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My Proud Mommy Moment

April 19, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

You know those people who always say the right thing and appear to leave lemon drops and lollipops in their wake? My friend Kir is like that. She has never said anything that hasn’t made me smile. Not ever. She litters her comments and messages with x’s and o’s and means every one of them. She is sweet and supportive and wise and I think sometimes we underestimate how important people like that are to the world.

I don’t anymore, especially not where she’s concerned. Every interaction with her feels like a blessing, and that’s why I was so honoured when she asked me to guest post for her Proud Mommy Moment series.

I’ve chosen to share something recent that is lighting up my life right now, and I’d love it if you’d visit me at Kir’s and read it.

Comments here closed. Talk to me there!

Filed Under: Conversations with Connor, Guest posts, Happy things, Motherhood · Tagged With: family, gratitude, moments

Motherhood and Toothpaste

April 17, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

Motherhood.

What some people would have you believe:

The reality:

Linked up with Memories Captured.

***

Next Monday, April 23rd, Be Enough Me is taking on the topic of labels with a special prompt inspired by Ashely Judd, called Change the Conversation.

It’s time to look past the obvious.

We’re inviting posts from voices everywhere to share your labels and who you are beyond that. The focus is whatever you need it to be – from our lives as moms, dads, parents, spouses, professionals, survivors, athletes and more. We invite you to join us, to celebrate our strengths, to celebrate our diversity, to celebrate our voices and change the conversation.

Join us on Just.Be.Enough next Monday for the very special link-up. We can’t wait to take the conversation by storm with our voices.

Filed Under: Happy things, Motherhood, Photos · Tagged With: family, favourite activities, moments, photos, toddlers are weird

Tick-Tock Goes the Clock

January 16, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

Image credit: Caucas on Flickr

I lie beside him as the early afternoon sun streams through the blinds. As I wait for him to fall asleep every wiggle-squirm feels like a tick-tock of the clock.

Will he sleep? I want him to nap so we can go on our planned adventure later this afternoon. I need him to nap so I can get a few things done.

The thought crosses my mind—as it has done so many times before—that it would be so nice if he were one of those kids who will fall asleep without my staying with him until he’s out.

But he’s not one of those kids.

He wiggle-squirms again and the clock tick-tocks.

I hear the dishwasher running downstairs and I think of my semi-clean kitchen. I make a mental list of what I want to try to accomplish while he’s asleep so another weekend doesn’t go by without getting anything done, leaving chaos to reign.

Tick-tock goes the clock.

The wiggle-squirms start to slow, and I hear the familiar deep breathing that’s a sign of coming sleep. Everything in me starts to slow, too, and the sound of the dishwasher fades into an awareness of quiet.

Just when I think he’s asleep, he takes my arm and pulls it around him, then pulls it around some more so he’s wrapped tightly. This is going to be a hard one to get out of without waking him, I think.

In the quiet room, awash in bright sunlight, I feel his warmth. I sense his breathing. I feel his quiet.

The tick-tock of the clock comes back, but this time it’s a different awareness. Not of things to do and bathrooms to clean but of passing days, a growing boy and the fleeting nature of this time when he’ll let me lie with my arms around him while he sleeps.

So I lie there a little longer, cherishing his small-boy softness and his warmth and his peacefulness.

I want to remember this.

So I write it down.

Filed Under: Happy things, Motherhood · Tagged With: family, favourite activities, love, moments

The Gift of the Present

January 7, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

I spent some time reading blogs this afternoon. After a full Saturday, and a full work week, it was nice to sit down and live in others’ lives for a while.

There are a lot of posts right now about choosing one word. It’s an idea that seems to have taken off and there are more than I would have expected. And there were a lot of similarities in the words chosen. “Calm.” “Serenity.” “Peace.” Being “present.” Even if these words were chosen because of their absence in people’s lives, it felt calming to read them.

One other post jumped out at me. (And now I can’t find it to link to. Sigh. Update: Found it! Thanks Angela.) A mom, of course, and a struggle at bedtime. A head, belonging to a child who’s supposed to be in bed, peeks around the door where mom’s working. A request for a cuddle. Instead of responding with exasperation or an automatic “get in bed!” this mother pauses. She sees the moment for what it is—one of many, yet fleeting—and says yes.

She walks away from her computer and wraps her arms around her child.

I don’t do that enough, especially after bedtime. But tonight, after I was finished my dinner, I had the same request. A small boy holding a bowl of orange ice cream.

“Mama, can I sit with you?”

This isn’t usually my favourite request. I don’t really like him sitting on my lap right after I’ve eaten, and at that point I was browsing through blogs again. But I paused, remembered those words and that post, and said yes.

Tonight I, too, was present. I lived in that moment. And in doing so I found a calming cuddle, serenity in the warmth of a small boy’s back, and the peace that comes from finding your happy place in the squish of a toddler tummy.

Filed Under: Conversations with Connor, Happy things, Motherhood · Tagged With: favourite activities, love, moments

Farewell to 2011 in Photos: Link-up

December 26, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Christmas is over and a new year is nearing. As much as I love Christmas, I also really love this time of year when the holiday madness is over and the week-between lull starts. The end-of-year lists and retrospectives appear, offering a chance to remember what was and think about what will be before normal life resumes and the daily what-is takes over.

So let’s do some retrospecting, shall we?

Pick a picture (or a couple, if you wish) for each month of the year, post, and link up with me to say farewell to 2011 in photos. (You can focus on the photography or the memories – up to you.)

One winner will be randomly chosen from those who link up to receive a complimentary registration in the Brave Girls Club’s Soul Restoration I class.

January

This is the only photo I’m including that’s not mine (credit underactive on Flickr) but it’s what best represents January to me. January 2011 is when I started this blog and shortly after that I started using this image in my header. I’ve had 2 other designs since, but this one is still “my” image. It remains my wallpaper on my laptop and I’m still getting gifts inspired by this image. I love it, and it will always represent this blog and what it has come to mean to me.

February

I took this photo as we were preparing to take off for Toronto from my hometown, which doesn’t get a lot of snow so de-icing is a rare requirement. This picture is not about the snow, though. It’s about the trip, and not because it was memorable but because it wasn’t. In thinking about February I knew I had travelled for work but I couldn’t remember where I’d gone. And even now, I barely remember that trip, except that I forgot to pack underwear. It was the start of my realizing something within me had fundamentally changed over the last couple of years, and not in a good way.

March

The happenings in March—including this visit to the antenatal assessment unit—were the precursor to what happened next and what my year has become. On the current path of my life this yellow hallway was the start line. It was where I went to see the psychiatrist who put me on the medication that almost killed me (and that, incidentally, also probably saved my life). I will never, ever forget this hallway.

April

In April I plummeted. Crashed and burned. And this room is where I ended up. No, not a psych ward, but the guest room of a friend’s place. She was out of town and kindly offered me a sanctuary when I badly needed to run and hide. At the beginning of a 4 1/2 month leave from work I spent a few days here, awake late into the nights before finally taking a shrink-prescribed pill that knocked me out completely for at least 12 hours. When I think of the me who spent time in this room I barely recognize her. This grainy picture from my BlackBerry isn’t one I’ve published before, but I took it because I wanted to remember this room. When I look at this picture now all I feel is unending gratitude for that time and space and my friend’s generosity.

May

By May I had scraped myself up off the floor and was riding a yo-yo. Yearning to be better but mostly bouncing between desperate depression and feeling nothing. I walked. A lot. On the day I took this picture I decided it was time to start looking at what was around me again.

June

June was the start of the road that let me where I am now, though I didn’t know it at the time. “We could move to Alberta,” my husband said, and shortly after that we went to Calgary for my sister’s graduation. This picture was taken at the Calgary Zoo and I remember enjoying the visit while one question reverberated around my brain: “Am I ever going to feel better?” And yet, at the same time, I started to really see myself again.

July

In July I had had enough. Enough of being on leave from work, enough of being drugged all the time and enough of feeling like a mental patient. I started to explore going back to work, but my psychiatrist wasn’t so keen. I was annoyed at the time but when I look at this picture I remember that she was right. My husband took Connor out one day so I could have some quiet time alone in the house. It was badly needed, but when he sent me this picture all I could think was that I should be there with them. But at that point early in the month I just couldn’t. When I look at this picture I think about how I missed out on so much time with my son. Not just months, but years.

August

By August I had taken a stand. I fired my psychiatrist, weaned myself off the sedating anti-anxiety medication (note: don’t try that at home – much better to have a doctor’s advice and know what you’re getting in to), and scheduled my return to work. But first I went to BlogHer ’11. It was totally amazing – incredible and life-changing.

I got myself back.

(Clockwise: Lizz, Galit, Natalie, me, Jessica, Mad Woman at BlogHer in San Diego)

September

In September I turned the focus back on others and streaked my hair blue in support of suicide prevention (and my friend Cristi, who is tireless in her efforts to raise awareness). In the end, there were many #bluebloggers who did this, including my mother.

But that’s not all! September was so monumental it deserves two photos. This is my baby on his first day of preschool. I just love this kid.

October

In October we did it – after a month of prep work we put our house up for sale so we could move to Calgary. It sold in less than two weeks and we haven’t looked back.

November

In November we made a quick trek here, bought a house in one day and moved into it less than a month later. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing, right?. (Smart cookie, that Helen Keller was.)

December

And here we are at the end of the year, living in snow and sunshine. Our whole world has shifted and we couldn’t be happier about it.

As I sit here now, late on the evening of Christmas Day, I will admit to looking back at this year with some emotion. I’m aware every day, around every turn and with every breath of crisp winter air, that life is different. That I am different. That I’m not where I thought I would be. But it’s been a while since I really looked back at where I was.

2011 was hard. Gut-wrenching, tear-stained, and really, really hard. But ultimately oh so good. As we finish out this year I’m so, so grateful and unbelievably excited about what 2012 will bring.

What about you?