Four Weeks

Two weeks and three days ago, I started a week of vacation. Just a random little break after a busy few months.

Two weeks and two days ago – a Saturday – I had a breakdown. A day that was finally – truly finally, in the etymologic sense, i.e. in a final manner; conclusively or decisively – enough. Enough. I was staring at what might have been the end and I’d had enough.

One week and six days ago, I asked my boss for a leave of absence. It has taken me this long – nearly two weeks – to admit this here. Emotionally it feels like admitting defeat, even though intellectually I know it doesn’t and I haven’t. My fingers have hovered over these keys, waiting for the words to admit to this as one of the latest pieces of my story. The other admission will follow when it’s ready, but for now I need to get this out.

I am taking time off work because my PPD is not under control and I’ve had enough and I need to fix this. There. I said it.

I asked my boss for some time off and he said yes, which I knew he would because that’s the sort of person he is. He’s always been supportive, and especially so since a little over a year ago when, after hiding it for a long time, I tearfully told him I was cracking up. When I finally admitted to my struggle with postpartum depression, he understood and has let me do what I need to do.

Despite that support, asking for time off was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to ask for from a boss. Thank God for instant messaging, because I cried through the whole conversation.

A couple of days later I went to see him to do a hand-off of some of my work. He kindly agreed to let our team know I was going to be away. He even gave me the words when trying to figure out what to tell people made it feel like I couldn’t breathe. I chose the cowardly approach and he told them I was spending time with my family.

I suspect everyone knows it’s a crock. I’ve had several “I hope you are well” messages and I honestly don’t know how to respond. I am less well than I have ever been in my whole life.

In writing about my experience with PPD I have embraced honesty. I have told friends and family. I have been a guest on a radio show to talk about it. But I cannot bring myself to tell my colleagues – 10 or so of whom report to me – why I am not at work. Yet.

I know it shouldn’t matter, but it does. It weighs on me. I want it to be okay to admit that I’m struggling with depression – the postpartum sort or the capital D sort or whatever. I want it to be okay for those on my team to know that sometimes things other than work matter and we need to set work aside.

I also dread returning to work and facing the “how are you” questions from people who are very well meaning and genuinely caring but who don’t know if I’m dealing with cancer or a mental health issue or carpal tunnel syndrome.

Credit: szczel on Flickr

For now, however, I have let it be. I will deal with the why at the right time, whenever that is. When I saw my doctor and told her what had happened and how I was feeling, she asked how much time I thought I needed. A month, I said. Four weeks.

She paused and looked at me. Then she ticked the 1-2 months box on the doctor’s certificate and told me to come back in two weeks.

“We’ll see,” she said.

We’ll see.

 

I’m linking this post up with Pour Your Heart Out at Things I Can’t Say because, for some reason, it makes me feel better about saying it.

Update: Yes, it was longer than four weeks.

A Glimmer of Hot Pink and Hope

She was dressed all in black, by coincidence more than intent, but it seemed to make a statement.

The black tank – the one she’d slept in – stood out against her pale shoulders. The dark-as-ink yoga pants, plucked off the drying rack, were at least clean.

A quick look in the mirror confirmed her suspicion: it was obvious she hadn’t showered, but a black ball cap quickly fixed that. Where she was going, the rest – the lack of make-up, the unruly eyebrows – didn’t matter.

As she walked, the trail was peaceful and the sunshine bright. The sun had brought her out while the head-to-toe black allowed her to feel hidden.

Her canine companion paused. Looking back over her shoulder as she waited for him to catch up, she caught a glimpse of hot pink. Just a glimmer, but it was significant. A sign that underneath the darkness there is light, and life, and colour.

 

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Notes:

  1. I’m not sure what the point of this post is, but this silly fact filtered through to my anxiety-ridden brain today. It seemed only fair to pay it proper attention by posting about it.
  2. With thanks to Jessica from It’s My Life for the “glimmer” concept. I read it in her post from Friday, Choosing Happiness, and it stuck with me.

Oops, I Did It Again

Three days ago, I realized I was about to run out of meds. This happened in May of last year and it was a very, very, very bad thing. So, shaking the bottle of pills, I counted. Enough for three days. But Connor was sick so I didn’t do anything about it.

Two days ago, I was vaguely aware that I was going to have to sort this out, but I was sick so I didn’t do anything about it.

Yesterday, I got up, finally feeling a little bit better, and called the pharmacist. They had a handy little refill-your-prescription-by-phone option, so I pressed all the right numbers, confirmed I had no refills already prescribed, and chose to have them contact my doctor for a renewal. Beep, beep, boop and back to bed.

Not 10 minutes later the phone rang.

For some reason I don’t understand – and wasn’t lucid enough to question – they have my doctor, and therefore my prescription, associated with a hospital in another city. Translation: they can’t sort out the refill, so I need to see a doctor, whether one of my own or at a clinic.

So much for the easy button.

I called my psychiatrist’s office. She’s away until next week. I called my GP’s office. They closed early and were referring people to walk-in clinics.

Hmm.

I wasn’t feeling well enough to figure out a solution so I left it until today.

First stop, the pharmacy. I explained my predicament and asked if they could give me enough to last until I see my shrink on Thursday. He seemed quite prepared to do that until he looked at my file and realized I had only been on this particular med for about a month. Which, from what I can infer, would have led to all kinds of bad pharmacist karma despite the fact that abruptly ceasing anti-depressant medication can create the previously-experienced and above-noted very, very, very bad thing.

Fine, walk-in clinic it is.

I tried four before I found one that was open at 2:00 on a Saturday. I got in quickly and explained to the quite young, very kind and not entirely unattractive doctor – who generously pretended not to notice that I hadn’t had a shower – what I was looking for. To his credit, he didn’t just write me a script – he asked some questions about what else I was on and how it was working. When I told him he got a pensive sort of look but agreed to give me enough to get me through the week and said he’d leave it up to the shrink to determine if this is the right approach. I wanted to hug him for making me feel like I’m not crazy.

So the crisis has been averted and I’ve got meds again. But I’ve really got to stop doing this.

In Sickness and In Health

Some moms who have PPD can’t bring themselves to leave the house. I went out almost every single day. I had to. I really think I’d actually have gone crazy otherwise.

There was one baby group I went to quite regularly even though it was at a slightly awkward time and it was downtown, which meant it was harder to find parking. For a PPD mom with a baby who screeched a lot, having to drive around to find a place to park and then walk a couple of blocks with an uncooperative infant was an anxiety-inducing situation I generally tried to avoid. But this one was worth it.

Every Wednesday afternoon new moms and their babies would walk through the entrance to the store and gather in the large room that was home to classes – prenatal and fitness – and what can only be described as a new moms’ support group. We’d park strollers, gather pillows and sit down. Some moms would gently set the car seat containing their sleeping baby down next to them. I stood. And bounced.

The beautiful thing about this group was there was no agenda. The owner of the store – a woman from whom wisdom and patience poured like rain on a parched desert – led the group. She went around the circle and asked a simple question: “How was your week?”

On one particular day the tone for the discussion was set early in the circle. A new mom, desperation practically dripping from her pores, complained about the lack of support from her husband. Her list of woes was long and contained many of the usual steps of the husband-and-wife dance. Help around the house. Meal prep. Errands. But what it came down to was this: she was exhausted. Her husband refused to get up in the night, even when the baby didn’t need to be nursed, and the lack of sleep was scraping the bottom of her soul.

I was on the far side of the circle that day. As we went around the room, I sat in silence at the many sympathetic exclamations of “me too” and “mine doesn’t either”. I had nothing to contribute to this conversation. Nothing but empathy. I listened to tale after tale from women going it alone at a time they most needed help – help they weren’t getting from the person who was supposed to be a partner in parenthood.

I simply couldn’t relate.

My husband is amazing. I knew this before Connor was born, but his amazingness overwhelms me now, even nearly three years later. Especially nearly three years later.

He has always been there for the hard stuff. The middle-of-the-night stuff. The stuff that would drain most new mothers and threatened to drown me.

And he is there still. I work and he does the stay-at-home-dad thing and yet, when needed, he still steps in when it’s my turn at bedtime or on weekends.

Right now I’m not working. This past week I’ve been sick, in more ways than one, and at times he has practically done it all. He gets up mornings and takes care of nights. He’s sorting out meals and walking the dog. He’s taking care of toddler duty – feeding and playing and changing and disciplining. And he’s doing all this while managing to simultaneously leave me in peace and checking to make sure I’m okay.

We didn’t actually use traditional wedding vows, but the sickness-and-health sentiment was certainly there. Not only has he not retreated from this promise, he’s taken it to a level I never could have anticipated. He is my partner – in life and in parenting and in so much more.

One of the things we did say is “I do”. And I’m so glad I did.

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Sorry, dear Fledglings. I missed this week’s edition of Fledgling Friday. I’ve been sick and, frankly, had no idea what day it was until it was too late. Please come back next week!

Waiting for the Words

People tell me I’m brave for sharing my experience.

I’m not feeling very brave this week.

People have said they’re in awe of my honesty.

Sometimes I’m scared to be honest.

My story has taken a turn and for a week now I’ve been trying to find a way to share it. This turn has two parts and both need to be told. I need to tell them. I started to write one – the really hard one – and the other came out. The first is apparently not ready. I’ve tried to coax it, to assure it the telling will be okay, but it’s not ready.

I’m not ready.

The second is now in draft – a jumble on the page. Its format doesn’t do it justice. There is weight to this decision I’ve made – both the heavy weight of admission and the powerful weight of potential.

This part of my story needn’t be poetic but I need to tell it the right way.

I’ll wait, and it will come.