Hope Notes

Leave a hope note for someone to find, said the instructions from my Dreaming Big course. Put something good into the world. So I did.

A library book that needed to be returned.

It seemed appropriate.

I had cut out the notes provided.

I put them at the beginning of chapters.

And I started to realize the notes seemed to match the chapter headings.

Will someone else trust this as I do?

It’s about having faith.

And trust.

No one ever is, even if it’s just a note from someone in a library book.

Will that person start to believe?

What dream will this spark?

C’mon, I dare you.

Then add your own ingredient. Start now. Don’t stop.

 

…I wonder who will find them?

 

Naked On the Side of the Road: A Story of Postpartum Psychosis

Earlier this year I sat down at my computer and read a story that left me in awe. It’s stuck with me ever since.

On a late Friday afternoon in October 2008, I was standing stark naked on the side of a DC highway, nearly facing death because of a mental illness I didn’t know I had.

It left me in awe because it was shocking. I had never actually heard the term “postpartum psychosis” even after news stories of mothers killing their children.

The delusions worsened.  I believed that my husband was the devil and that I was God.  I thought he was trying to trick me.  While talking with him on the phone, I answered his questions with questions, to avoid giving away where I was on the highway.  When helicopters flew overhead, I was convinced the world was going to end and that presidential nominees Barack Obama and John McCain were headed to DC to join forces and save the world.  I thought of a few ways I could help save the world: My husband and I could kill each other.  Or we could kill our children.  Or my parents.  Or I could get baptized by a friend.

But it also left me in awe because it was so brave. The above excerpts are just part of the story Heather Coleman shared on Postpartum Progress, and at the time I told her it was the bravest story I have ever read. She shared that experience to help others and so others could understand more about postpartum psychosis. She also told her story at Ignite DC. I encourage you to read the whole story or watch the video (or both) – I guarantee it will do something to change your perspective on life.

Heather is now trying to find the people who helped her that day so she can say thank you. Can you imagine what could have happened? I would want to say thank you as well, and I hope she’s successful in doing that.

As part of her effort, she has started a Facebook page to try to find those people. If you think you can help her, click that “like” button, would you? I did, and when her updates appear in my Facebook feed it’s another dose of inspiration from someone who went through something horrible and is using that experience to make the world a better place.

On the Move: Guest Posting at Not Super, Just Mom

Oh yeah! Almost forgot to tell you… Miranda of Not Super, Just Mom (one of my fave blog titles) is hosting her 2nd annual rally for mental health. She was looking for guest posters and as I’m always up for spewing my personal drama all over the Internet I was happy to participate. Plus, Miranda’s awesome. She’s one of the people-I’ve-never-met I like the most.

So go visit me! And while you’re there, look at some of the other posts. Great perspectives, and they all show why talking about this matters.

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Tomorrow Is Another Day

Yesterday, I blogged for Mental Health Day. And then in a fit of bravery, I posted the link to that post – and therefore to my blog – on my personal Facebook page, admitting what’s going on to another group of people.

And you know what? Today the world is still turning. Nobody called me crazy (at least not to my face.)

I was so scared to do that for so long, but it’s okay.

Throughout the day, there were reminders everywhere of how important mental health is. I mean, I’m aware of this all day every day, but yesterday was different.

I had an appointment with my therapist that was kind of hard. There’s something quite separate from my PPD that I’m struggling with right now, and she encouraged me to work on that. I don’t want to. I don’t even know how. I’m afraid that if I open that door it will be like opening a closet that’s been stuffed full of junk for years and years. Right now it’s only open enough for me to see what’s in there, but if I open it all the way the piled up junk is going to rain down on my head. I don’t feel ready to open it, but I might tomorrow. Maybe.

Then we were at friends’ last night for a barbecue, and Connor’s visit ended with a rather spectacular demonstration of Really Terrible Behaviour, so he was whisked home by dad. The good news is that while this incident caused a boatload of adrenaline to pump through me, I didn’t actually lose it. At other times I might have wanted to throw him across the yard, but that particular demon didn’t appear that time. Small steps.

Yesterday I also talked to some friends about depression – one who lives with it too and one who is struggling but finding it hard to let us help her. I want so badly to help, but I don’t want to push her either. (I’m still thinking about you, Ms. L. Take some time, but don’t hide for too long.)

The nightcap was a chat with my husband about this afternoon’s visit to the psychiatrist. I’m expecting her to tell me she wants me to stay on this medication for another two weeks. If she does, I’m also expecting her to tell me what that will help at this point. I don’t think it’s working and if I have to have one more anxiety attack or one more I-don’t-think-I-can-do-this-another-day sort of day, I’m going to take this precious medication and throw it out the window.

So yesterday I thought and wrote and talked a lot about mental health. Now I’m heading out to my appointment hoping someone will offer something that will give me a break for mine, because tomorrow is another day and I want it to be better.

New Day

The Truth About Mental Health

Mental Health Blog Party

Mental health issues are scary, right? If you have one, whatever you do DON’T ADMIT IT.

That’s the common philosophy, anyway. Why do we think that? Because we think that by not acknowledging the issue it will go away and no one will ever know we’re not perfect? Because we don’t want people to see us as weak or somehow less?

That’s what I thought, anyway.

I used to think mental health issues were scary. After dealing with my own and talking to others, I now find them a lot less scary.

I used to think people would see me as weak. After being open about it, I’ve discovered the exact opposite.

Right now I’m on leave from work to deal with an ongoing and very stubborn case of postpartum depression. My son is three. That’s a lot of crap, people. A lot of tears. A lot of yelling. A lot of pretending things were okay when in fact they were less okay than they had ever been.

When I first went on leave, I didn’t know what to say to the people I work with so I copped out with “spending time with family”. When it turned out my leave was going to be longer than the month I had indicated, I decided to fess up.

So I sent a note to my branch (about 10 or so of those people report to me) and to some others I work closely with. It took me several days to work up the nerve. And about 18 drafts in my head. And a few very deep breaths before I finally hit send. It’s one of the scariest things I’ve ever done.

What I expected was responses along the lines of, “Oh, I had no idea. Thanks for sharing. Wishing you well.”

What I got back was so much more than that – nothing but absolute support and sharing of their own personal stories.

Since it’s Mental Health Day I thought I’d share with you excerpts of some of the responses I got. A lot of these say really nice things about me, which I share not to make me sound awesome, but because sometimes these comments only come out this clearly when we tell people something honest and difficult about ourselves.

Here’s what some of them said:

“… I think the part of me that tends towards an emotional sensitivity gravitated towards the sensitivity and authenticity that is part of your nature. I think you’re an incredibly strong and wonderful person and I admire so much not only the way you lead but what you express of yourself, which is enlightened, passionate and straight from the heart. You make it easier for me to feel comfortable being my true self.”

“…What was not a surprise, and rather consistent over space and time, is your courage and ability to communicate and share your thoughts on a tough situation. As always, I’m blown away by your gift, to speak openly about something that is difficult to discuss. So thank you for sharing your story. Although it is tough to hear coming from someone you know (and can’t help them fix overnight), I would prefer to try and understand than to not know ….or worse be told something untrue.”

“I’m giving you a virtual high-five for sharing your story with me. Wow. Your courage is amazing. I’m honoured that you would share.”

“You are very brave and I am honoured that you shared this with me. It is so important to rip the veil off of the entrenched stigmas that keep us believing that we are less than perfect if we can’t just rise above.”

“…thanks so much for taking yourself and your health & your needs seriously and for being kind enough to share a little bit with people who care. You’re a fabulous role model, and I wish you exactly what you need to heal.”

“BRAVO, Robin! It’s a huge thing to come face to face with this issue and to take the time you need to deal, process, feel better, etc. That you would share this with us is also a significant step, and shows that you are serious about your leadership, as well as your efforts to heal.”

“You are a brave and incredible woman, Robin.  I had no idea about any of this. That you came forward with your personal news is inspiring and really shows me, and all of us here, about what real leadership and self-preservation mean. And those things are what really matter.”

I know other people’s mental health issues – and willingness to share that information – are different than mine. I’ve seen some people share anonymously. I’ve seen some share selectively. I’ve seen some blow the doors open and just tell people without worrying about what they’ll think.

As for me, at first I didn’t realize PPD is what I was dealing with. And then I told no one, for a long time. And then I told a few people, some of them at work, because I was just not coping and when you’re completely losing it at work on a regular basis people are bound to suspect something’s up. I preferred them to know the truth than to think I couldn’t handle my job.

Then, in January, I started blogging about it. It was a whim, and I had no idea how public that would make it. If you read my first post, you’ll see that my boss found my blog before I had even posted anything. But I kept going. And I told a few more people. And a few more. And I talked about it on the radio. And then, after a long time searching for the right thing to do, I decided to tell my whole team at work.

I still don’t tell everyone I know. I don’t post my blog posts on my personal page on Facebook…yet. But I’m getting there. And you know what? Talking about it has been empowering.

I know not everyone is comfortable sharing stuff like this. But if you’ve been thinking about it, maybe this will reassure you that it might just be okay. If you don’t want to share, that’s okay too.

Either way, your mental health matters and there are so many safe ways to get support. You can start by reading the stories being shared during this Mental Health Blog Party and the resources linked to by the bloggers participating. One thing I know for sure is one of the biggest steps in feeling better is knowing you’re not alone.