The Universe Archives -

Explore: 2013

January 3, 2013 by Farewell Stranger ·

I first chose a word for the year (“seek”) in 2011 and, boy, did that turn out to be the right word. Then last year my word was “vibrant” and I’ve decided, upon reflection, that it was the right word.

I’m notoriously non-committal when it comes to “inspirational” stuff like this. I hear about a concept that I like and jump on board, but then my interest wanes or, more commonly, I end up unsure if I’m really on the right track. Either way, I can usually be counted on to give it a few weeks and then move on to something else.

Not with this whole one-word-for-the-year thing.

I’m not big on setting resolutions (another thing I was very good at abandoning almost immediately). I think it’s because resolutions tend to be things that I feel I should do (or shouldn’t do, in some cases) and shoulding is really not a terribly useful way to get motivated. But, I’ve discovered, I’m all over putting something out there and being open to seeing what comes of it.

In that spirit, my word for this year is EXPLORE.

My chosen word came to me sooner and more easily than in previous years. It was just there, and there was no question about whether it’s the right word. It just is.

I want to explore all kinds of things – items on my life list, writing opportunities, my writing here. I want to get to know our new(ish) community better – it’s lovely and pretty and so close to so many things I want to dip my figurative toe into. I want to find my running spirit in this new, snow-filled environment. I want to take more trips — nearby and possibly farther away — and I want to spend more time in the mountains just breathing.

I want to continue to keep in touch with dear friends from back home and find new ways to connect with them on a regular basis, because they lift me up. They were sent into my life for a reason and I’m not going to let geography push them out of it.

I also want to figure out my relationship with Connor. I haven’t written a lot about it aside from the delight of his four-year-oldness, but I’m struggling and the voice in my head is whispering that if I don’t do something about it I could become irreparably disconnected from my beloved first boy.

So that’s my word. Explore.

See you out there.

One word image courtesy the very generous Melanie at Only a Breath. Want one? She’s offering one word buttons now (and not just for bloggers).

Filed Under: Hello, Inspiration · Tagged With: living life, One word, The Universe

Reset

April 9, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

The last couple of weeks have been rough. After Michael’s accident we had family members flying all over the place, which my anxiety really didn’t like (especially when it involved putting my 72-year-old father on a plane for a 24-hour trip to Australia). He got there all right, but then Michael passed away and we started an overwhelming game of Should We or Shouldn’t We Go to Australia for the Funeral.

We didn’t go.

It was agonizing. I couldn’t imagine not going, and yet I couldn’t quite figure out how we’d make it work either. I’ve been so sick so far this pregnancy that a 24-hour trip seemed like the World’s Worst Idea. I could have gone, of course, and would have, but we also didn’t want to totally overwhelm everyone by showing up a day before the funeral with a three-year-old in tow.

In the end, we decided we will be the second wave of support and go down in a few weeks (with my other sister) when things have calmed down and my sister and brother-in-law are trying to adjust to their new normal. In the meantime, we’ve sent texts and messages—by the hundreds, it seems—and if waves of love can reach that far they’ll have had an ocean’s worth.

Now the funeral is done. Friends and family have spoken words of love and Michael’s school mates formed an honour guard for him as he left the cemetery. Those of us here have had our own moment to remember him and we now exist in that space between blessed closure and enduring disbelief. We continue to ask why, but an answer never comes.

Until today, half of my family was in Australia (more than half, actually). My brother also went for a quick down-and-back to help my dad and youngest sister travel comfortably home. (Working for an airline has its benefits.) Much to everyone’s relief, they’re just arriving home after another 24-hour trip in a very short span of time.

There is no pause button in this life. And try as I might, I haven’t been able to find any sort of rewind button either. So for the moment, I have chosen to hit reset. Instead of being in perpetual limbo—waiting for what?—I declared Easter weekend a weekend to go out of town. We got out of the house, where we’ve been sitting waiting for the phone to ring or the next text message to wing its way across the world, and spent some time in the mountains.

More on that later, but in the meantime I’ll say this: It helped.

Filed Under: Hard things · Tagged With: anxiety, family, perspective, The Universe, weekends

On Life, Loss and the Universe’s Math

March 28, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

My nephew Michael was born a little while after my Nana passed away in the early 90s. I remember at the time thinking it was an odd minus-one, plus-one situation. Some sort of weird cosmic math where one is taken away to make room for another.

When I was pregnant with Connor, my cousin took her own life. It was shocking. Horrifying. But, maybe because of the overlap (I was already pregnant), that time I didn’t think about the math.

Yesterday, Michael was in a serious car accident and he’s now in a coma. He and his family—my sister—live in Australia and they feel so very far away. They are so very, very far away. And I sit here, three months pregnant, feeling helpless and wondering why the universe seems to require things to be just so perfectly balanced.

Michael is young, having just finished high school. He’s smart, athletic, and cute. He’s also a really, really nice kid. Why does he have to have his life threatened when others are allowed to live on and contribute nothing to the world except pain and anguish? Why does that perfectly balanced math have to come from within my own family?

It just makes me think. Connor climbed into bed with me early this morning, curving his small body into mine. He was restless, though, as was I after a night of lying awake and wondering about things bigger than I that I don’t understand. My small boy pressed his cool cheek against mine and rubbed my wrist. I felt his soft hair and his little fingers and the in-and-out of his quiet breathing.

I kept him with me there in the quiet darkness of a day not yet begun and wondered how I can keep him safe. But I can’t. Ultimately—ironically, unfairly—none of us can do that for our children.

We just have to hope the universe isn’t quite so picky with the math.

Filed Under: Hard things · Tagged With: anxiety, family, hope, The Universe

Birthday Reflections

December 20, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

One year ago I turned 36. 355 days ago I started this blog.

On neither of those days did I have any idea what the upcoming year would bring.

Sometime last year I developed a 7-year plan. At some point this year it went completely out the window.

It’s not that those goals aren’t important to me, but that plan was focused on one specific thing: moving overseas to work for an international company. In some ways the events of the last year derailed the timing of that 7-year plan (because it included kids being a certain age, and because of the struggles of this last year the second hypothetical child hasn’t even been shipped yet).

We all know we can dream up all the timelines we want, but that’s just not how life works. In any case, it’s not just the timing. It’s that I have learned there’s more out there than one grand adventure. (And while I have a new job—that I love, even if I’m only on day 3—I’m about 60% less motivated by work than I was at this time last year.) I’d still love to do that someday, don’t get me wrong, but this last year stopped me, spun me around, and shoved me down another path.

And here I am, a year later, standing on that path looking at snow and sunsets and thinking thank God.

One thing is for sure: I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.

Today* is my 37th birthday and I’m not even going to try to plan where I’m going in the coming year. I’m just going to enjoy the ride.

—–

*Wednesday that is. “Today” in blogging time.

I also got a wonderful birthday present from Katherine at Postpartum Progress (even though she didn’t know it was my birthday). I’m incredibly honoured to be included on this list of The Top 20 Writers on Postpartum Depression in 2011.

Filed Under: at Postpartum Progress, Happy things, Postpartum depression, Writing · Tagged With: gratitude, living life, perspective, The Universe

Dear Had-Enough Girl

December 11, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Last Wednesday was not a good day. In fact it was a bad day. A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.*

By that point we had been in our new house for a week and a half. We had no furniture except the bed we’d bought when we got here and while hanging out in an empty house with no furniture sounds kind of fun, it’s only actually fun for about a day and a half.

The people who lived here before us had a cat. A big, hairy one. I like cats, but I’m horribly allergic to them so being in the vicinity of a cat (or the evidence of a cat) for a prolonged period makes me fairly cranky. And this cat left evidence. There was cat hair everywhere, which we attempted to resolve by vacuuming and steam cleaning the carpets. And washing the windows because there was cat hair stuck to them. But then we discovered that the washing machine and dryer here do a lovely job of pasting cat hair to our clothes, and that was really the last straw.

By last Wednesday I was beyond cranky. I was downright miserable, and making life downright miserable for the two boys and one dog who live with me.

I had been trying to stave off the rage by tromping through snow and chasing sunsets but on Wednesday it wasn’t working. I was sick of the cat hair. I was sick of not having enough cutlery and enough towels. I was sick of someone else’s washer and dryer and desperately wanted to get our new ones delivered already.

I’d had enough.

And then—as it is wont to do—the Universe intervened.

First, a bit of backstory: Several months ago I subscribed to Daily Truths from the Brave Girls Club. (They’re called “A little bird told me…” How perfect is that?) More frequently than I would have expected that daily truth hit on exactly the thing I was struggling with. But then for some reason I stopped getting them. I tried to resubscribe but no dice. With everything else going on I didn’t worry about it, especially since I caught some of them on Facebook.

Anyway, on Wednesday evening, as I was starting to wonder exactly how hard it would be to invent a fast forward button for the bits of life I really didn’t want to have to live through, I saw one of those daily truths on Facebook. I normally skip over those when I’m in a bad mood, but I clicked on that one.

Those who wish to sing always find a song.

Artist: Sally Rose

“Dear Had-Enough Girl,” it said, and I knew it was talking to me.

“First, just take a second and breathe, ok?…deep deep deeply breathe in and out. Close your eyes for a second and remember that it’s ok if you feel completely overwhelmed at the tasks that are ahead for you… It’s okay if you want to throw a fit some days and let someone else be in charge.

So do it…throw a fit for a few minutes.”

I love unexpected messages that completely enable me.

And then kick me me in the pants.

“Now that you’ve got that out of your system…think for a minute about how you want the rest of the day…and tomorrow to go. How you really want to feel, what you really want to accomplish, where you really want to end up…and decide right this second that you are going to do ONE THING to take a step in that direction.”

All right, little bird. Message received. Time to take a deep breath and get my priorities straight.

Thursday was MUCH better.

*With thanks to Judith Viorst for such a perfect descriptor.

If you like, you can read that daily truth in its entirety.

Do you have a source of daily inspiration? Does it ever hit the nail on the head?