Pride in the Name of Doing It All Again

A few days ago I read a post by my friend Jenn. She wrote about how being a mom with depression can sometimes suck and when I saw the title of her post I thought, You bet it does. And it does, there’s no doubt about it. But Jenn’s post was actually about more than that.

…this post is not about parenting with depression it is about parenting after getting help for it. You see, there are still days that I can feel the effects of my depression on my parenting.

Oh lady, I so know what you mean.

As I sit here, nauseated and with a burgeoning belly, I think back to my last pregnancy. I remember thinking how amazing it was going to be to have a child and what a wonderful mother I would be. I thought about soft blankets and small toes and a warm baby asleep on my chest. I thought about how romantic it would be to get up with a tiny baby in the stillness of the night.

I thought, in other words, about all the things most about-to-be-mothers think about. What I did not think about, however, was how it might not be like that and how I would not be able to control how I responded to all that hard.

I did not think about how I actually don’t always get to choose the kind of mother I want to be.

Like Jenn said, I feel as though my experience with PPD has forever altered the type of mom I am.

I thought I would spend time dreaming up activities to do with my kids instead of being scared to plan something only to have it go sideways and not be able to cope with that.

I thought I’d be attentive to their nutritional needs, always ensuring they got a wide variety of things to eat, not making Kraft Dinner with ketchup on the side because it’s the only thing I have the energy to make.

I thought I’d be good at playing and didn’t expect to be left with a post-PPD desire for me time that kicks and flails and insists on being acknowledged to the detriment of “good mother” priorities.

However… that’s all just for context and not really what this post is about. I’ve been doing okay (better, anyway) in some areas so today I figured I’d link up with Charity for her Mother’s Pride Blog Carnival and acknowledge some of the things I think are going well. Or better than before, anyway.

I’ve been doing bath time without feeling like it’s a major energy suck and something I have to work up to doing.

I’ve been doing better at redirecting behaviour like yelling or throwing things without feeling like I’m going to snap.

I’m a little better at playing. Sometimes.

I’m pretty good at doing countdowns so we can eat lunch/leave an activity/get to bed without any meltdowns.

I’m better at asking for help.

And while I’m on the subject of pride, I’m very proud of my son for adapting well to his new school and for his insatiable curiosity and inspiring confidence when it comes to Lego, and very proud of my husband for picking up the slack while I focus on not puking everywhere.

So that’s what I’m proud of, even though I’m not the mom I thought I was going to be. But is any of us? Are you?

 

mothers-pride-button

10 Days of Mama

It’s been 10 days. 11, I guess. Today is the 11th day.

He had the flu about a week and a half ago – 11 days ago, I guess – and we did all the usual things through a day or so with a sick little boy. I wore my Mama Who Has Been Barfed On badge again with pride and enjoyed the cuddles – warm and soft and in the normal range of worrisome. Which is to say not terribly.

Then the abdominal pain started and by 4 am a week ago Sunday we were in the ER. No parents want to learn their child’s appendix has burst the hard way.

The ER was quiet that morning. No one else in the pediatric area but us. Waybuloo is only slightly less weird at four in the morning; those Brits were definitely on something.

No appendectomy required. A bit dehydrated, even though he drinks Pedialyte like it’s juice, and home we went.

That was only the second in a series of sleepless nights.

Tonight will be the 11th night. We have pushed through a brief road trip (if a very long drive – there and back in six days – can be considered brief), a house purchase, and a few quick visits.

We are home, but he is not better. He has been, off and on. Enough that we felt it was okay to make the trip. Enough that he played in the snow on Friday. Enough that he went to school yesterday.

But he is not better, and the morning at school was apparently weepy with repeated requests for Mama. When Grandma and Grandpa picked him up, he went home with them and slept. For more than an hour. (Very unusual.) Daddy had to go and pick him up.

Mama came home, and the pieces of velcro connected again. We have been this way – attached – for 10 days. Or 11 now, I guess. He wants me and stays close, his soft hair tickling my chin and his small fingers rubbing my wrist.

This is what I know:

His toddler tummy fits right in the palm of my hand.

It is warm and soft and it soothes me.

Rubbing his tummy only sometimes soothes him.

He has a spot – a specific place he likes to be. Between my chin and collarbone, shoulder tucked under my right arm as it wraps around him.

This has been his place for months now. It’s where he comes when he wants a cuddle. It’s where he sleeps when he’s sick. It’s where he fits.

Except he doesn’t. He’s getting tall, and his gangly limbs struggle to find a place to land. His head bumps against my chin as he looks for his spot, refusing to acknowledge that he doesn’t fit the same way as before.

He wants me to fix him, except I can’t. He’s blocked, I think, so nothing terribly worrisome now either except that my baby’s in pain. We’ve tried the usual remedies – applesauce, prune juice, warm baths. We’ve tried worse, and had it work, except not fully. And now, on the 11th day, he doesn’t want any of that.

He just wants Mama.

Tomorrow Daddy will take him to the doctor to see if she can help. Mama will go to work, again, and turn on the bright lights, again, in hopes they will keep her awake. She will take ibuprofen for her shoulder – the one that loves holding her boy but is tired, and is sending waves of stabbing pain running up and down her neck between her ears and her shoulder in protest.

Tomorrow is day 12. He might still want Mama, but hopefully, for everyone’s sake, he won’t need her quite so much.

 

Freely written and linked up with:



On the Move: Sharing a Letter at Letters for Lucas

One day many months ago, I saw a Twitter conversation between two bloggers I sort of knew. They were talking about wanting more comments on their posts, so I barged in and said I’d be happy to give them some comment love. One of those people was Tonya from Letters for Lucas.

I was pretty much a total newbie at the time, so I didn’t realize how awesome Tonya is. I’d read (and liked) her blog before but when we made a sort of bloggers’ pact to leave comments for each other I started reading every one of her posts. I quickly discovered just what a beautiful soul she is (especially considering she was a more popular blogger than I but was nothing but nice to me!).

When I went to BlogHer ’11 in August, Tonya and I shared a room for one night. I would gladly spend much more time with this dear friend, but am grateful for that night, a very long conversation, and the opportunity to get to know her better.

Tonya has a new series on her blog called Letters for You, and I was incredibly flattered when she asked me to contribute to it. That’s where I am today, writing a letter to my daughter.

Yes, my daughter.

Intrigued? Come and visit me there.

Letters for You series button

 

Comments closed. Please come talk to me at Tonya’s!

 

Creating Hallowe’en

The celebrations and holidays of summer are behind us and September is just around the corner. I know what’s coming next, if only because the decorations in the stores – on the shelves for weeks now – encourage us to do it up right.

Hallowe’en.

The stores have lined their shelves with candy already, tempting us to buy early and be prepared, knowing we’ll eat it all within the week and have to buy more.

I’m not falling for it.

The decorations have surfaced, as frightening (and kitschy) as ever, encouraging us to let spiders dance on doorways and make ghosts watch from windows.

Sooner or later I will buy some, to add to our growing collection, because it’s fun and I know Connor will be into it this year.

And then there are the costumes.

They hang from rods, on plastic hangers in their plastic packaging, many made from plastic themselves.

I knew nothing of store-bought costumes as a kid. My mom – ever devoted, ever creative – made our costumes herself and in doing so set a standard I never thought to question.

Until I had a child, that is.

And realized I couldn’t sew (and had no desire to learn).

On Connor’s first Hallowe’en, we went back and forth on whether to get him a costume. He was just over four months old at the end of October – not exactly trick or treating age. But we wanted to dress him up. My husband, never one to cheat on anything that provides an artistic opportunity, was determined to make a bumblebee costume. We searched for basics to form the costume core and accessories to bee-ify him. Nothing was quite right for my husband’s standards and so we abandoned the effort. Shortly before the big day, I came across a costume on a classifieds site – it was a good price for an absurdly cute ladybug costume from Old Navy, so I bought it.

Yes, he’s a boy. I didn’t care. That costume was cute.

Toddler dressed as Yoda for HalloweenCome October 31 I stuffed my son into it and dragged him down to a local children’s store for their Hallowe’en party. It was great, except for the part where my son screamed through the whole thing. I gave up, stripped the ladybug off him (without even getting a picture) and took him home, where we spent the evening desperately trying to get the dog not to bark every time the doorbell rang (a useless effort at the best of times, never mind on Hallowe’en with all its tricks).

By the second year I realized any desire my husband had to make something had long since faded when, much to my surprise, he came home with a yoda costume. From a store. I thought it was great because it gave us the opportunity to spend many hours practicing our yoda impressions.

“Wear a store-bought costume, you will. No crafty bone in her body, your mother has.”

Yoda Halloween costume with a red clown wigYou get the point.

Anyway, aside from that added bonus it was cute, which was the new standard. And it looked pretty good with a red clown wig, too.

Then last year a Spiderman costume caught my husband’s eye, confirming our abandonment of any pretence about making a costume ourselves.

This year is no different. I came home one day several weeks ago to find a very happy small boy dressed as a fireman. He and his dad had been out and found this costume in a store. With a fireman a clear choice for a costume, they bought it. And so it hangs in the closet downstairs, awaiting its turn to parade around the block.

I had no involvement in the procurement of this costume. I didn’t help my child come up with the idea. I didn’t sew a single stitch. I didn’t even buy it – on its plastic hanger in its plastic packaging – and bring it home so my toddler could look forward to being a fireman for Halloween.

I can’t sew, and I don’t want to. I might get out my black eyeliner and help him look coal-smudged and authentic, but that’s about the extent of it.

I loved my Hallowe’en costumes as a kid. Looking back, knowing how much time and love went into creating them, I remember them especially fondly. But I’m not going to make costumes for my kids. That’s not the sort of mom I am.

What I will do – like my mom did with us – is help my son get dressed on Hallowe’en and walk with him up and down our street delighting in our neighbours’ decorations. I will watch his face as he collects candy in his bag for doing nothing except showing up on someone’s doorstep (and looking cute). When our doorbell rings, I will run with him down the hall and admire the other kids’ costumes – not caring where or how they got them – and then let him choose a candy bar to add to their haul.

That’s the sort of mom I am. And it is enough.

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Hello, Inspiration – The Matter of Motherhood

Saturday. I am at home alone with my son for the day, for the first time in weeks. Months? A long time. For the first time since the day that precipitated this and this.

This is significant. How the day turns out matters – not just because I don’t want to have a bad day. It’s so much bigger than that.

***

We had friends over to play this morning – a girl Connor’s age who he’s known since he was weeks old. She is quiet and focused. He, generally, is not. Today he was buzzing, like a balloon you’ve blown up but not tied off so that when you let it go it flies everywhere, impossible to catch and making that pppbbbbttttpppphhhh noise as it releases all the energy inside.

A small part of me thought, really, Universe? Today? You couldn’t ease me back in?

It was not to be.

He only napped for 45 minutes, then got up and commenced whining and falling over on the floor.

I took him out of the house, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to manage at home all afternoon with him like that. It was a risk. I’ve done it before on rough days and had it blow up, quite spectacularly, in my face.

He wasn’t a whole lot better out in public but bribes for toddlers work wonders, though not magic. We still had meltdowns, throwing things, attempts to break things and running away in a store where I had to leave my wallet at the counter to chase him down.

But you know what? We made it. I talked. I redirected. I negotiated. I used positive reinforcement and when that didn’t work I took his new truck away. He got the message and we got home without anyone getting an arm ripped off.

I did it. And what I did today will help me do so much more.

***

Show me something I’ve never seen before; a treasured photograph of your grandparents or a handkerchief your father wore in his lapel.

Take me somewhere I’ve never been; a place where the land meets the sea, the breeze is cool and your mind calms.

Sing me the same soothing lullaby night after night; the one that helps ease my fears and dream vividly.

Let me make mistakes and learn as I go, no matter how difficult it may be for you to witness.

Guide me through life as though you were my tour guide, exposing me to places near and far but always emphasizing the importance of home.

Show me something I’ve never seen before, mom.

***

As a mother, my job is to take care of my son. To feed him. To comfort him. To love him.

But my job is also to teach him about the world and to introduce him to new things and new experiences. To help him develop the skills to interact appropriately with others. To teach him patience and respect and kindness.

My job is to help him make sense of the world so he can grow up to be the sort of person who helps the world make sense.

In the past I’ve had trouble doing that. At times it’s taken every ounce of energy I have. Some days I’ve felt like I’m faking it.

I’m going to have bad days. We all are. But for me there’s a difference between a normal bad day and a day where I drown in motherhood and forget that every parent has a bad day now and then and it’s not just me and it’s not because I can’t do it.

Yesterday was not a bad day. It was frustrating at times and tiring, apparently, because I lay down for a few minutes at 5:00 and slept, not hearing anything including my husband telling me dinner was ready, until 7.

Yesterday was a good day. And as I sat in the evening quiet, I read a really beautiful post by Tonya from Letters for Lucas. The italicized section above is excerpts from that post and Tonya kindly agreed to let me use them. I encourage you to go and read the whole thing. I guarantee it will inspire you. It inspired me, because it sums up exactly why finding my ability to be a mother matters.