Robin | Farewell Stranger

1, 2, 3, 4

May 2, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

I haven’t written much about my medication, especially after this recent change (which has me on – you guessed it – four different meds). Despite having talked before about what I was on, for some reason I’m reluctant right now. Partly because I’m starting to seriously feel like a mental patient, but also because the transition has been really rough and, frankly, people probably don’t need to know what things are like right now unless they have to witness it firsthand (ahem, sorry dear husband).*

So in the spirit of laughing about it, here’s a peek into my current medicinal routine (with some creative liberties taken) courtesy of (with apologies to?) Feist. Revised lyrics below.

(What? I like the Sesame Street version. Shuddup.)

One, two, three, four
Meds that I do not adore
I hate counting
Counting to the number four

Oh you’re counting
Counting with me
To one less than five
And one more than three

Oh oh oh, we’re counting to four
Oh oh oh, let’s count some more

One, two, three, four
Pills that I cannot ignore
I hate counting
Counting to the number four

I see four here
I see four there
They’re always around
I’m always aware

One, two, three, four
Meds that I do not adore

Whoa, counting to four
Whoa, counting to four

Counting to four

*Obligatory disclaimer: meds are not evil. They’re helping – I think – but this transition has been harder than others and the bedtime one makes it rather hard to function in the morning. The good thing about that is that I’m off work so it’s okay if I’m passed out until noon. The bad thing is that it’s a bit like a daily hangover with an undisclosed side effect: falling down – and up – the stairs. Or maybe that’s just operator error...

Filed Under: Postpartum depression · Tagged With: meds

Hello, Inspiration – Inaugural Edition

May 1, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

I’m normally the sort of person who is inspired by all kinds of things. Music, images or beautiful photos, but particularly words and ideas. Not ideas like, “Hey, skinny jeans would be fabulous!” More like this sort of thing:

Lately there have been times when I don’t see the light or the magic or the possibility in anything. This is not a feeling I enjoy. So I’m going to take action. I’m going to start noticing things. I’m going to start looking for things. Some of these things will be writing I appreciate or a beautiful view that makes me pause and think about what’s going on outside my own head.

I’m going to start something new and share some of these things every Sunday. Since my current journey is Farewell, Stranger I’m going to call this new weekly series Hello, Inspiration.

So here are some things that have inspired me this week:

I discovered Good Enough is the New Perfect, and liked it so much I submitted my own story. Since I have issues with trying to be perfect, the idea of opening up the dialogue on how working moms (and any moms, I’d argue) can redefine success by specifically tackling the idea of perfection is fabulous. (I really want a t-shirt but, oy vey, the shipping to Canada is absurd. They must transport it on the back of an endangered species or something.)

***

A few weeks ago I started browsing around Pinterest again after abandoning my sad little boards for a while. I found one cool thing and then another and ended up creating a board of things that inspire me. You might, er, notice a theme (for the moment anyway).

***

Another thing I’ve recently discovered is Velvet Verbosity. Really interesting site from a writing perspective, including the 100 Word Challenge.

***

So that’s a few things for starters. What has inspired you recently?

Filed Under: Postpartum depression · Tagged With: blogging

Fledgling Friday

April 28, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

It’s the Royal Wedding edition of Fledgling Friday! Okay, so I’m not a superfan, but we are PVRing all 19 hours of it (or however long it all goes on for). I hope all you new bloggers will be able to find time to link up this week in between sips of tea at your 4 am party or tomorrow after you nap off the royalty hangover.

Filed Under: Fledgling Fridays · Tagged With: community, spreading the love

Helping Me Find My Inner “Good Mom”

April 28, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

“Write about a woman who helped you,” was the request, but who among the countless options to choose? I could write about my mother, who probably tops that list. But I did that recently. I could write about my sisters, but I can’t yet adequately articulate the gratitude I feel for what they’ve done for me. So I’m going to write about someone else – someone who helped me just this morning, in fact.

Yael Saar has actually been helping me in the virtual world for a while and then she offered to speak on the phone, which we did this morning. She gave me a welcome push toward addressing the one issue in my PPD battle I have felt I can’t solve.

I struggle with my son, who’s quite spirited (as I’ve noted). I appreciate this spirit but it triggers me, pushing me over the edge into reactions I can’t control. A lot of his behaviour is normal – throwing food, flinging his toothbrush across the room, refusing to stay in bed, hitting when he gets worked up – but he does it with a special enthusiasm.

My reaction to this has been to try to control it. You don’t want to brush your teeth? Fine, I’ll hold you down and do it for you. You don’t want me to put these clothes on you? Then we’re not going to the play date.

Not surprisingly, it’s not working. And more, it’s prolonging this battle and making it harder to fight. My biggest fear is that the ultimate ending to this saga is going to be me saying, “I love you, but I can’t live with you.”

Yael’s suggestions were a lightning bolt, shocking my brain into functioning properly. She encouraged me to think about command vs. respect, independence instead of forcing my way, and to try to understand what causes his rebellion to find ways to avoid the things that trigger him.

This perspective was a gift – perfectly timed to pull me a little further away from the hole of hopelessness. The next step is up to me, but I will be forever grateful to Yael for pointing me in the right direction.

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Filed Under: Better world · Tagged With: hope, spreading the love

On Motherhood and Losing Yourself

April 27, 2011 by Farewell Stranger ·

Losing a piece of yourself seems to be part of becoming a mother, almost like a rite of passage. The problem is, following a rite of passage people often expect you to be wiser and acknowledge your readiness for your new role. You’re given access to knowledge or tools you didn’t have before.

When you become a mother, all you get is coupons for diapers, a free can of formula (whether you intend to formula feed or not), and unsolicited advice from people who are a generation or two out of touch. You might get a bunch of pamphlets pointing you to local resources and telling you things like how to bond with your baby and when you can expect certain milestones to happen.

What they don’t tell you is that feeling like you have NO IDEA what you’re doing is normal. Or that the sleep deprivation might feel like it’s going to kill you, but it probably won’t and will (eventually) end. Or that if you don’t feel overwhelmed with love for your baby, that’s okay too, and if it lasts for a while and you really feel like you can’t cope you might want to ask for some help.

As a matter of fact, none of the pamphlets I skimmed through or the books I read or the prenatal classes I attended told it like it really is. Which is:

You will lose a part of yourself when you become a mother.

You probably won’t be able to do all the things you’re used to doing, at least not at first, and your husband or partner shouldn’t expect to either.

You will likely be transformed by this experience in ways you could never imagine and no one could ever accurately describe to you.

Some of those changes will be great. Wonderful. Magical, even. Some might make you feel like you’ve figured out the meaning of life, even if it’s 3 a.m.

And some of those changes will be hard. Really hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re a cashier or a cook or a CEO, being a mother will be the hardest job you’ve ever had.

That was certainly the case for me. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea just how hard it would be. Some of the changes were absolutely not okay with me but it’s difficult, I discovered, to convince a newborn who won’t sleep to see reason.

I realize it’s not this hard for everyone. For me, postpartum depression (unrecognized and undiagnosed for 18 months) made it almost impossibly hard. I absolutely lost myself and have battled for almost three years to find myself again. It turns out the person I was is not coming back, and I’m finally learning to be okay with that. To embrace it, even.

When I started blogging and was trying to choose a name for my blog, I wanted to acknowledge that the crazy, raging, anxiety-ridden person I had become after having a baby was not who I wanted to be. That person was a stranger to me, and to my husband, who took the brunt of a lot of my exhaustion and anger. That stranger was a big part of me for a while, and will always be a part of who I’ve become. But it’s time to say farewell.

As she slowly ceases to be part of who I am, I watch her go. I send her acceptance and gratitude, both for what she’s taught me and for retreating when asked, but I don’t wish to see her again. I’m ready to accept what I’ve lost and embrace what I’ve gained instead.

Farewell, stranger. I wish you well.