This week my sources of inspiration came mostly in snippets of song on the same theme – the one that keeps coming up over and over. This is the start of trying to explain what all this means.
***
I’m driving, going I don’t know where, in one of those sick-of-this, taking-lots-of-deep-breaths mindsets.
Another song comes on the radio. I don’t listen to the first verse, but I for damn sure hear the chorus.
This ain’t a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain’t gonna be just a face in the crowd
You’re gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud[Chorus:]
It’s my life
It’s now or never…
It’s my life. Whether I feel I’m in control of it or not, it is. Now or never? I choose now.
(Thank you, Bon Jovi.)
***
Saturday morning. It’s raining. My boys are gone for the day. Rain drops tap on the skylight. “Sleep,” they tell me. “It’s a perfect day to sleep.”
I waffle. Close my eyes a bit more. Look at my puppy on the bed and think how nice it would be to just stay there, in the quiet, and sleep.
But I need to get up. I’ll feel worse if I don’t, and I need this run. And my friend needs it too. I committed to this – for her and for myself – so I leave the sound of raindrops behind and get up.
A bowl of cereal, half a cup of tea, and I’m out the door. The car radio’s on and there’s another song with a chorus that speaks to me.
‘Cause this life is too short to live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless what are you gonna do
So say what you want, say what you want
Nelly, you’re so right. (And you’re from my hometown.) This week I have felt powerless, more than ever before. I have to get this sorted out for me first, I know. But from very early on in this process of writing about my experience I’ve known this is more than just about documenting my experience.
I could get better and carry on with my life. But I don’t want to live it just for me. There’s an opportunity to do more and help others. So I’ll say it: that’s what I want. I want to do more than just write words on these pages. I want to help others.
***
Why do I want that, when I’ve got a perfectly good life that I could keep on living? Because I think it matters. And it’s about more than recovering from postpartum depression. It’s about being the best parent or the best person you can be. It’s about living the life you’re meant to live. So many people are paralyzed with fear. I have been and I’ve used all the same excuses: I can’t leave this job that pays well / I can’t lose my benefits / I can’t move away because my family is here / I can’t do that because I might not be good enough / I have no experience and no one will take me… I just…can’t.
I’ll tell you something – I feel all of that again now, and it’s only peripherally related to PPD.
I see all of these message on this same theme as signs and I’m trying to listen to them.
It’s your life – now or never.
Don’t be just a face in the crowd.
Say what you want.
Because life’s too short.
***
The final snippet came my way following a conversation with friends about depression, about what we want our lives to be, about how happiness is not a number on a scale or a certain lifestyle.
It was a conversation that was honest and inspiring and heartbreaking all at once. On the way home I heard a song by Amanda Marshall. The first time I watched the video, years ago, I cried. Driving home the other night I cried again because there is power in this song’s message.
I believe in power and in possibility. I believe in inspiration. I believe in myself. And I believe in you.
