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It Matters

October 5, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

I am at home with a three-day old baby. He is small and beautiful and so very wanted.

I am in awe, but I look at him and wonder what this next year will bring to our family, because now I know.

I know it won’t always be easy.

I know sometimes it will be really, really hard.

Just below the surface there is a small amount of anxiety. A nagging what if?

I will admit to being scared. To, perhaps, a small amount of paranoia. To the worry that as much as I know now, as much as I’m so much better prepared and informed, I may not be able to avoid it.

But I will admit to hope.

Postpartum depression hit me by surprise last time. I didn’t expect it. Didn’t recognize it. Didn’t get help soon enough. And I never, ever want to experience something like that again.

Nor do I wish that upon any other mother – whether she’s a first-time, second-time, or sixth-time mom. Whether she gave birth or adopted. Whether she’s okay but her partner isn’t.

So today, on my son’s third day of life, I’m supporting Strong Start Day.

I found Postpartum Progress when I really needed it, and the information on that site (and Katherine’s response to my grateful email) was one of the things that led me down the right path towards recovery. That community has been important to me in the time since, as I worked through a really rough time last year and throughout this last pregnancy. I know I will be back there reading (and writing) in the days and weeks and months to come as I navigate my way through new motherhood a second time.

But not every woman can do that. Some don’t have Internet access. Some won’t know it’s there. Some just won’t think it’s relevant to them, as I wouldn’t have in the early days of my struggle. So the goal this year is for Postpartum Progress Inc. — the non-profit that supports the site and postpartum depression awareness (and all other mental illnesses related to pregnancy and childbirth) — to take all that great online information and turn it into material women can get from their clinicians and health care providers when they need it.

And they will need it. Someone you know will need it. Does need it.

Please help if you can. Donate if you can. If you can’t then please share the message. We do this one day a year – today only – and it matters.

It really, really matters.

Filed Under: Better world, Postpartum depression · Tagged With: community, gratitude, spreading the love, we're not alone

Change 10 Lives with Water

September 6, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

When we moved into this house one of the first things we did was fill up a jug of filtered water because the water here is very chlorinated and I couldn’t drink it. This is where you picture me making an icky pouty face and roll your eyes.

Yes, we have clean water – as much as we can drink. And shower with. And clean and cook with. The only time we really complain about our water is if we run out of hot stuff before the shower is done (very rare) or if someone forgets to fill up the pitcher and we have to drink it warm. Or, God forbid, put ice in it.

This, I believe, is where we note these things as #firstworldproblems.

But they aren’t developing world problems. Those look more like this:

Every 20 seconds, a child dies from a water-related illness.
Women spend 200 million hours a day collecting water.
More people have a mobile device than a toilet.

Photo via Water.org

A five-minute shower uses more water than the average person in a developing country slum uses for an entire day. There’s a reason there’s no sarcastic hash tag for this.

So, what now?

I’ve signed up to help raise money for Water.org. $25 is enough to provide clean drinking water for someone in the developing world for life. FOR LIFE.

Here’s the challenge:

When you turn on the tap or flush the toilet do you think about what your life would be like without water? We all need it to survive and yet nearly 1 billion people in the world don’t have access to safe water and 2.5 billion people don’t have access to a toilet. It’s 2012, and yet more people have a cell phone than a toilet. These facts take a moment to settle in and can make people feel powerless against a problem so big. Yet, there is something we can all do to help. Alongside the non-profit Water.org I am joining others who are working to end this crisis in our lifetime. Only $25 brings one person water for life and for the next 10 days I will be trying to raise enough money to help change the lives of 10 people. I’d love for you to join me. Donate to my fundraiser at http://give.water.org/f/10daychallenge/, start your own fundraiser or just learn more about the water crisis. Together we can make a difference.

Filed Under: Better world · Tagged With: community, gratitude

Write On

August 21, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

I got another email the other day, this one from a friend-of-a-friend sort of person. She had found my blog thanks to Reader’s Digest naming me one of Canada’s top mom bloggers (and yes, that was unexpected, but what I was especially happy about was that it was my writing about postpartum depression that they highlighted). The email was of the thank-God-I’m-not-alone types from someone who previously dealt with postpartum anxiety and is now struggling with antenatal depression and just really isn’t sure where to turn.

When I got the email I was just closing my computer to take Connor out for some fun with my sister and my dad and he was getting impatient. But I saw the name and the subject line and I paused, hoping I could put the excited child off a moment longer.

I keep every email like this that I receive – the ones that say thank you for sharing and for being so honest. The ones that say can you help me? And the ones that say I just didn’t know and I thought it was just me.

Because I know. I know what that feels like and I know how sometimes it’s impossible not to reach out and say thank you (like I did with Katherine after I found Postpartum Progress). And when I get those emails it affirms that it’s okay to write about these things, which is a reminder I sometimes need, especially lately when I’ve been feeling like I lost my words.

I’ve been feeling a little bit vulnerable. Before the Reader’s Digest thing, but especially so since. I’m so, so honored, especially given some of the other bloggers on the list. But that’s the sort of thing that tends to get spread around. I posted it on my own Facebook page (and I rarely share blog content or related things there) and it got shared by my family and some friends. Which is how the friend-of-a-friend thing tends to happen.

In this case it actually went beyond that. I work with my brother who, evidently, is friends on Facebook with a bunch of other people we work with. Who now know about my blog. Some of them said, “That’s cool! I’ll have to check out your blog,” (and I thought oh god…). Some of them did read it and said only nice things like, “It’s great that you’re so open” and “You’re a great writer.” Which are lovely comments, but there’s always a part of me that wonders if they’re really thinking, wow, you are messed UP.

But you know what? That’s okay. Some days I’m totally messed up, but so are most people in one way or another. And I’d rather be messed up and working on it and, better yet, helping others in the same boat than holding it in for fear of what others think. I did that for too long and it backfired, making me more messed up in the short term and causing this to be more of a long-term problem than it would otherwise have been.

So I’ll write and whoever wants to can read. And if one of those readers finds something helpful here and sends me an email, so much the better.

Write on.

Linked up with Just.Be.Enough

and Things I Can’t Say

I’ve also got a post on Just.Be.Enough today about some awesome lyrics by a great Canadian band. Come visit!

Filed Under: Better world, Postpartum depression, Writing · Tagged With: antenatal depression, blogging, community, spreading the love, telling the truth, we're not alone

Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

June 12, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

There’s a bit of a movement happening in the blogosphere. Jess from Makeunder My Life wrote a post called Things I’m Afraid To Tell You. Ez of Creature Comforts took the idea and ran with it (including designing the image you see below), and the Huffington Post thought it was such a good idea they published a piece about it.

Now Lisa from joycreation is keeping it alive.

I love this idea, because I think one of the most valuable things bloggers offer is a peek inside someone else’s head. We tell you things we might otherwise never voice, and in doing so make others feel less alone. That’s what some bloggers have done for me and what I hope to do for others.

I know, you’re probably wondering what on Earth I’m afraid to tell you, especially after recent posts about how I’m sad about not having a girl and my recurring slide into depression. But there are things. Probably lots of things. Many more things than you’ll find in this post, not because I don’t want to share them but because I honestly thing some of them are buried so deep even I don’t know they’re there. But I do have some things on my mind lately that I’m afraid to say out loud because they’re hard and they’re not the things I like most about myself. So I’ve joined up with Lisa and some other bloggers who want to share their things as well for this edition of Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.

Here’s my list.

***

I’m not sure if moving was the right decision. I’m not sure it was the wrong decision, but so far we haven’t accomplished what we set out to accomplish, which is avoiding me working all the time and wanting to throw myself in front of a truck.

***

I’m getting more introverted as I get older, and I’m starting to like people less and less. I’m accepting them more, but liking them less. We’ve lived here for 6 months and I really don’t care at this point whether I make new friends. I have no desire to go out and chat and get to know people. I just want to come home and see my family and walk my dog and write.

***

The above-referenced post about depression was really hard to publish. I have posted a ton of really personal stuff on this blog in the last year and a half, but it’s getting harder to admit when I’m not doing okay. I thought I had moved past that and figured out what it all meant. I haven’t.

***

I fear I won’t be any better of a mother the second time around. I read a beautiful post by Angie from The Little Mumma about her four-week-old daughter. It included a piece that caused a bit of a revelation for me:

“People ask me if she is a good baby. I say she is a dream. She doesn’t sleep through the night, she prefers to be held, she upchucks regularly. But still, I’m not lying. To me, she is a dream. A newborn dream. Feeding regularly (feels like constantly!), wanting closeness to Mumma, crying when she needs something. To me, these are normal, newborn things and I try not to buy into the idea of what she should be doing.”

Well there you go. If that isn’t the secret to new motherhood, I don’t know what is. The thing is, my revelation lasted about four seconds and deep down I question whether I have any ability whatsoever to remember that this is what life is about for a newborn and not wish it were different.

Despite all I’ve gone through in the last four years, despite all my learning – both the usual way and the incredibly hard way – I’m not sure I’ve learned this lesson. And I question whether I will stay sane this time, and I wonder if perhaps I’m already doing wrong by this beautiful baby we’ve chosen to bring into the world.

And those are the things I’m afraid to tell you.

If you’re a blogger and wish to join in, please do. We’d love to have you. The link-up below is open until Tuesday, June 19.

Please click around and visit those who have chosen to share. I know they’d appreciate the support.

Filed Under: Hard things, Motherhood · Tagged With: admissions, antenatal depression, community, expectations, going public, lists, we're not alone

On Mother’s Day

May 13, 2012 by Farewell Stranger ·

I had a small person in bed with me early this morning. (Note to self: never post on Facebook about how well your child is sleeping.) I enjoyed the cuddles though, and figured that was a nice way to start Mother’s Day.

When he woke up for good, he jumped out of bed and ran downstairs. I could hear the pantry door opening and closing, and knew he was going to get the surprise he had made for me at preschool. (Except it wasn’t a surprise because he had told me what it was.) He came back up and promptly started to open my gift. It was a small box he had decorated, with a picture of him and a poem on the lid, and it was filled with Hershey’s kisses. It was very sweet, and I will keep that box as one of my treasures, but it was the sheer joy and pride with which he presented this gift that I will always remember. That feeling is what being a mother is all about.

***

In celebration of Mother’s Day, I’d like to point you to two beautiful things.

There’s a Mother’s Day Rally today on Postpartum Progress. Every hour on the hour you’ll find a letter from an amazing writer to new moms. The stories come from those who have suffered – and survived – a postpartum illness, and I have no doubt you’ll be inspired (whether you’re a PPD survivor or not). My letter will be posted at 7 p.m. ET, and I’m honoured to be part of this group on this special day.

Another wonderful place, not just today but every day, is Mamas’ Comfort Camp. This is a Facebook group started by my beautiful friend Yael from Postpartum Depression to Joy. I’ll let her describe what it’s about:

This group is a refueling station, where mamas from all over the world come together to vent, stomp, laugh, cheer, high-five, and, more than anything, share deeply, and support each other in a completely safe space.

It’s open to anyone, and it’s not just about PPD. It truly is a space where you can do all that. Read Yael’s post about the group for more and to find out how to join. I’d love to see you there.

And finally, I leave you with this, which I know to be true. Happy Mother’s Day.