hope, living life, The Universe

The Truth

October 30, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Just before 4:30 on Friday, I left my afternoon meeting and got into my car. I drove a few blocks and then pulled over to an empty parking spot on the side of the road, pulled out my BlackBerry, and wrote my resignation.

And hit send.

As of November 19, I will no longer be employed at the organization I have worked at for almost six years. I will no longer be employed at all, in fact.

The truth is this causes me a slightly-larger-than-small amount of anxiety.

The truth is it’s more freeing than scary.

When we started talking about making this move I presumed I’d get a job and then move. I applied for some, interviewed, and then sat there waiting for the phone to ring. And one afternoon I realized I was waiting for the phone to ring but hoping it didn’t.

That realization was freeing too.

By all normal logic, I should have a job. My husband is a stay-at-home dad and I have a preschooler who’s growing so fast I’m starting to hope capris become a hot style for three-year-old boys.

We intend to buy a house in Calgary, but with the equity in our current house we’ll be able to do that. We sold that house on Friday – the papers have been signed, the for-sale sign has been flipped, and less than a month from now we’re going to hit the road.

I’ve busted out of the golden handcuffs before and it’s not easy. (One of these days I’ll have to tell you the story about how spending a weekend at an alternative treatment centre with my mom when she had cancer ultimately led me to leave a totally secure job and take a pay cut to do the kind of work I wanted to do.) It hasn’t been easy this time around either. But I have never once doubted it’s the right thing to do, and after all that’s happened over the last few months I’m not prepared to take the wrong job just so I have a job. Sometimes I think you have to just GO. The right job will find me.

“Aren’t you scared?” a good friend of mine asked a few weeks ago. “Shitless,” I answered truthfully. But I’d rather be full of fear for a short time than full of regret forever. (And then last week, for similar reasons, that friend quit his job too. The truth is out there, people. It’s spreading, and it’s AWESOME.)

The truth is we spend too much time being scared. We think “scary” equals “wrong” so we stay scared and we do nothing. We stay the course.

The truth is I think I’d die if I stayed the course. Physically, I already came as close as I care to. I’m not letting what I “should” do steal my soul.

Image credit: kxlly on Flickr

There’s a whole other layer to what’s happening in my work environment right now and, while I decided to move on before that begun, it’s been, frankly, awful. There are things I want to pour on this page, but I can’t. That’s one truth I can’t tell. So I don’t have this outlet and my emotion and frustration and grief over a difficult situation have overflowed elsewhere.

Truth: It’s affecting people I care about, and that’s hard.

Truth: It’s damaged a relationship, possibly irreparably, and I regret that while at the same time feel like I can’t do anything about it.

Truth: It feels like I’m leaving part of me behind in this process. Not just the part I have intentionally ditched, but a good part. A stable part. A rational part.

It’s the truth. But it has consequences.

Filed Under: Be enough me, Happy things, Hard things · Tagged With: admissions, anxiety, Be enough me, hope, living life, telling the truth, The Universe

For Charity

October 29, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

When someone struggles, I help. When someone celebrates, I join in. But sometimes it’s a little bit of both, with hard stuff and happy stuff all intertwined, and I’m up for that too.

This is for Charity.

Dear Charity,

I know today you’re thinking back to a year ago when you admitted you needed help and went somewhere you could get it. I know it’s a hard day to think of. But it wasn’t just a hard day – it was the start of something.

Today you don’t have to worry about whether a year from now you will wish you had started today, because you’ve already begun. And you’ve come a long way, baby. Even if you still struggle, you are making progress and you’re where you need to be.

So don’t worry about this day a year ago, or this day a year from now. Focus on today.

You are where you need to be.

Filed Under: Postpartum depression · Tagged With: call for back-up, community, depression, hope, spreading the love, we're not alone

On the Move: Guest Posting at The Mommy Matters

October 20, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

A lot of things about my life aren’t as expected after my experience with PPD, as shared (in abundant detail) here. One of the things I didn’t bank on was the effect PPD would have on the spacing of my kids.

I’m sharing my thoughts on that in a guest post on The Mommy Matters today. I can’t even remember how I first met Courtney, but I’m very glad I did. She’s an absolutely beautiful person and a great writer. She’s one of those honest types I cherish. Her photography is amazing. As in I-almost-don’t-want-to-look-at-it-because-it-makes-me-feel-inadequate amazing. But I overlook that because she also does amazing design work and offered a blog design giveaway, which I won! Whee! (I’m WAY excited about that.)

Anyway, this isn’t about my artistic inadequacy. It’s about Courtney being a wonderful host. She’s started a new series called Feature Friday and has invited me to kick it off. I’m incredibly flattered and have shared a post that is very close to my heart. Please come and read.

Comments off here today. Come and talk to me at The Mommy Matters!

Filed Under: Guest posts, Hard things, Motherhood, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: expectations, family, hope

Blue

October 11, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

With some distance, I wonder what Connor will think of all this when he’s older.

Will he understand my struggle?

Will he think it was about him?

Will he be embarrassed that I put this much of it out there?

I don’t think he will.

In fact I’m willing to bet he won’t.

You see, we know it’s okay now.

One day, long after her streaks have faded, he will come across a picture of his Grandma – my mom – with blue hair.

He will see a newspaper article with a picture of her – blue hair and all – sitting between his dad and I.

And he will know what that brilliant shock of blue means: It’s okay to ask for help.

And if he asks I’ll give him nothing but love.

Just like my mother did for me.

With thanks to Paul and the staff at Chamberlain Walk hair salon for supporting my mom’s fundraising for mental health and suicide prevention.

If you’d like to make a contribution you can do that here. If my mom raises $4000 she’ll dye her whole head blue (and I really, really want to see that).

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Music in the video is “Blue” by July for Kings. Lovely, isn’t it?