Hello, Inspiration – You Will Survive

I’ve been looking back at some of my posts recently and thinking, “Did I really write all that personal stuff for the whole world to see?”

Yes, I did.

I’ll admit some of my older posts make me cringe. There’s something so vulnerable about them, and that’s not a feeling I’m especially comfortable with. But I was aware of that in the moment and each and every time I hit ‘publish’ knowing I was putting my rawness out there. And I haven’t taken down a single post.

My experience is what it is and those were my feelings at the time. Writing about it here is how I chose to express it, and as time went on I continued for a reason beyond using it as my own cheap therapy.

On an increasingly frequent basis I’ve had people contact me – usually by email or Twitter DM – to share their own experiences. Some of them ask for help, in which case I refer them to the PPD resources I know and trust. Some of them need someone to listen. And others just want to say thank you.

That was particularly the case after I posted about my experience with postpartum rage. In the short time since, I’ve had so many people contact me to say, “me too.”

Late last week I got an email from someone who was dealing with something similar who said, “…just had to stop by and say thank you for giving me one of those ‘oh thank god, I can survive this’ moments, and lending me some faith that maybe I can repair what’s been sent asunder.”

The thing I hate about emails like that is that I just want to hug each person (yep, I’m a hugger) and tell her it will be okay. Because it will.

But all I can do is offer virtual hugs and keep talking about my experience.

So that’s what I’m doing.

You will survive.

Don't worry about me.

Hello, Inspiration: From My Heart

Inspiration, at times, is something simple but powerful.

This week I wrote a post in two parts. I used to think I would never share that story. I just couldn’t see how I could admit to that stuff.

As time went on, though, I knew I needed to write about it.

After conversations last week, I knew I needed to do write about it now so other people struggling with the same things could read it and know it’s okay. That it will be okay.

I wrote the whole thing and had a good cry. I went to bed, got up and revised and edited. I got my husband to read it to make sure he was okay with it and I asked him the question I’d been scared to ask for months.

I sat in front of my computer. I looked at my husband, who knew I could do it. So I held my breath and hit ‘publish’.

I held my breath for a long time.

I had no idea what kind of a response I’d get. I was sure some would be supportive (especially since I’d called on my #PPDChat army for back-up) but I was waiting for the haters.

They didn’t come.

I got nothing but amazing support. I got emails. I got DMs on Twitter. I got messages on Facebook.

I was totally overwhelmed. I can’t even begin to express how grateful I am for the support.

I also got messages from women who aren’t ready – who may never be ready – to admit publicly that this is an issue for them too but who wanted to reach out to someone who understands.

Knowing that sharing the hard parts of my story helps other people is inspiring. It’s why I write.

Odds are I will never be able to reach every mom who struggles with this and thinks she’s alone. But it doesn’t matter.

I’m inspired to try.

meant-to-do

Hello, Inspiration – The Matter of Motherhood

Saturday. I am at home alone with my son for the day, for the first time in weeks. Months? A long time. For the first time since the day that precipitated this and this.

This is significant. How the day turns out matters – not just because I don’t want to have a bad day. It’s so much bigger than that.

***

We had friends over to play this morning – a girl Connor’s age who he’s known since he was weeks old. She is quiet and focused. He, generally, is not. Today he was buzzing, like a balloon you’ve blown up but not tied off so that when you let it go it flies everywhere, impossible to catch and making that pppbbbbttttpppphhhh noise as it releases all the energy inside.

A small part of me thought, really, Universe? Today? You couldn’t ease me back in?

It was not to be.

He only napped for 45 minutes, then got up and commenced whining and falling over on the floor.

I took him out of the house, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to manage at home all afternoon with him like that. It was a risk. I’ve done it before on rough days and had it blow up, quite spectacularly, in my face.

He wasn’t a whole lot better out in public but bribes for toddlers work wonders, though not magic. We still had meltdowns, throwing things, attempts to break things and running away in a store where I had to leave my wallet at the counter to chase him down.

But you know what? We made it. I talked. I redirected. I negotiated. I used positive reinforcement and when that didn’t work I took his new truck away. He got the message and we got home without anyone getting an arm ripped off.

I did it. And what I did today will help me do so much more.

***

Show me something I’ve never seen before; a treasured photograph of your grandparents or a handkerchief your father wore in his lapel.

Take me somewhere I’ve never been; a place where the land meets the sea, the breeze is cool and your mind calms.

Sing me the same soothing lullaby night after night; the one that helps ease my fears and dream vividly.

Let me make mistakes and learn as I go, no matter how difficult it may be for you to witness.

Guide me through life as though you were my tour guide, exposing me to places near and far but always emphasizing the importance of home.

Show me something I’ve never seen before, mom.

***

As a mother, my job is to take care of my son. To feed him. To comfort him. To love him.

But my job is also to teach him about the world and to introduce him to new things and new experiences. To help him develop the skills to interact appropriately with others. To teach him patience and respect and kindness.

My job is to help him make sense of the world so he can grow up to be the sort of person who helps the world make sense.

In the past I’ve had trouble doing that. At times it’s taken every ounce of energy I have. Some days I’ve felt like I’m faking it.

I’m going to have bad days. We all are. But for me there’s a difference between a normal bad day and a day where I drown in motherhood and forget that every parent has a bad day now and then and it’s not just me and it’s not because I can’t do it.

Yesterday was not a bad day. It was frustrating at times and tiring, apparently, because I lay down for a few minutes at 5:00 and slept, not hearing anything including my husband telling me dinner was ready, until 7.

Yesterday was a good day. And as I sat in the evening quiet, I read a really beautiful post by Tonya from Letters for Lucas. The italicized section above is excerpts from that post and Tonya kindly agreed to let me use them. I encourage you to go and read the whole thing. I guarantee it will inspire you. It inspired me, because it sums up exactly why finding my ability to be a mother matters.

Hello Inspiration – A Little Bird Told Me

First, thank you to everyone for the shower of love and support on yesterday’s post. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that I can write that honestly and not scare people away.

Later on Friday, after that much-needed reassurance from my boys, I spent some time browsing Pinterest. I can always count on some time spent there to help my perspective and my “Things That Inspire” board is getting full. There are a lot of things that offer similar sentiments, but when I got to this one I actually paused, momentarily breathless.

It was perfect, and perfectly timed. I totally believe these kinds of things come to us when we need them, and for now I’m just trusting with all my heart that this is true.

little-bird-told-me

Hello Inspiration – Name The Fear

A very good friend of mine – one of my besties, for whom I cannot express enough love and gratitude – has started a blog. He’s just a few posts in, but it’s inspiring. I’m inspired. And I wanted to share it with you.

His blog is called I Am Not Afraid. Here’s an excerpt from his about page:

“I’m tired of being less than I was created to be.  I’m no longer prepared to trade dreams for mediocrity.  And I’m motivated more than ever to live from a place of abundance rather than scarcity and from a posture of trust rather than fear.

I AM NOT AFRAID is both a declaration of strength but also an admission of knowing what it is to be afraid and perhaps true freedom can only be understood having known limitations.”

He has a vision for this blog but in true authentic-leader style, he’s starting by sharing his own thoughts and, yes, fears.

fear

Read his first post – it’s powerful, and it will give you a sense of where he’s coming from.

What do you think? And what’s holding you back from being less than what you’re meant to be?