Decisions, Decisions

May 31, 2011 by ·

Today I’m thinking about decisions. Big ones. Luckily others have wise words on this very topic.

It’s not hard to make decisions when you know what your values are.  ~Roy Disney

Choices are the hinges of destiny.  ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagora

Although every man believes that his decisions and resolutions involve the most multifarious factors, in reality they are mere oscillation between flight and longing.  ~Herman Broch

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve always liked Ralphie. I’m going to trust him on this one.


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Hello Inspiration – Our True Selves

May 29, 2011 by ·

I’ve been inspired this week by a bunch of different things that have contributed to where I am now.

Since I started blogging, I have discovered a new community. These are people I’ve never met who have provided so much support to me (and to each other) during the most difficult time in my life.

Recently some of those people have started vlogging. I LOVE this. I love seeing their faces. I love hearing their voices. I feel more like I actually have met them.

There are a lot of people I could include here, but I’m going to share three with you – one funny, one sweet & friendly, and one incredibly brave.

Leighann and I started blogging around the same time, and if I walked past her in the street I would hug her. I love her posts and her tweets, but seeing her on camera made me really feel like I know who she is. Here is her first (quite funny) vlog.

Alison is not one of my PPD mamas, but she reads and comments and shows so much support. I find this incredible for someone who hasn’t experienced it – it’s like she gets it, which is quite amazing. I loved her vlog – she is beautifully sweet. Plus I really like her accent.

And then Kim. She used her first vlog to participate in Miranda’s rally for mental health and telling her story in this way is really powerful. Loved that she showed her true self in this way for this cause.

Which brings me to Miranda’s rally, which must have taken a lot of energy to organize and shows a dedication that is such a hallmark of who Miranda is. The American Psychological Association had Mental Health Day.  Miranda had mental health days. Maybe even weeks. She gave people a place to tell their stories and as a whole that’s a really powerful thing.

And speaking of sharing her stories, Amanda did that this week. When she let me know she had been inspired to share her story about PPD, I was so glad. And so proud. Proud of her, because I know how scary that can be to do.

I’ve been thinking of all these things as I pondered what to what about for this week’s inspiration post. And then last night I sat down to watch the (PVR’d) final episode of Oprah. I haven’t been a regular Oprah watcher for a while, but I wanted to watch her last episode. So much of what she said in her farewell is exactly what I’ve been working on articulating here in a post that’s been in draft for weeks. That will come in time, but in the meantime Oprah said something that describes exactly why these things are inspirational to me:

“In every way in every day you are showing people exactly who you are. You’re letting your life speak for you.”

All the above are examples of this. And that’s all I’m trying to do too. My life has been speaking to me for a while, and only occasionally have I been able to hear it. But by allowing myself to be who I am, and by sharing that with others, I have removed some things that have prevented me from hearing those messages.

I hear them now. And for the first time in a long time, I’ve had a week where I understand what people meant when they said, “I wish you peace” because I’ve found it. It wasn’t in my environment, it wasn’t in my medication, it was in me. And I have invited it to stay.

brave new world

I liked this photo, especially when I realized it was titled "Brave New World"

 

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Hello, Inspiration: Living the Life You’re Meant To

May 22, 2011 by ·

This week my sources of inspiration came mostly in snippets of song on the same theme – the one that keeps coming up over and over. This is the start of trying to explain what all this means.

***
I’m driving, going I don’t know where, in one of those sick-of-this, taking-lots-of-deep-breaths mindsets.

Another song comes on the radio. I don’t listen to the first verse, but I for damn sure hear the chorus.

This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

[Chorus:]
It’s my life
It’s now or never…

It’s my life. Whether I feel I’m in control of it or not, it is. Now or never? I choose now.

(Thank you, Bon Jovi.)

***
Saturday morning. It’s raining. My boys are gone for the day. Rain drops tap on the skylight. “Sleep,” they tell me. “It’s a perfect day to sleep.”

I waffle. Close my eyes a bit more. Look at my puppy on the bed and think how nice it would be to just stay there, in the quiet, and sleep.

But I need to get up. I’ll feel worse if I don’t, and I need this run. And my friend needs it too. I committed to this – for her and for myself – so I leave the sound of raindrops behind and get up.

A bowl of cereal, half a cup of tea, and I’m out the door. The car radio’s on and there’s another song with a chorus that speaks to me.

‘Cause this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want, say what you want

Nelly, you’re so right. (And you’re from my hometown.) This week I have felt powerless, more than ever before. I have to get this sorted out for me first, I know. But from very early on in this process of writing about my experience I’ve known this is more than just about documenting my experience.

I could get better and carry on with my life. But I don’t want to live it just for me. There’s an opportunity to do more and help others. So I’ll say it: that’s what I want. I want to do more than just write words on these pages. I want to help others.

***
Why do I want that, when I’ve got a perfectly good life that I could keep on living? Because I think it matters. And it’s about more than recovering from postpartum depression. It’s about being the best parent or the best person you can be. It’s about living the life you’re meant to live. So many people are paralyzed with fear. I have been and I’ve used all the same excuses: I can’t leave this job that pays well / I can’t lose my benefits / I can’t move away because my family is here / I can’t do that because I might not be good enough / I have no experience and no one will take me… I just…can’t.

I’ll tell you something – I feel all of that again now, and it’s only peripherally related to PPD.

I see all of these message on this same theme as signs and I’m trying to listen to them.

It’s your life – now or never.

Don’t be just a face in the crowd.

Say what you want.

Because life’s too short.

***
The final snippet came my way following a conversation with friends about depression, about what we want our lives to be, about how happiness is not a number on a scale or a certain lifestyle.

It was a conversation that was honest and inspiring and heartbreaking all at once. On the way home I heard a song by Amanda Marshall. The first time I watched the video, years ago, I cried. Driving home the other night I cried again because there is power in this song’s message.

I believe in power and in possibility. I believe in inspiration. I believe in myself. And I believe in you.

 

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Letting Go

May 17, 2011 by ·

As I write it’s 11 PM on Monday, May 16. Today has been a good day. A day where I can again see what I know to be true instead of seeing nothing because I’m overwhelmed by anxiety. I’ve had some time to think more clearly today about some things that have been lurking in my brain, but veiled and unclear.

Last year I came up with my seven-year plan – what I want to do over the next seven years to get me to something that has long been a dream of mine. Over the last few weeks that dream has vanished, or so I thought. It turns out my dream has changed.

This realization was hard. It tossed me upside down and turned me around and was one thing too much on top of all the other stuff that’s currently swirling around me. It made me question everything about myself and my identity, which was based largely on who I was in the environment that would allow this dream to be.

Some time in the last week I have started to see that new vision of my future more objectively, though as I type I notice an increase in adrenaline that tells me I’m not at ease with this yet. But I know it’s a process.

The other day I came across a quote. It was one I’d never heard before, though the sentiment was certainly not new, and I liked it. It embedded itself in me, somewhere comfortable where I could sit with it and see if I could allow it to be true.

Today I came across it again. Twice.

For at least two weeks, I’ve had a series of posts in draft that are meant to be grand, insightful, and inspiring descriptions of how I’ve found my purpose and why I think everyone should pay attention to signs. So far those drafts are mostly blank – just a source and an idea – with no way to express what the path it suggests for me is supposed to look like.

There are reasons I can’t solidify that path yet. Practical reasons, like money and family and mortgages. There are also emotional reasons for it, like the bigger battle I’m currently waging, but also the unanswered questions: How? And what if? And what if I don’t…?

But those questions aren’t going to answer themselves, and I’m starting to see the practical reasons less and less as obstacles. Sometimes we’re just meant to do something and while for me it’s not what I thought, I’m starting to understand a bit more what my something might be.

So, back to that quote. It’s time to do something about it.

I’m going to start taking little steps to see if all the things I’ve held on to for so long are things I can let go of to make space for the something that’s waiting for me.

I won’t do it all at once, but I’m going to start letting go.

let-go-Joseph-campbell

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Hello Inspiration – Signs of Support

May 9, 2011 by ·

Since yesterday was Mother’s Day, I’m moving Hello, Inspiration to Monday this week. Hopefully that won’t throw you all off, since I’ve been doing this a whole two weeks now.

I had a variety of sources of inspiration this week, some more easy to describe than others.

It Gets Better

One of them was a video. Most people have probably heard of the It Gets Better Project, which I think is a great thing, but I saw this ad on TV and I think it’s amazing. It’s well done, but it’s a message that can apply in so many situations. Maybe that’s why it stuck with me.

[Update: Damn, sorry, they removed the video.]

Dreaming Big

I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer, and there are a lot of things I want to accomplish in my life. There are some things that are not on my life list but now may need to be. Or maybe it’s more than that. I think I have a new Definite Chief Aim – my most important goals in life. As part of exploring what that might be – or perhaps how it might come to be – I’ve signed up for Mondo Beyondo’s Dreaming Big online class.

I gave my mom one of their courses for Mother’s Day last year, and she really liked it. Here’s the description for this one:

This five week online class complete with inspiring lessons, real life stories, secret missions, audio interviews and hands-on activities will help you take your dreams from the realm of wishing into everyday motion.

I’m not generally shy about going after what I want to do, but a little inspiration and insight from others along the way can’t hurt.

The course starts May 16 and costs $99 US and right now they’re offering a 2 for 1 deal. If you want to learn more, click the image below. (Full disclosure: that’s an affiliate link so if you happen to register I get a little something. And you get a cool class and some good karma.)

Signs and the Rock of Friendship

My last source of inspiration is harder to describe. It’s a you-had-to-be-there sort of thing, but it’s worth adding to this list because it’s connected to the concepts behind both of the above and to this roller coaster of a journey I’m on.

On Friday night, two very good friends and I went to stay at a beach resort a couple of hours from here. It started as a casual, girls’ getaway suggestion and turned into something we realized we needed to do because we all needed to talk about some stuff.

“Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’ve seen this quote before, but it keeps coming across my path. I’m more aware of this after the last four months than I ever have been before, and I’m so grateful for being able to sit down with friends and talk about our hard battles, even the parts we haven’t told many – or any – people before.

On our way home, we were looking for a group of shops we’d heard about and wanted to check out. We found them, went in, and at first it was overwhelming. The first was a house – an actual house that hadn’t really been modified – and things were displayed on every surface, every wall, every floor. Normally those sorts of places are way too stimulating for me, but the things were so beautiful so I started to walk around. And then a funny thing happened.

I have two symbols that are meaningful to me – one that goes back to when I was pregnant that I’ve since associated with becoming a mother, and one that has come to represent what I hope to do with what I’ve learned from this PPD journey – and as I walked around these shops I saw these symbols everywhere. They were on jewelry, mugs, stickers, tea towels, bags and more. It was as though I was being told I’m on the right path.

While I was tempted to buy every item in the store, I managed to select a few things that will remind me of the power of that weekend, the power of believing things will get better, and the power of dreaming big.

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