my wish for you Archives

The Two Thieves

November 6, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

I’ll always remember a certain piece of advice my mom gave me years and years ago:

You’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than the things you did.

I’m not sure I really understood it at first. I was, at the time, young enough to be focused on all the things I hated about myself. (I’ve since grown older and wiser.) I did something embarrassing at school and regretted it. I didn’t study hard enough for that math test and regretted it (even though I certainly didn’t want a do-over). All those things I thought meant something.

As I got older I started to realize what my mom meant. All those things contribute to a life and are part of what make me who I am (do not ask me to do math, I beseech you). But I’ve long since learned they aren’t what’s important.

What’s important is what we choose to do – deliberately and with purpose, no matter how hard it may be. And in thinking about the things I might not do because I’m scared, I came to understand what my mom meant about regretting the things you don’t do more than the things you do. I thought it was brilliant and therefore so was she.

When I look back, there are many things that were hard or embarrassing or just plain awful, but I don’t actually regret any of them.

Image credit: Steve-h on Flickr

I don’t regret my weeks of being homesick at the beginning of a four-month exchange I went on to Germany when I was 15. It taught me that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

I don’t regret choosing a university closer to home instead of a more adventurous-sounding one across the country. That choice led me to my husband and the family I have now.

I don’t regret sticking with a job I initially hated. It gave me some really good experience and a foundation for what I want in my work.

Sometimes I wish I had tried harder to get Connor to sleep when he was a baby, but I don’t actually know if it would have helped. In any case, wishing won’t make it so.

I don’t even regret my horrible experience with PPD. I don’t regret the agony or the anger, the misery, the number of doctors I saw without getting a diagnosis or even the horrible psychiatrist. I don’t regret having to take time off work or spending a few months on a bunch of different medications so I could get through each day, minute by minute. That experience has taught me about life, myself, what I value, and what I can do when I do what’s right.

I certainly don’t regret anything I’ve posted on this blog.

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves – regret for the past and fear of the future.”
~ Fulton Oursler

And now I’m about to enter a new phase. We’ve been discussing this move for a long time – years, actually, even if only in a hypothetical, wouldn’t-it-be-great-if kind of way. One of the reasons we didn’t do it before was fear. My fear. But I think it’s time to do it.

It’s nerve-wracking to have so much change all at once, especially after a period of instability. But I’m okay with that. I think the change will be a good thing, and now that we’ve bought a house and know where we’re going to be three weeks from now I’m getting totally excited.

But I’m still scared. I’m scared to be that far from my parents, even if it (hopefully) turns out to be temporary if they move as well. I’m worried about having made a decision that will mean Connor won’t see his grandparents regularly, and that they won’t see him.

That’s the part that makes me feel sick to my stomach. Not the move, not the job, not leaving everything else that has been my world for so long. It’s my parents – their support and their time with my son. But I think we have to do it. I think it’s the right thing to do. So I’ll accept the fear in place of regret. The two thieves – I’ll avoid one by embracing the other.

And live with no regrets.

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Filed Under: Be enough me, Hello, Inspiration, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: Be enough me, gratitude, living life, my wish for you

Impromptu Gratitude List, v1

October 12, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

After spending the better part of the last week totally cranky, I decided it was time to force the happy back. I’ve been better in the last couple of days (and thank you so much to those of you who have checked in on me) and would like to take the time to note some things I’m grateful for.

Last month I started creating a gratitude list every night in my journal while taking Karen Walrond’s Chookooloonks Path Finder course. I liked ending my day that way, but then things got busy and I stopped for a bit. And then last week during the crankies, when I particularly needed to find things to be grateful about, I couldn’t. Or maybe I didn’t want to.

In any case, grateful is better than grumpy so here’s an impromptu gratitude list to serve as my reminder to focus on the good.

My very clean and entirely clutter-free house. It was nail-breakingly painful to get it to this point, but I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
A very good number of showings on above-mentioned very tidy house, which seems like a good sign.
A dinner-time showing tonight while Connor was at my parents’ house, which gave my husband and I the chance to have an impromptu date night.
Parents who willingly and happily help out.
Finding a sale on jeans the same week I tore a very big hole in the knee of the only pair I have that still fit me.
Discovering I still fit the same size jeans (even when not well worn and stretched out), which I also take to be a good sign.
Chocolate ice cream (especially given #6).
Cozy spa socks at night.
Knowing there are people interested in our house but not feeling pressured to accept conditional offers at this point, giving me time to get over some of my sad feelings about selling this house.
My intuition, which has never been a terribly good compass for me but seems to be doing better lately. Despite the hugeness of this change, I still think it’s the right thing to do. And I’m trusting my intuition again when it tells me a certain job, which I may or may not get offered, isn’t the right one for me. If I get the opportunity I’m going to decline and trust that doing so will keep me on the right path.
Really amazing blog and Twitter friends. I must figure out what I did to deserve you so I can do it again in my next life.
A couple of days where my little boy was very cuddly.
Friends who bring me homemade cookies.
Having a puppy for a shadow, especially one who is typically daddy’s boy.
Being able to brainstorm an idea with my husband and plan a project around it. (Oh please, oh please let us figure out a way to make this work!)
Winning a blog design. Whee!

I’m going to go back to writing a list (even a short one) in my journal every night. Do you keep a gratitude list? Do you find it makes you more aware of the things you’re thankful for? I’m betting it will for me.

Filed Under: Happy things · Tagged With: gratitude, lists, my wish for you, perspective

Blue

October 11, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

With some distance, I wonder what Connor will think of all this when he’s older.

Will he understand my struggle?

Will he think it was about him?

Will he be embarrassed that I put this much of it out there?

I don’t think he will.

In fact I’m willing to bet he won’t.

You see, we know it’s okay now.

One day, long after her streaks have faded, he will come across a picture of his Grandma – my mom – with blue hair.

He will see a newspaper article with a picture of her – blue hair and all – sitting between his dad and I.

And he will know what that brilliant shock of blue means: It’s okay to ask for help.

And if he asks I’ll give him nothing but love.

Just like my mother did for me.

With thanks to Paul and the staff at Chamberlain Walk hair salon for supporting my mom’s fundraising for mental health and suicide prevention.

If you’d like to make a contribution you can do that here. If my mom raises $4000 she’ll dye her whole head blue (and I really, really want to see that).

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Music in the video is “Blue” by July for Kings. Lovely, isn’t it?

Filed Under: Better world, Happy things, Motherhood, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: community, family, gratitude, hope, love, my wish for you, we're not alone

Where I’m From

September 21, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

I am from homemade Playdoh in blue and green, from the endless possibilities of Brio trains, and multi-coloured afghans hand knit with love.

I am from beach houses, suburban houses, and the house of many trees, each one a home complete with dogs and dance recitals.

I am from my mother’s mountain, a freshwater spring spilling on to the sand, and a John Denver soundtrack on long drives between the two.

I am from summers at the pool and advent calendars at Christmas, from Rileys and Birds and the traits of the Nelsons.

I am from Calvin and Hobbes quoted at the dinner table and laughing so hard milk comes out your nose.

From you have your mother’s eyes and I’m going to drive with my eyes closed so tell me if we’re going to hit something.

I am from a belief system that knows kids and clothes can be washed and that little girls are more valuable than family treasures accidentally broken.

I’m from a hospital nestled in the foothills, tourtière on Christmas Eve and school lunches that were the envy of classmates, they who wore kilts and blazers and heard pull your socks up and dangly earrings aren’t allowed. (I wore them anyway.)

From boats and salt water oceans, a mother’s hand warm from her tea, and the man who summoned emergency personnel with a practical joke, prompting a fondly-recalled story in the newspaper 25 years later.

I am from fat, brown photo albums, artwork and photos above computers and a do-anything-for-you kind of love reflected in a lifetime of knowing what it is to have a family.

family photo of children playing in the sand

The beach house where the spring water flowed into the ocean. (That's me on the left. The 4th sibling came later.)

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With thanks to Mama Kat for the prompt using this template based on this original work, which I’d seen before but had not yet been inspired to try.

And with sincere apologies to my mother if I’ve made her cry (again).

Filed Under: Be enough me, Happy things, Writing · Tagged With: Be enough me, family, favourite activities, gratitude, living life, love, my wish for you, photos

First Day of Preschool

September 13, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

I thought I wouldn’t be emotional dropping Connor off for his first day of preschool, I really did. (You’d think I hadn’t met me, wouldn’t you? I’m a crier.)

Now, I’m not saying I did cry. But it’s possible I had something in my eye and had to sneak to the back of the classroom and go into the bathroom to get it out.

I blame the damn classroom, actually. It looked like a classroom. I was thinking he was just going to preschool, so what’s the big deal? It’s not any different than dino camp, right?

Right.

Except we got in there and it totally looked like a classroom and I realized my big little boy is going to school.

It didn’t help that he was nervous. We had some cuddles before the door opened and then when it did and all the kids started going inside, he wanted up. And I didn’t want to carry him into preschool. I thought for a minute we were going to have a meltdown right there outside the building, but I got smart. I convinced him to take my hand and give his other hand to Daddy. He went for it, so we all held hands and walked into preschool together.

It’s too bad that speck of dust got in my eye and I had to regroup in the bathroom.